I Love Fucking With The Man
Don’t believe the title? Well, I do. Why? Because I have little future in the Army so I’m going to have fun with what I have left. Here’s the story:
TO: LTC Rants FROM: Rants’ Boss DATE: Monday SUBJECT: BriefingRants,
Need you to build a PowerPoint brief for the new civilian Director for our organization. Keep in mind, he knows nothing about what we do, but will need the 30,000-ft picture of that. Explain what we do. Keep it short. Don’t overwhelm him.
–Boss
TO: Rants’ Boss FROM: LTC Rants DATE: Tuesday SUBJECT: RE: BriefingSir,
Please find attached the concept based on your guidance regarding the new dude. Hope this is righteous enough.
Love,
Rants
LTC Rants:
I did not find anything vaguely amusing or funny about your sarcastic presentation. Stick to the facts.
– Your Boss
TO: Rants’ Boss FROM: LTC Rants DATE: Thursday SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: BriefingSir,
Kicked this idea up a notch – BAM!!.
Love,
Rants
——————
TO: LTC Rants FROM: Rants’ Boss DATE: Friday SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: BriefingLTC Rants,
I would almost believe you are being intentionally obtuse, but I’m not sure you’re bright enough to fake that condition. Re-look this project and come back to me with something worth looking at. We need something that captures the spirit of our organization yet summarizes the immensity of what we manage to do daily. Optimize your presentation with some relevant words and imagery. Tell our story.
-Your irritated boss
TO: Rants’ Boss FROM: LTC Rants DATE: Monday SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BriefingSir,
I’ve managed to interpolate the lint of your dreamcatcher imagination quite well here in the absence of even vague guidance. I don’t think much could top this shit… evar! LOL.
Rock on,
The Rants Cowboy (Not Maurice)
—————————–
TO: LTC Rants FROM: Rants’ Boss DATE: Tuesday SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BriefingRants-
Obviously you are not taking this seriously. Internet cats and memes have no place in Our Army. You should know this after 22 years. Perhaps you should reevaluate your career choices and think of the future. I expect an actual product on the next turn, with less Busey and more emphasis.
-Boss and Rater
TO: Rants’ Boss FROM: LTC Rants DATE: Wednesday SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: BriefingDear Supreme Galactic Commander,
Sorry to piss you off. You’re right – I obviously got some key facts wrong, and mischaracterized our work and organization. Please consider the following slide deck in lieu of my clearly-fucked-up and vastly-immature product. More emphasis included. Such awesome. Wow. What derp.
Elvis Lives,
Rants
————–
So my boss didn’t like the revisions. No idea what the fuck-all I’m doing wrong.
BrainRants 
February 24, 2014 at 06:26
You should have added rockets, he would have liked it if it had rockets. Just sayin’…. Rockets!!!
February 24, 2014 at 07:22
That, or just a picture of fucking bacon.
February 24, 2014 at 06:29
I don’t know what you’re doing wrong either… but then again, I’m surprised either of us have a job.
February 24, 2014 at 07:23
Secret here: you’ve heard of a million monkeys typing and one will write ‘Hamlet.’ I’m one of those cube monkeys.
February 24, 2014 at 20:23
You’re not the smelly one, are you?
February 24, 2014 at 20:42
Probably. How would I know?
February 24, 2014 at 20:44
The rest of them seem quite clean. For monkeys, anyway.
February 24, 2014 at 20:45
Ah. Relative standing of stench.
February 24, 2014 at 20:46
That’s what life’s all about. Do I go into the little bathroom with the garbage can full of soiled diapers, or into the laundry room smeared with feces? In the middle lies the kitchen. Also smeared with feces.
February 25, 2014 at 08:26
Somehow I’m glad I’m not you. Sounds like things are pretty shitty all over… ba dum bump.
February 25, 2014 at 14:03
Oh boy…
February 25, 2014 at 14:13
Sorry, I was channelling John Erickson.
February 25, 2014 at 19:54
No worries. But you could make it up to me by handling a few dirty diapers here and there.
February 25, 2014 at 21:43
Okay.
February 24, 2014 at 06:32
My email truncated your post title to the first three words. I swear that’s not why I read it though. This was fucking hilarious. I’ll contact you if I ever need some Powerpoint inspiration.
February 24, 2014 at 07:25
Admittedly, I have to say that yes I do like that as well. I vaguely recall what that was like. Do not pick me for PP work. Seriously.
February 24, 2014 at 06:59
Gary Busey never gets old.
February 24, 2014 at 07:26
Actually, he does, and what makes him awesome is that fact that his fucked-up-edness grows in proportion to his age. I know someone who has an actual Busey clock. Fact.
