The Left Coast Dissected

This post is a straight up ripoff of a great piece of writing by H.E. Ellis, who wrote New England Dissected and then had the stones to dare me to do the ripoff. Well, maybe just thought it was a good idea. Being from that side of the country, I figure I’m qualified to take up the attempt. So using the analogy of the family from that post, I’ll attempt to entertain you while explaining the wackier side of the nation.

So picture if you will, a routine family holiday gathering. Which one is really irrelevant, because the levels of dysfunction at these gatherings is always enough to completely ruin the event. On the end of the sofa is:

ARIZONA, the grandfather of the family. He’s so old that his military service was Sergeant of Arms at the Last Supper, and later in life he helped invent dirt. He’s cranky, irregular, pissed off, and he lets you know it without even asking. He owns a gun collection that would shame the Army and can use every one of them. He can’t stand his grandkids and tries to ignore them. At these gatherings, he generally tries to keep from using one of his guns on them. Sitting in the living room, he has the TV up loud, not because he’s deaf, but because he wants to block out the sound of said grandkids, who he doubts even have his DNA. Bringing him a glass of whiskey, neat, is…

NEVADA, his daughter. You’d never guess it because she looks older than her dad, sort of like she’s a tanning-bed junkie and made out of antique leather. She’s dressed like a hooker, but one from 1975. The neon eye shadow and lipstick don’t do anything to cover up the impression of a woman past her prime and clueless about it, and the leopard print spandex top merely proves it. Though she looks cheap, she’s got more money than Warren Buffet before taxes, though she won’t discuss how she got it. Rumors of an old flame with Italian roots from back east are whispered out of her hearing. In the kitchen, there’s an argument among her three kids…

WASHINGTON, the most well-adjusted, is arguing the benefits of leveraging developing technology for social benefit. He works in the tech field, and has socially-responsible opinions he’s more than willing to share with anyone who will listen. To prove it, he bought his wife a Prius the same color as his Hummer. He likes the same obscure hand-crafted microbrew that his boss drinks. He’s against drugs, at least in public, and is glad his habit is secret because the fatty he smoked before coming over is making it much easier to take his younger sister…

OREGON, who is gesturing wildly in her passionate exposition against using any kind of energy sources at all. She raves on about chaining herself to a tree to save the forests from destruction, and volunteered to clean birds after the BP spill. Her white-girl dreadlocks could use equal degreasing, along with the armpit and leg hair she sports proudly. As she states that humans should revert to natural existence, she sneers at her sister…

CALIFORNIA, who breezes in late as always dressed in something flashy, tight, and expensive. High as a kite, she merely smiles vapidly and fiddles with her hair. She has no idea what her siblings are arguing about nor does she care. Instead, she texts away and tweets a mile a minute, knowing how many people thrive on her every word. She’ll be famous someday, she knows, and has to maintain the lifestyle until that happens although she’s up to her fake tits in debt. As she checks her makeup in the reflection off her iDevice, she wonders if leaking the sex video of her with a semi-famous rapper will earn her a reality show and fame. God forbid she’d have to go and squeeze out eight babies for that.

Now I know you are sitting there saying, “But BrainRants, Nevada and Arizona aren’t on the coast, you bonehead.” This is true, but not only does the whole “Left Coast” effect infest the coastal states but it has significant effects on the included two interior ones as well. Besides, they’re only one epic earthquake away from being on the coast anyway.