What I’m Wondering About Now

After being here for three weeks, I now feel fully qualified to start my ranty bitchfest o’ hate on topics of general interest to me. Having been here and done this once before, you could say I have an eye for that which is deserving of my spew. Here’s what’s in my crosshairs at the moment:

Toilet Paper – I have no earthly idea who came up with the idea, or who the sadistic dickwad was who looked at the blueprints and decided that was a fab-damn-ulous idea for the toilet paper dispensers. I’m developing a powerful and burning hatred for both of those asshats. To describe the situation, picture yourself in seated, porcelain-worship donorhood. When you’re ready to clean up and move on, you note that instead of a dispenser at your left or right, you have a curtain-rod arrangement located four inches behind your shoulders between the walls of the stall. WTF? This configuration requires contortion nearly beyond the ability of my 43-year-old spine.

Eggs – I have always believed that hard-boiling eggs is one of those basic cooking functions you master quickly after boiling water by itself. It’s not too hard: put the water in the pot, apply heat. Water boils, add eggs. Wait. Remove eggs. So either there’s gross ineptitude afoot here in the chow hall, or the eggs are intrinsically different here in Afghanistan because every morning I spend about twenty minutes struggling to shell these fuckers. Somehow the shell becomes fused to the edible part, and in the process I lose about half the consumable deliciousness. How difficult is it to throw some salt in that water halfway through? Hook a brother up for fuck’s sake, because my breakfast’s warm parts get cold and the cold parts get warm.

Toilet Paper Redux – As if having to perform Pilates in order to wipe my ass isn’t enough, we’re clearly contracted with a company that manufactures the world’s thinnest asswipe. While I suspect that it will completely dissolve in water, I do know for certain that it shreds on contact with human flesh. I’ll spare you all the graphic description of the immediate and later-day effects, but suffice it to say that this five-molecule-thick product is simply not up to the task of taking on this Tanker’s ass.

So that’s what has me distracted at the moment. In reality, I actually do have more to worry about that eating and shitting, but merely haven’t discovered the rantworthy turds in those punchbowls yet.

Countdown: 347

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50 Responses to “What I’m Wondering About Now”

  1. Damn. Is there a congressman I can write to at least get you some 2 ply?
    Really!
    I’ll mail you some if you want!

  2. Avoid the eggs. Eggs lead to the toilet. It’s a vicious cycle.

  3. I am very particular about my toilet paper placement…i want it at a level where I don’t have to bend over. I should be able to just reach and get it…I was in a bathroom recently where the toilet paper dispenser was so low, that you could see it underneath the stall door. I was in a second bathroom where the centering was off and the dispenser tried to knock you off the pot.

  4. I imagine “somebody” decided that, in the interest of ‘not discriminating against righties or lefties’, the tp should be “in the middle”; thus, the only ‘logical’ location is on the wall!
    Gakkkkhhh! Clearly, “somebody” who never actually *uses* a toilet! 😉

  5. It’s all part of an ingenious strategy. In a few weeks there’s going to be an announcement that Al Qaeda is hoarding quilted 2-ply in the hills. History will marvel at the ferociousness our soldiers showed that day.

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    It’s always good to know what you’re wondering about.

  7. Sounds like they’re overboiling teh eggs. Probably based on directions in some manual written by someone who has all his meals prepared for him.

  8. Hey! Incorrectly boiled eggs suck big weenie.. the damn shell sticking to the egg with the creepy skin on it… GAH!
    So is good toilet paper something troops appreciate sent overseas? Cause I never even thought of that one.

  9. What the hell is up with the placement of those TP rolls? They seem to have been designed by sadistic midgets looking to get revenge on standard-size people.

  10. Add eggs to water BEFORE boiling. I learned the hard way.

  11. John Erickson Says:

    As to the eggs, I think it’s their point of origin. Even the eggs need extra armour! 😉
    As to the – um – problems at the, shall we say, other end of the spectrum, I think you need a subscription to one of the warehouse stores that sell baby wipes. Trust me, they are GREAT for a thorough clean without ending up with REALLY messy confetti. 😀

  12. Good to see you back to form. I mean. I learned much from this post, but noticed you were low on the search function highlightdom.

  13. There may be a problem boiling the eggs because of the altitude you’re at which is causing the eggs to stick to the shell. If you dump them into cold water as soon as they are boiled correctly, it shocks the inside into shrinking away from the shell, thus no sticking.
    You would think if they were trying to be politically correct & put the TP dispenser in the middle they could at least have hung it on the back of the door where you could still reach it. What are you supposed to do, estimate before you sit down how much paper you will need so you get it ahead of time? That’s as dumb those grocery stores where you have to buy the bags before you know how many you will need.

  14. LOL! 😐 .

    Sorry about the toilet paper issue. And hey, shitting is extremely important. Great ideas have emerged from the best and brightest while on the shitter.

    Otherwise, good to hear from you.

  15. Glad to see you post (even though I’m late getting to it) even if toilets are involved. Subpar TP definitely sucks. 😦

  16. I had to apologize to my cubicle-mates for my outbursts of laughter…at your expense!

  17. Alas, we are spoiled. For a million years, upright bipeds have used leaves, sticks, corn cobs, a drunken buddy’s shirt tail, or simply done the old dog-on-the-living room-rug shtick somewhere to accomplish the task. We’ve gotten used to 14 varieties of multi-layered Soft n Silky, yadda yadda, and I, like most, remove rectal residue with something genetically related to the common pillow. I was going to offer the pointless suggestion that when in Afghanistan, do as the Afghanis do, but I suspect you already are. Look at the bright side….you’re less likely to pick your nose.

  18. I am coming upon your blog now as a result of a recommendation by fellow blogger, Archon’s Den. I may be able to commiserate a little with your situation, although there will be some significant differences too – I was in the U.S. Navy for 22 years – diesel submarines mainly. Chow good, showers infrequent, sleep at a premium.

    I have to say up front, however, that we did know where to put the toilet paper holders. That said, however, the classic American design for those, uh, stinks. The European design is better – a simple hook with a slightly up-turned end. I have them in my house and the design deserves acclaim right up there with the safety pin and paper clip for genius.

    • Diesel subs at least beat the bicycle-powered ones, I’m guessing. As for toilet paper, I’m pretty happy as long as it’s conveniently within reach. I don’t even give a shit (pun very intentional) about the ‘over’ or ‘under’ debate… though I will look into Euro slightly-upturned asswipe-hooks after I’m back home.

      Oh, and Beat Navy!

  19. Beat Navy? Can’t let that happen – it could start a trend. 😀

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