A New Holiday

I really think we need a new Federal holiday. It has to be Federal so people will have time off and be able to celebrate the day in style. Plus, I might pick up a good three- or four-day weekend in there once it takes off and the Army lets folks blow off steam. So obviously this will have to be planned and instituted in those long periods of the year between other good holidays that we get time off for.

I’m not really sure what to call this new holiday, but I suppose Rant Day would suffice as a placeholder. Not that I want to be famous and shit… at least not any more famous than I already am. I don’t need any fuckwitted paparazzi stalking me and taking photos of me pissing in my shrubbery. Besides, being famous is a lot of work, and I’m already pretty busy.

So the theme of this Rants Day would be a day when you can just cut loose and express yourself. Pissed off at the world? Let it out! Sick of your boss at work? Let him know how you really feel. Yeah, I see this coming together nicely already. A kind of National Day of Catharsis. With attitude.

Since holidays also have to have some kind of associated rituals that can be capitalistically exploited in order to lose the whole focus of the holiday, I’ve got some awesome suggestions:

Ritual Self-Flagellation. Get your mind out of the gutter. This means you have to identify what chaps your ass and go wallow in it. Hate PowerPoint? Sit through a two-hour sominex of pointlessness. Hate your job or boss? Go to work. Hate politicians? Read or watch the news. You get the point – make yourself do something you hate – it builds up a nice powerful head of steam for later.

Costumes. They’re not just for Halloween anymore. Options for this include camouflage, but generally can be anything black or gray. Loose-fitting items are preferred, because sometimes you want a good, full arc on that baseball bat you’re going to be swinging later. Comfort is important. Cotton is preferred.

Food. Eat whatever the fuck you want. Even better, if someone critiques your choices, portion size, or number of returns to the serving plate, you can channel that into your building rage. The only requirement for the holiday here is that bacon must be involved.

Beverages. These would be of the adult, carbonated barley soda type. Clearly we do not wish to condone alcohol abuse (*snicker*) but this is necessary in order to help lower that internal filter that keeps your chapped ass cheeks inflamed. Guzzle a few to alleviate the filter problem. Don’t like beer? Tough shit – channel that rage into your bubbling cauldron of Hate-orade.

Ranting. Pick your forum. Blogs are fine, but real catharsis happens when you lower the filter between your mouth and brain and let fly with how you really and truly feel. Drop the hammer! Foul, potty-mouthed words are not only highly encouraged, they’re unofficially mandatory. Spew your bile and anger until there’s no more, and then dig deeper. Be your anger.

I’m not sure how the day concludes, other than possibly a very deep sleep to get over it all. This holiday will likely have to be one of those “second Friday of the month” things to ensure you have time to tune your liver back up afterwards. That, and a weekend in jail also helps to reduce the tension created after filter-lowering.

Yeah, I am a genius sometimes.