That Guy: Complain-y
A lot of things upset me. Most things stay in the general irritation level, and I can mentally grumble and imagine the perpetrator or violator’s untimely, painful and very messy death at my gleeful hands in order to assuage my inner angry. Other times, I like to bitch and complain. Now is one of those times. I’m here to complain about That Guy again. I know, it’s been a while.
Lawn Toy Redneck Guy. I’m in the age bracket where I find myself paired alongside – sometimes flanked – by other people with kids. Not your surly, unresponsive, sallow teens in this complaint, though I’ve had that experience as well. No, I’m talking about the Very Young Child, or VYC if you dig military-style acronyms. These are in the preschool to kindergarden range. I do like kids, admit I’m done with them, and realize I’ll be a far better grandparent than a parent. Some of you are there with me. Amen. Anyway, what sandpapers my nuts is the plastic lawn toys, bikes, scooters, plastic swords, balls, and water guns that litter everyone’s yard. Why? Because mom and dad think it’s perfectly okay to use my lawn as a mini-redneck-car collection storage area and open-air Toys-n-shit-r-Us. Not that I know anyone like that right now, I’m just saying.
Addict on the Fence Guy. Up front, I’m a nicotine addict. I also have a job so that I can feed that addiction. If I run out, I have nobody but my own self to blame. The Fence Guy you might know. He will show up new to your office, all happy handshakes. He’ll announce proudly, “I’m quitting (smoking/ dipping/heroin/coke)!” all proud of himself. Then Fence Guy goes to work. He’ll sneak into your cubicle and say, “I’m having a bad time today, can I bum a (smoke/dip/hit/line)?” This transitional period of twelvestepping continues for three or more years, while Fence Guy’s habit remains fed on the collective dimes of the office he is sucking from like a tick. Not that I know anyone like that, I’m just saying.
Have a favorite That Guy? Most hated? Hit the comment button and share!
BrainRants 
July 9, 2013 at 20:23
Good to see you, my friend. I’ll go with Hipster Trying Too Hard Guy: this is the guy with the man purse, edgy haircut, skinny jeans, and artfully ripped clothing. These guys make me want to kick their asses just so they can man up a little bit.
July 10, 2013 at 05:25
Hmm, good one. Reminds me of a post I just did…
July 9, 2013 at 20:37
The Human Cholesterol Guy. Clogging the arteries of my life. Always stopping at work to have a conversation in the busiest area, walking at a glacial pace shoulder to shoulder with his wife and kid thus taking up the entire sidewalk, coming to a complete stop on the interstate on-ramp, doing his shopping from the dead center of the grocery aisle. Road rage at work or in the grocery store? Yep, it happens and it aint pretty.
July 10, 2013 at 05:26
I have a lot of those types here in the Commissary.
July 9, 2013 at 20:47
Can we have a word about German Luxury Car Guy Who Thinks He Owns The Road? Did his hunk of overengineered metal come with a certificate allowing him permission to ignore all traffic laws and his fellow drivers’ general safety?
July 10, 2013 at 05:26
Not yet, but we can memorialize that dillweed.
July 9, 2013 at 20:48
Online Hater Guy-lives to leave hater comments on peoples blog/youtube/vine while never having one of his/her own. Comments are never funny or helpful.
July 10, 2013 at 05:27
I have just the asshat in mind, too.
July 10, 2013 at 08:58
Someone been up your ass personally?
July 10, 2013 at 09:38
Not sure how to answer that… but yeah I’ve had trolls here.
July 10, 2013 at 09:41
I want one. I have yet to get one. I think it would be fun to put them in their place. I see a lot of viners are currently getting haters. It must go in cycles on the social media sites.
July 10, 2013 at 09:54
They’re not fun when they’re arrogant and can’t be reasoned with even when they’re flat wrong.
July 10, 2013 at 09:55
Truth
July 10, 2013 at 10:00
Yeah enjoy your luck thus far.
July 9, 2013 at 21:00
“what sandpapers my nuts “, I am so loving that little nugget… hehehe.
So many ‘that guys’ but the one that currently stands out is the ‘ Entitled’ guy. “I have a Harley, which makes me a man, which means I can cruise up and down your streets, setting off car alarms, scaring children and old people and ruining movies for people without PVRs with my noise, my very big fucking noise, not to mention big vibration.” Which, really, makes that bike the most expensive vibrator on earth.
