Awesome Shit: Morning Naps

The context for this awesome cheer is a nice, quiet day off. No work, not much to do. It’s cold as balls outside, so there’s not much yardwork to be done in several inches of snow with hands in two layers of mittens. There is nothing on TV but bland recycled talk shows. The house is quiet. You’re up at your normal time, because hey – you’ve been doing that shit for years.

So after checking the news (which equals a lot of made-up drama), the weather (shitty, with a 40% chance of increased shittiness), and your favorite blog where some asshole rants about all things under the sun, you have some breakfast. Like a good American, there’s a nice hefty wad of starch and/or sugar in it, and it’s nice and warm. It’s in your belly, dissolving steadily, fucking with your blood sugar level.

That is when it’s time for a morning nap. Just because. And it’s awesome. Inevitably the TV remote is merely cradled in your limp hand, possibly resting on your stomach. Perhaps the laptop is askew in your lap, the mouse escaped off between the sofa cushions. The TV is now watching you. Coma – full-on coma.

The Morning Nap is not to be confused with the Hangover Repair Rest, or the Illness Defense Retreat. No, those activities are for actual repair of your assaulted lungs, sinuses, head, and liver. Your body forces a shut-down in order to put things right as wee little construction crews get jiggy with undoing the damages that either you or some foreign organism have wrought.

The Awoke To Pee But Couldn’t Sleep Again and the WTF Time Zone Is This? sleep are gray areas here. They’re necessary, and the unconscious time counts toward your total nighttime sleep totals. However, these incidents are equally refreshing and often feel like stolen “extra” sleep, so thus the gray region.

The Morning Nap, however, is always clearly unnecessary yet sinfully delightful. A Morning Nap is always relatively brief because you did just finish your normal four to eight hours. You don’t really need more. They make you feel like a useless Kardashian without a camera crew. No excesses are being overcome, and no viral infestations are being battled. You’ve already got up to your alarm (internal or real) and it… just… happens.

The best course of action is to not fight it. Don’t guilt trip yourself into groggy consciousness. Just close the eyes and let the coma take you. In half an hour, you’ll be busting with as much energy as a caffienated cheerleader at halftime.

In short, you’ll feel awesome.


32 Responses to “Awesome Shit: Morning Naps”

  1. Adn to think that some people insist on decaff!

  2. I like your descriptions and the names you give things.
    When I don’t have to rise, there is a great chance that I won’t do anything useful during the day. And that’s, as you say, awesome.

  3. Absolutely brilliant. The way you have captured this activity in words is spot on.

  4. Cold as balls would breally be hot and sweaty, no?

    And so much for eating breakfast now.

  5. You never cease to amaze (^.^) . Beautifully written. Warms my heart ,it does.

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I love me some sleep….

  7. I would nap every day if two smal people would cooperate. Every single day.

  8. A nap in the afternoon is a great thing, but often feels like a survival mechanism. A morning nap is just a reminder that life can be great.

    Also – I’m probably just being dim-witted, but I can’t find an email address to send you those questions. Let me know, or just shoot me an email to and I’ll reply.

  9. Or in my case, read the rant after the nap…
    Though really, all naps are spectacular.

  10. I hope you don’t take offense when I say I’m jealous right now, because I wish I could have a nap. Morning or otherwise.

  11. Since I’ve retired and generally crawl out of bed at the crack of noon, my “morning nap” is usually between 4 and 6 P.M.

    My brother watches TV at night, lying on the couch with the remote in his hand hanging over the edge. When it clatters to the floor, he gets up and goes to bed, sometimes as late as ten o’clock.

  12. itchemeyer Says:

    Is there a ‘love’ button to click somewhere?

  13. Naps are the best thing to do when there is no sex to be had…

  14. Sounds good to me!

  15. omg, The Nap! I refuse to admit to retirement habits such as those of Mr. Archon; however, I have been known to do a bit of “research” during late afternoon/early evening hours wherein I must be prone, my eyes closed. All in the interest of science, you understand….

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