Obviously some higher power on whatever ethereal plane is dicking with me here. You’ll likely recall the ongoing complaints by me regarding a certain search string that someone out there – some disturbed sicko – uses that somehow directs to my site here.

The particular search term is “Mongolian Porn,” and this recurring item on my search term roster defies explanation since I’ve never written about Mongolia, Mongolian Porn, or other topics of near-case spelling. I suppose until now, that is, assuming you think kick-assery is tantamount to porn.

One of the first things I noticed upon arrival here at Camp Morningwood (no, it’s not actually called that) was that the place was overrun by short, serious-looking, body-armor-sporting Asian dudes toting AK-47’s like they knew how to use them. They all dressed alike, which told me they were all in the same unit, but was confusing given the NATO flavor of the Coalition here.

This was notable since the last time I checked there were no Asian folks involved in NATO, and the fact that within the camp, we don’t wear our body armor (thank the god of happy knees). Obviously something important was going on here. Always a curious fucktard, I immediately began asking questions, and the answer was that the camp perimeter security is provided by a unit from the Mongolian Army. I feel pretty safe, and here’s why:

They’re direct descendants of Genghis Khan’s hordes. Google that shit!

They do flying-sword martial arts ninja-shit with mid-air behind-the-knee choke-outs just for fun.

Notice neither Russia nor China even bothers fucking with Mongolia?

During an attack on our camp a month or so back, while everyone was taking cover, the Mongolians were running out of the gate screaming, “Get Some!” But in Mongolian.

The local insurgents fear them to the point of wetting themselves because they believe the Mongolians eat their dead… the rest of us just go with it.

They’re never seen without body armor on. Ever. Even eating, which for breakfast involves a lot of eggs. They probably shower with that shit on.

Of all the Mongolian dudes here I see all day, about two of the hundred or so of them come past my shoulder. Not that I’d ever think of making fun of them. I suspect that if they understood me, I’d wind up being provided with a taste-test of my own asshole. It’s all about biomechanical leverage.

Not that I worry. All of them are friendly as hell and nod and say, “hi” constantly. They take a lot of pride in providing the rest of us with security, and they’ve earned their badass badges.

Afghanistan Countdown: 355 days


34 Responses to “Mongolians!”

  1. Great post Rants! Love your ‘Reasons’ why the Mongolians rock. Make more friends…. Dig their BBQ

  2. Holy crap- you get even funnier when you are deployed! I watched a special on Mongolians once- they have some shit to deal with! Crazy wind, sand, snow, all while staring down the ass of a ridiculously hairy camel!!!

  3. Glad to hear someone is watching out for you guys..take care.

  4. John Erickson Says:

    Dude, these guys live in tents called “yurts” (try taking THAT word seriously) and sleep with yaks (goats with REALLY bad attitudes). They schlep all their crap on their little ponies, and have been beat on for over 500 years.
    YOU try living through all that and still being able to spout poetry and arrange flowers! 😉

    • John Erickson Says:

      By the by, there are only 113 of them there, according to NATO/ISAF. Granted, that’s like a regiment or division for them, but you should feel lucky to have stumbled upon a group of them, considering their low numbers relative to the overall milieu of NATO forces! (If you need some cheap entertainment, check out your fellow soldiers’ national origins at )

      • Trust me, this is all quite entertaining.

        • John Erickson Says:

          Any Canucks near you? I figure I already envy you your proximity to real Tim Horton’s stuff, I may as well hate you for being near my beloved Great White Northeners. 😉

          • No Tim’s here, but there is the occasional Canuck wandering around here. They’re largely done with Afghanistan.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Whenever you cross paths, give ’em a big howdie from me. Feel free to describe me as a raging Canadophile, lost in the wilderness of Ohio.
            And if you ever see somebody from the Royal Hamilton Light Infantry (RHLI tabs on shoulders, a big brass maple leaf with “Wentworth” on a wreath across it for a cap badge), give them my name and Email. Seriously, please do this if you can. I’d love to hook onto a fellow “Riley” to chat up.
            And as always, thank you, for your efforts and immense tolerance of yahoos like yours truly! 😉

          • Will do, John.

    • They don’t ‘do’ poetry.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Didn’t think so. I figured they were more like Gurkhas, the kind of folk to slip into a tent, unseen and unheard, slit the throats of half the enemy, then slip back out undetected, leaving those still alive to wake up screaming. Gotta love those types!

  5. And they take the Genghis Khan thing seriously.
    Maybe as thanks for their services, you could show them how to barbecue a yak?

  6. Nice play on words with “Camp Morningwood” Glad to know you’re being well protected. Miss your rants though.

  7. I taught a guy from Mongolia a few years ago. He was really nice.

    OTOH, I’m sure you know that The Great Wall of China was built to keep the Mongolians out. 😀

  8. hi is a new MORNDAY”Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

    – Psalm 150:6 (NIV)DOT

  9. “Notice neither Russia nor China even bothers fucking with Mongolia?” I hadn’t thought about it but I see your point. I need some of those Mongolian guys to guard my secret writing lair. My minions are still on back order.

    • I’d point out in earlier comments that the Chinese built the Great Wall to keep them out…

      I’ll talk to them and see if they’re interested.

  10. Alright, fess up: Camp Morningwood was from a movie. I spent many years thinking my husband was funny until I realized he was just quoting movie lines! ha

    • You may be right and a little voice in my head subconsciously reminded me of it.

      • So I had the husband check into it. His best guess was “Meatballs” then searched the term and found that there is actually a new movie in production called “Camp Morningwood”!! AND there are Camp t-shirts for sale (not sure if they’re related to the movie) with the tagline: “Pitching Tents Since 1969.”

  11. Always stand next to the pit bulls….or maybe behind them ….and have decoy bbq/beer if necessary in case they notice you

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