Holiday In Afghanistan

So here I am, sitting here in lovely Kabul.  The air is crisp and cold, there is a smell of burning… something… in the air that reminds me of shit.  It’s December, and we’re spiralling toward Christmas again in an uncontrolled fall.  How fucking glorious is it then that I get to avoid all the bullshit of shopping, wrapping, decorating, and enduring of emotionally-overcharged days where forced smiles are de rigeur?  I know, you sooooo want to be me right now.

If any of that above sounded bitter, go back and read this entire blog since December 2011, jackwagon.  It’s not.  If I had to make a prioritized list of all the holidays that fall between January 1st and December 31st, Christmas would be down in the bottom two (The other tying vote?  Guess).  Anyway, because I know the Rants Army is a curious bunch, I know you are thirsting – no, lusting – for a description of what the holidays are like here in Afghanistan.  Strap yourself down.  Here we go:

DEC 24: Get up at 5AM, scrape face and teeth, put on garanimals uniform.  Navigate to chow by braille.  Eat cold cereal to avoid heartburn from oatmeal.  Stagger to office.  Work like a slave from 6:30AM to 11PM.  Possible 15-minute excursion to the chow hall to collect lunch edibles (tuna – no heartburn) in a to-go tray, consumed at desk. Dinner somewhere between 6PM and 7PM, meeting-schedule-dependent.  Give up in frustration soon after 11PM.  Stagger to 40′ shipping container tricked out with 70’s faux wood paneling. Collapse in a coma after viewing 15 minutes of a Star Trek episode.

DEC 25: Get up at 5AM, scrape face and teeth, put on garanimals uniform.  Navigate to chow by braille.  Eat cold cereal to avoid heartburn from oatmeal.  Stagger to office.  Work like a slave from 6:30AM to 11PM.  Possible 15-minute excursion to the chow hall to collect lunch edibles (tuna – no heartburn) in a to-go tray, consumed at desk. Dinner somewhere between 6PM and 7PM, meeting-schedule-dependent, choice of turkey or tuna.  Recall time difference, note to self to call home in the morning. Give up in frustration soon after 11PM.  Stagger to 40′ shipping container tricked out with 70’s faux wood paneling. Collapse in a coma after viewing 15 minutes of a Star Trek episode.

DEC 26: Get up at 5AM, scrape face and teeth, put on garanimals uniform.  Navigate to chow by braille.  Eat cold cereal to avoid heartburn from oatmeal.  Stagger to office.  Work like a slave from 6:30AM to 11PM.  Possible 15-minute excursion to the chow hall to collect lunch edibles (tuna – no heartburn) in a to-go tray, consumed at desk. Dinner somewhere between 6PM and 7PM, meeting-schedule-dependent.  Forget to call home completely. Give up in frustration soon after 11PM.  Stagger to 40′ shipping container tricked out with 70’s faux wood paneling. Collapse in a coma after viewing 15 minutes of a Star Trek episode.

Again, I know you are all envious.  Not everyone can live this dream, and it looks a lot like Groundhog Day.  Merry fucking Christmas, motherfuckers.  The death-rattle of every year is music to my ringing ears.

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14 Responses to “Holiday In Afghanistan”

  1. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    It’s a wonderful life!

  2. Christmas isn’t up there on my list of faves either. I much prefer holidays where my house isn’t consumed by people who won’t let me sit on my own couch…I hope you do some kind of celebration over there…maybe the gift of antacids and air freshener…
    Merry Christmas (insert your actual name here- I do know it!). Maybe Santa will bring you something.

  3. Shimoniac Says:

    What I want to know is… Is it the same 15 minutes of the same episode, different 15 minutes of the same episode, or any 15 minutes of random episodes. If it’s the first, you’ve been trapped in the movie Groundhog Day. If it’s the second, at least you can watch an episode every three-four days. If it’s the last you are beyond hope and trapped in hell.
    May you keep hope alive and come back that way yourself.

  4. Know ya’ll (out of necessity) are big tough guys, but stashing a hug over there in the corner for you…it’s there when you have time…maybe during that 15 minutes of Star Trek. Live long and prosper

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Dear Rants,
    I’m sorry that my holiday has found you to be in a joy-sucking, emotionally-despairing, stinky shithole. Just remember, you are appreciated and lots of people want the best for you and for you to come home safely. Enclosing a naked poster of Salma Hayek.
    Sincerely,
    Santy Claus

    p.s. Whitelady is only used for channeling purposes because of her power of the psychic powers…so, please don’t reply with fuck off or bite me….

    Merry fucking Christmas

    • Santa, Awesome. I assume you have my list, though the Salma poster is appreciated. I can’t emphasize how much I’d like that one weapon, with the asterisk.

      Rants

  6. Hey, it could be worse – you could be feasting on first-gen MREs. At least what you’re getting is, in some VERY vague way, related to edible.
    If you’re stuck on one Classic Trek episode, try to make it “Miri”. There’s lotsa nice shots of Grace. My little gift to you. 😉
    Oh, and I am officially opening a campaign to collect fruitcakes to send to you – in case you run short of DU for the tank guns.
    Merry Effin’ Christmas, buddy, and may your remaining days in the Sandbox pass VERY quickly.

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