Just sayn’.
July 10, 2013 at 05:28
Not bad, Crone. I used to think they had no mufflers until I found out that was as quiet as they get.
July 9, 2013 at 21:01
Right now I hate Stop In The Middle Of The Road And Put My Car In Reverse Guy. That dude really totals my car…
July 10, 2013 at 05:28
How is our buddy Eric and his uninsured beatermobile?
July 10, 2013 at 06:08
Lol, last I saw him he was about to be taken away by the police for driving without insurance. Shame…
July 10, 2013 at 07:30
Excellent. Serves the dickwad right.
July 10, 2013 at 07:30
Indeed it does.
July 10, 2013 at 07:31
Win!
July 10, 2013 at 07:32
Yes! There was a small silver lining.
July 10, 2013 at 07:34
Gotta dig for it sometimes.
July 10, 2013 at 07:35
I know. One more loser off the road.
July 10, 2013 at 07:36
And straighht into hell.
July 10, 2013 at 07:37
Mwuahahahahahahahahahahaha!
July 10, 2013 at 07:51
🙂
July 9, 2013 at 21:11
That Guy: while running on the boardwalk at the beach with a friend and my daughter in the stroller, THAT GUY ogled my 4 year old. And not in a “oh she’s so cute” kind of way. More like in a “if I wasn’t on probation and your mom looked away for a second ” kind of way.
EW
July 9, 2013 at 21:45
Holy cow. I would have had a hard time not shoving That Guy into the water and drowning him. Ewwwww indeed.
July 10, 2013 at 05:32
No, too slow. Just gut him, like a deer.
July 10, 2013 at 13:01
And not a jury in the world would convict.
July 10, 2013 at 14:05
True, Guapo.
July 10, 2013 at 05:29
He’s not That Guy. He’s “Self-nominated for immediate execution guy.”
July 10, 2013 at 15:59
That’s a much better title.
July 10, 2013 at 16:21
Yay!
July 9, 2013 at 21:35
I’m the best fucking teacher in the world guy: This guy can’t stop talking about how great he is, consistently destroys students’ self esteem by telling them they can’t write their way out of a paper bag and reminds me daily why I’m so far beneath him. Little does he know his students have created a “I Hate Mr.” page on facebook about him. Redemption!
July 10, 2013 at 05:31
Wow. Not that you know this guy, you’re just saying, right?
July 10, 2013 at 08:05
Exactly. Actually I have met a few of these.
July 10, 2013 at 09:40
Yep!
July 10, 2013 at 08:07
Exactly. Or should I say….I know many of these guys.
July 10, 2013 at 09:40
Exactly.
July 9, 2013 at 21:47
It was one of those days where EVERYONE was That Guy. In particular, That Guy who stood behind me on line at the ATM. He was so far up my ass that he should have bought me a drink first, or at least asked for my name. Personal space, motherfucker.
July 10, 2013 at 05:32
He thought you smelled pretty.
July 9, 2013 at 22:08
Guy in the car behind me, following so closely, that my tailpipe thinks it’s being assfucked. Back off. My car isn’t gonna sprout wings and that line of cars in FRONT of me isn’t going anywhere either.
Ha! As far as the toys go, take the finders keepers mentality and those people might think twice…
July 10, 2013 at 05:33
I could make a killing on ebay with secondhand lawn toys.
July 10, 2013 at 07:09
Feed the college fund…
July 10, 2013 at 07:30
And my beer gut.
July 10, 2013 at 19:17
Coors light?
July 10, 2013 at 21:52
Hellz yeah. Why?
July 9, 2013 at 22:49
That guy that takes 24 hours to respond to a text message even though he started the conversation and you were just replying. (if you can’t figure it out I am in the middle of dating and it is doing my head in!) Ha
July 10, 2013 at 05:34
Dating or not, that’s kind of rude. How busy do you have to be to not tweet? (hypocritical statement of the year, right there, folks)
July 10, 2013 at 01:20
I love to hate all those That Guys. I’m with Jaded. Toys left on my lawn become My Property, and my garbage. Center of aisle shoppers often return to an empty space and a cart in the dairy section. I’ve got grumpy I haven’t even taken out of the box yet.
