Mongolians!

Obviously some higher power on whatever ethereal plane is dicking with me here. You’ll likely recall the ongoing complaints by me regarding a certain search string that someone out there – some disturbed sicko – uses that somehow directs to my site here.

The particular search term is “Mongolian Porn,” and this recurring item on my search term roster defies explanation since I’ve never written about Mongolia, Mongolian Porn, or other topics of near-case spelling. I suppose until now, that is, assuming you think kick-assery is tantamount to porn.

One of the first things I noticed upon arrival here at Camp Morningwood (no, it’s not actually called that) was that the place was overrun by short, serious-looking, body-armor-sporting Asian dudes toting AK-47’s like they knew how to use them. They all dressed alike, which told me they were all in the same unit, but was confusing given the NATO flavor of the Coalition here.

This was notable since the last time I checked there were no Asian folks involved in NATO, and the fact that within the camp, we don’t wear our body armor (thank the god of happy knees). Obviously something important was going on here. Always a curious fucktard, I immediately began asking questions, and the answer was that the camp perimeter security is provided by a unit from the Mongolian Army. I feel pretty safe, and here’s why:

They’re direct descendants of Genghis Khan’s hordes. Google that shit!

They do flying-sword martial arts ninja-shit with mid-air behind-the-knee choke-outs just for fun.

Notice neither Russia nor China even bothers fucking with Mongolia?

During an attack on our camp a month or so back, while everyone was taking cover, the Mongolians were running out of the gate screaming, “Get Some!” But in Mongolian.

The local insurgents fear them to the point of wetting themselves because they believe the Mongolians eat their dead… the rest of us just go with it.

They’re never seen without body armor on. Ever. Even eating, which for breakfast involves a lot of eggs. They probably shower with that shit on.

Of all the Mongolian dudes here I see all day, about two of the hundred or so of them come past my shoulder. Not that I’d ever think of making fun of them. I suspect that if they understood me, I’d wind up being provided with a taste-test of my own asshole. It’s all about biomechanical leverage.

Not that I worry. All of them are friendly as hell and nod and say, “hi” constantly. They take a lot of pride in providing the rest of us with security, and they’ve earned their badass badges.

Afghanistan Countdown: 355 days