That Guy: Complain-y

A lot of things upset me.  Most things stay in the general irritation level, and I can mentally grumble and imagine the perpetrator or violator’s untimely, painful and very messy death at my gleeful hands in order to assuage my inner angry.  Other times, I like to bitch and complain.  Now is one of those times.  I’m here to complain about That Guy again.  I know, it’s been a while.

Lawn Toy Redneck Guy.  I’m in the age bracket where I find myself paired alongside – sometimes flanked – by other people with kids.  Not your surly, unresponsive, sallow teens in this complaint, though I’ve had that experience as well.  No, I’m talking about the Very Young Child, or VYC if you dig military-style acronyms.  These are in the preschool to kindergarden range.  I do like kids, admit I’m done with them, and realize I’ll be a far better grandparent than a parent.  Some of you are there with me.  Amen.  Anyway, what sandpapers my nuts is the plastic lawn toys, bikes, scooters, plastic swords, balls, and water guns that litter everyone’s yard.  Why?  Because mom and dad think it’s perfectly okay to use my lawn as a mini-redneck-car collection storage area and open-air Toys-n-shit-r-Us.  Not that I know anyone like that right now, I’m just saying.

Addict on the Fence Guy.  Up front, I’m a nicotine addict.  I also have a job so that I can feed that addiction.  If I run out, I have nobody but my own self to blame.  The Fence Guy you might know.  He will show up new to your office, all happy handshakes.  He’ll announce proudly, “I’m quitting (smoking/ dipping/heroin/coke)!” all proud of himself.  Then Fence Guy goes to work.  He’ll sneak into your cubicle and say, “I’m having a bad time today, can I bum a (smoke/dip/hit/line)?”  This transitional period of twelvestepping continues for three or more years, while Fence Guy’s habit remains fed on the collective dimes of the office he is sucking from like a tick.  Not that I know anyone like that, I’m just saying.

Have a favorite That Guy?  Most hated?  Hit the comment button and share!

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74 Responses to “That Guy: Complain-y”

  1. Good to see you, my friend. I’ll go with Hipster Trying Too Hard Guy: this is the guy with the man purse, edgy haircut, skinny jeans, and artfully ripped clothing. These guys make me want to kick their asses just so they can man up a little bit.

  2. The Human Cholesterol Guy. Clogging the arteries of my life. Always stopping at work to have a conversation in the busiest area, walking at a glacial pace shoulder to shoulder with his wife and kid thus taking up the entire sidewalk, coming to a complete stop on the interstate on-ramp, doing his shopping from the dead center of the grocery aisle. Road rage at work or in the grocery store? Yep, it happens and it aint pretty.

  3. Can we have a word about German Luxury Car Guy Who Thinks He Owns The Road? Did his hunk of overengineered metal come with a certificate allowing him permission to ignore all traffic laws and his fellow drivers’ general safety?

  4. Online Hater Guy-lives to leave hater comments on peoples blog/youtube/vine while never having one of his/her own. Comments are never funny or helpful.

  5. “what sandpapers my nuts “, I am so loving that little nugget… hehehe.
    So many ‘that guys’ but the one that currently stands out is the ‘ Entitled’ guy. “I have a Harley, which makes me a man, which means I can cruise up and down your streets, setting off car alarms, scaring children and old people and ruining movies for people without PVRs with my noise, my very big fucking noise, not to mention big vibration.” Which, really, makes that bike the most expensive vibrator on earth.
    Just sayn’.

  6. twindaddy Says:

    Right now I hate Stop In The Middle Of The Road And Put My Car In Reverse Guy. That dude really totals my car…

  7. That Guy: while running on the boardwalk at the beach with a friend and my daughter in the stroller, THAT GUY ogled my 4 year old. And not in a “oh she’s so cute” kind of way. More like in a “if I wasn’t on probation and your mom looked away for a second ” kind of way.

    EW

  8. I’m the best fucking teacher in the world guy: This guy can’t stop talking about how great he is, consistently destroys students’ self esteem by telling them they can’t write their way out of a paper bag and reminds me daily why I’m so far beneath him. Little does he know his students have created a “I Hate Mr.” page on facebook about him. Redemption!