July 10, 2013 at 05:35
You’re learning well, Archon. The Grumpy is strong in you.
July 10, 2013 at 03:12
FailPartyPlanner Guy. When I’m told to reserve a certain day a couple of weeks ahead for a party but never get any further information from the person putting it together which makes me feel like they really didn’t want to invite me but did out of courtesy or some shit. Don’t mention it if you don’t really want me there! If you do, send me the info early enough so I can grab a hotel room since it’s happening in another city and will likely go late.
July 10, 2013 at 05:36
Or, don’t go. Parties shouldn’t be work unless you’re throwing them, and then not much either.
July 10, 2013 at 08:16
oh, we aren’t going.
July 10, 2013 at 09:36
Good pick.
July 10, 2013 at 07:12
You must live right down the street from me…that lawn makes me shutter. I can only imagine what the inside of the house looks like. Yikes!
July 10, 2013 at 07:31
Hoarderville.
July 10, 2013 at 07:43
cringe
July 10, 2013 at 07:52
Here too.
July 10, 2013 at 12:33
Leave that stuff out on the lawn around here and it’ll be gone. You can sell anything in flea markets.
Let’s see, how about the dingbat next door that hauls out her sprinkler in the middle of 100 degree sunny day when total watering ban is in effect due to drought (and there are big fines for not obeying) turns on the water for hours and says “Well, I’ve been out of town. And the lawn is dry”
She’s also the one who gets defensive when neighbors ask her to keep her dog off everyone’s front porch because his urine stinks….”it’s just too hot to walk him and he hates the leash and I don’t want him poo-ing in our backyard.”)
Oh the joy.
July 10, 2013 at 12:38
Kill the dog ‘accidentally,’ and she’s doing fine at killing her own lawn.
July 10, 2013 at 13:05
Friends of on-the-fence guy – Lightless Jakasses.
Because there’s nothing I enjoy more than stepping out for a quick smoke break with a good book, then being asked 17 times for a light.
Why don’t I set your hair on fire. That’ll last at least half a block.
Well, maybe less if you change direction erratically while running…
July 10, 2013 at 14:07
All of them part of the larger Mooch Clan.
July 10, 2013 at 20:54
I have written about Beached Whale Guy, the neighbor who takes his shirt off in April and doesn’t put it back on again until October. He is flubbery and pasty and, as the preteen girls in the neighborhood say, “Ewwwwwww!” Now, his kids are following in his footsteps. Last year, the youngest took it further, stood on the ladder into their pool (did I say they don’t have a privacy fence?), dropped his Speedo and started screaming, “I’m nakey! I’m nakey!”
Please write about men who don’t wear shirts but who really should wear shirts.
July 10, 2013 at 21:53
I’m actually an expert on this, and I might be your neighbor, based on the ‘flubbery’ description. I do wear shirts at work. Army says so.
July 10, 2013 at 22:02
Do you take your shoes off at the door when you come home? This guy does that with his shirt. He’s home? The shirt’s off. And I’m betting if you’re Army, you are no where near as flubbery as this guy. Soft, like the Dough Boy. And, frankly, like my middle-aged body, but I have the common decency to keep my flubbery bits covered when neighbors might see them. I better stop or my obsessive compulsive evil twin will pop out and start a rant about shirtless men who should not be shirtless (that is everyone but Joe Manganiello and Zac Effron).
July 10, 2013 at 22:30
Suffice it to say I’m flubbery enough to not walk about and scare co-residing humans.
July 11, 2013 at 08:33
i know very well a couple of fence addicts – one alcohol and one nicotine. The nicotine guy tries everything to quit – cold turkey, electronic cigarettes, gum, patches…..and he still bums cigarettes every single day.
Alcohol addict – lost cause. She’s a mess unfortunately – she’ll figure it out that she’s an addict and then the next week act like her revelation never occurred. At least 15 times I’ve been through this with her…..
July 11, 2013 at 08:47
Delightful… I can only imagine.
July 26, 2013 at 15:29
That Guy I hate? The guy who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to work his VYC into an unending squealing cacophony out in the yard of your apartment building while you’re trying to watch a football game 3 floors up! Just saying . . . 😉
July 26, 2013 at 15:44
At a frequency that makes dogs howl, no doubt.