February 24, 2014 at 10:07
A Busey Clock? For real?? That must be one messed up person. 😉
February 24, 2014 at 10:52
Only slightly, but very creative and interesting.
February 24, 2014 at 07:31
I don’t get it either. I would have promoted you at least twice throughout this process.
February 24, 2014 at 10:52
Maybe I should work for you.
February 24, 2014 at 10:57
I will pay you in jokes.
February 24, 2014 at 11:11
I need money or bacon.
February 24, 2014 at 11:16
All I have is jokes about money and Bacon.
February 24, 2014 at 13:14
Those are great, but much less filling.
February 24, 2014 at 13:17
Damn. Oh, well. I tried.
February 24, 2014 at 13:23
A for effort.
February 24, 2014 at 13:23
Woot!
February 24, 2014 at 13:26
😀
February 24, 2014 at 07:36
That is fucking hilarious PP work.
Happens in civilian life too.
You ended your email to your superior “Love, Rants”…twice. Bwahaha.
Off for bacon.
February 24, 2014 at 10:53
Irreverence can be attention-getting.
February 24, 2014 at 11:49
Sad but true.
February 24, 2014 at 13:14
Sometimes, it’s good.
February 24, 2014 at 13:29
My company is hiring. We’ll need to collect your soul at the door. Don’t have one? You’ve just aced the interview.
February 24, 2014 at 14:24
Cha-ching.
February 24, 2014 at 20:35
Sucks about what the lamestream media is saying re:Army In all seriousness and despite recent events, the company is good to work for. We have offices all around the world, including Texas, USA.
February 24, 2014 at 20:42
I might just look into it.
February 25, 2014 at 02:53
😀
February 25, 2014 at 08:27
😐
February 24, 2014 at 07:49
Taint stain.
Not directed at anybody, I just wanted to say it.
Carry on.
February 24, 2014 at 10:53
Fo’ shizzle.
February 24, 2014 at 08:09
Think you need more cats – that should help.
A Rolling On The Floor Laughing post…
February 24, 2014 at 10:54
I couldn’t decide between ‘derp cat’ or ‘amazingly cute kitten cat’ so there it is.
February 24, 2014 at 08:15
Is “re-look” a verb? I don’t know who made me laugh more, you or him. You’re so close to retirement with full benefits. Why blow it now?
February 24, 2014 at 10:54
It’s a polite euphemism for “fucking start over.” Sort of like, “We’re moving your cube to the sub-basement.”
February 24, 2014 at 08:17
Are you available for contract work?
February 24, 2014 at 10:55
Only if there is no Power Point.
February 24, 2014 at 08:58
That’s 77 different kinds of fabulous. Well done and thanks for busey-ing my Monday!
February 24, 2014 at 09:00
Mondays should be Busey-ed.
February 24, 2014 at 11:04
I so need a Busey clock…
February 24, 2014 at 11:12
I know a guy who knows a guy.
February 24, 2014 at 11:17
Clearly you are wiser, and more honest, than Boss Man.
Have you read this one? http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html In light of this post, I think you’ll enjoy the boss/subordinate conversation here.
February 24, 2014 at 13:18
That very post inspired this one. Sadly, I should draw bitmap spiders for a living.
February 24, 2014 at 11:36
I have worked for your boss too! Never satisfied, no matter what you do! Maybe if you’d put a tank or 2 or some army green into your presentation?
February 24, 2014 at 13:16
Then the comment is, “Too violent.” Really? I thought this was the Army and shit.
February 24, 2014 at 12:03
Ballroom dance instructor.
February 24, 2014 at 13:19
I suppose I could do that. I’d need a whole new nervous system, a right hip, and that elusive thing called ‘coordination.’
February 24, 2014 at 12:44
Rants – this is proof that you would THRIVE in the private sector!
February 24, 2014 at 13:20
I doubt they’d know what hit them. Then they’d fire me. Actually, I will probably get the chance very soon.
February 24, 2014 at 13:09
I notice he had no actual input on capturing ‘the spirit of our organization yet summarizes the immensity of what we manage to do daily’ other than the actual use, and rejection of several, power point presentations – Thanks Army!
February 24, 2014 at 13:21
Exactly. These are people who will say, “I’ll know it when I see it” out loud when handing out guidance on what they want to see.
February 24, 2014 at 17:26
You are so damn funny, Rants!
February 24, 2014 at 19:19
Thanks, Lady!
February 25, 2014 at 15:39
Showed this to my military son, made perfect sense to him. But I think bacon and covers should have been added.
February 25, 2014 at 15:41
Bacon would have been the key, yes.
February 25, 2014 at 15:42
😉
February 25, 2014 at 15:44
🙂