  9. It was one of those days where EVERYONE was That Guy. In particular, That Guy who stood behind me on line at the ATM. He was so far up my ass that he should have bought me a drink first, or at least asked for my name. Personal space, motherfucker.

  10. 1jaded1 Says:

    Guy in the car behind me, following so closely, that my tailpipe thinks it’s being assfucked. Back off. My car isn’t gonna sprout wings and that line of cars in FRONT of me isn’t going anywhere either.

    Ha! As far as the toys go, take the finders keepers mentality and those people might think twice…

  11. That guy that takes 24 hours to respond to a text message even though he started the conversation and you were just replying. (if you can’t figure it out I am in the middle of dating and it is doing my head in!) Ha

  12. I love to hate all those That Guys. I’m with Jaded. Toys left on my lawn become My Property, and my garbage. Center of aisle shoppers often return to an empty space and a cart in the dairy section. I’ve got grumpy I haven’t even taken out of the box yet.

  13. FailPartyPlanner Guy. When I’m told to reserve a certain day a couple of weeks ahead for a party but never get any further information from the person putting it together which makes me feel like they really didn’t want to invite me but did out of courtesy or some shit. Don’t mention it if you don’t really want me there! If you do, send me the info early enough so I can grab a hotel room since it’s happening in another city and will likely go late.

  14. You must live right down the street from me…that lawn makes me shutter. I can only imagine what the inside of the house looks like. Yikes!

  15. Leave that stuff out on the lawn around here and it’ll be gone. You can sell anything in flea markets.
    Let’s see, how about the dingbat next door that hauls out her sprinkler in the middle of 100 degree sunny day when total watering ban is in effect due to drought (and there are big fines for not obeying) turns on the water for hours and says “Well, I’ve been out of town. And the lawn is dry”
    She’s also the one who gets defensive when neighbors ask her to keep her dog off everyone’s front porch because his urine stinks….”it’s just too hot to walk him and he hates the leash and I don’t want him poo-ing in our backyard.”)
    Oh the joy.

  16. Friends of on-the-fence guy – Lightless Jakasses.
    Because there’s nothing I enjoy more than stepping out for a quick smoke break with a good book, then being asked 17 times for a light.

    Why don’t I set your hair on fire. That’ll last at least half a block.
    Well, maybe less if you change direction erratically while running…

  17. I have written about Beached Whale Guy, the neighbor who takes his shirt off in April and doesn’t put it back on again until October. He is flubbery and pasty and, as the preteen girls in the neighborhood say, “Ewwwwwww!” Now, his kids are following in his footsteps. Last year, the youngest took it further, stood on the ladder into their pool (did I say they don’t have a privacy fence?), dropped his Speedo and started screaming, “I’m nakey! I’m nakey!”

    Please write about men who don’t wear shirts but who really should wear shirts.

    • I’m actually an expert on this, and I might be your neighbor, based on the ‘flubbery’ description. I do wear shirts at work. Army says so.

      • Do you take your shoes off at the door when you come home? This guy does that with his shirt. He’s home? The shirt’s off. And I’m betting if you’re Army, you are no where near as flubbery as this guy. Soft, like the Dough Boy. And, frankly, like my middle-aged body, but I have the common decency to keep my flubbery bits covered when neighbors might see them. I better stop or my obsessive compulsive evil twin will pop out and start a rant about shirtless men who should not be shirtless (that is everyone but Joe Manganiello and Zac Effron).

  18. i know very well a couple of fence addicts – one alcohol and one nicotine. The nicotine guy tries everything to quit – cold turkey, electronic cigarettes, gum, patches…..and he still bums cigarettes every single day.

    Alcohol addict – lost cause. She’s a mess unfortunately – she’ll figure it out that she’s an addict and then the next week act like her revelation never occurred. At least 15 times I’ve been through this with her…..

  19. That Guy I hate? The guy who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to work his VYC into an unending squealing cacophony out in the yard of your apartment building while you’re trying to watch a football game 3 floors up! Just saying . . . 😉

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