The Left Coast Dissected

This post is a straight up ripoff of a great piece of writing by H.E. Ellis, who wrote New England Dissected and then had the stones to dare me to do the ripoff. Well, maybe just thought it was a good idea. Being from that side of the country, I figure I’m qualified to take up the attempt. So using the analogy of the family from that post, I’ll attempt to entertain you while explaining the wackier side of the nation.

So picture if you will, a routine family holiday gathering. Which one is really irrelevant, because the levels of dysfunction at these gatherings is always enough to completely ruin the event. On the end of the sofa is:

ARIZONA, the grandfather of the family. He’s so old that his military service was Sergeant of Arms at the Last Supper, and later in life he helped invent dirt. He’s cranky, irregular, pissed off, and he lets you know it without even asking. He owns a gun collection that would shame the Army and can use every one of them. He can’t stand his grandkids and tries to ignore them. At these gatherings, he generally tries to keep from using one of his guns on them. Sitting in the living room, he has the TV up loud, not because he’s deaf, but because he wants to block out the sound of said grandkids, who he doubts even have his DNA. Bringing him a glass of whiskey, neat, is…

NEVADA, his daughter. You’d never guess it because she looks older than her dad, sort of like she’s a tanning-bed junkie and made out of antique leather. She’s dressed like a hooker, but one from 1975. The neon eye shadow and lipstick don’t do anything to cover up the impression of a woman past her prime and clueless about it, and the leopard print spandex top merely proves it. Though she looks cheap, she’s got more money than Warren Buffet before taxes, though she won’t discuss how she got it. Rumors of an old flame with Italian roots from back east are whispered out of her hearing. In the kitchen, there’s an argument among her three kids…

WASHINGTON, the most well-adjusted, is arguing the benefits of leveraging developing technology for social benefit. He works in the tech field, and has socially-responsible opinions he’s more than willing to share with anyone who will listen. To prove it, he bought his wife a Prius the same color as his Hummer. He likes the same obscure hand-crafted microbrew that his boss drinks. He’s against drugs, at least in public, and is glad his habit is secret because the fatty he smoked before coming over is making it much easier to take his younger sister…

OREGON, who is gesturing wildly in her passionate exposition against using any kind of energy sources at all. She raves on about chaining herself to a tree to save the forests from destruction, and volunteered to clean birds after the BP spill. Her white-girl dreadlocks could use equal degreasing, along with the armpit and leg hair she sports proudly. As she states that humans should revert to natural existence, she sneers at her sister…

CALIFORNIA, who breezes in late as always dressed in something flashy, tight, and expensive. High as a kite, she merely smiles vapidly and fiddles with her hair. She has no idea what her siblings are arguing about nor does she care. Instead, she texts away and tweets a mile a minute, knowing how many people thrive on her every word. She’ll be famous someday, she knows, and has to maintain the lifestyle until that happens although she’s up to her fake tits in debt. As she checks her makeup in the reflection off her iDevice, she wonders if leaking the sex video of her with a semi-famous rapper will earn her a reality show and fame. God forbid she’d have to go and squeeze out eight babies for that.

Now I know you are sitting there saying, “But BrainRants, Nevada and Arizona aren’t on the coast, you bonehead.” This is true, but not only does the whole “Left Coast” effect infest the coastal states but it has significant effects on the included two interior ones as well. Besides, they’re only one epic earthquake away from being on the coast anyway.

81 Responses to “The Left Coast Dissected”

  1. I don’t get it….. but nutty as ever . XD

    • Well, I’m thinking you live outside the U.S. so that would likely prevent you from completely understanding this, much as I’d not quite get it if you did one on the Indian States.

  2. I am literally on the phone I as I type this, laughing my ass off with a friend who moved from Connecticut to Washington State. Well, I’m laughing, she’s swearing at me since I totally spaced on the whole time zone thing. I had no idea about Arizona but I got Nevada right away. Funny, funny stuff.

    Next, we’ve got to do a thing where we assign each state a signature beer. FYI, New Hampshire consumes more beer and ice cream than any other state in the nation. Not sure why or how I know that.


  4. John Erickson Says:

    Get me the name of Grandad’s favourite whiskey and directions to his house. I’m bringing him two crates worth, and enough spare cash to fill the magazines of each of those rifles at least 5 times. Then I’m taking him out to some deserted space. Don’t expect us back for at least three days, don’t come looking for us, and when we come back, HIDE until you’re sure we’ve cleared all the guns.

    • Only you, JE, only you. Why did I just *know* you’d identify with Arizona?

      • John Erickson Says:

        Hey, I might give California a good checking out, but I definitely wanna see what hardware Grandpa is packing. If he’s got a BAR, well, don’t plan on seeing us for at least a week! 😀

  5. ‘Provinces’ not ‘states’

    Now I’ve got a brain boner.

  6. @John Erickson

    My God I hope you’re talking about a gun.

    • John Erickson Says:

      Yes, a Browning Automatic Rifle – known as a BAR. I gave up alcohol decades ago. Besides, shooting things to pieces doesn’t give you a hangover! 😀

  7. Family gatherings are fertile ground for irony and general rants.

    Well done!

  8. Holy crap you capitalized “Force.” You are hopeless (if I were even the least little bit computer savvy I would insert an emoticon here, preferably one wearing an insipid happy face, in order to punctuate the fact that my last statement was intended as good-natured ribbing. But since I’m not savvy you get bupkiss. That’s another new word I learned on your blog. It means, “nothing.” I think).

    • John Erickson Says:

      Holy Cleveland, you find this stuff EDUCATIONAL? 😯
      I think that is definitely a first! This stuff may be a lotta things, but whodda thunk ya could LEARN stuff here? 😀
      (Psst. H.E.Ellis- a colon gives you eyes, a semi-colon gives you the wink, then add either the right parenthesis for a smile or a capital D for the big grin. After that, I’m stymied.)

    • It does. In Yiddish.

      • Oh my God what DON’T you know? (Besides my real name hahaha).

      • John Erickson Says:

        Betcha he doesn’t know how to bury a body so the sniffer dogs don’t find it. Or how to sabotage somebody’s brakes or tires and make it look accidental. Or how to start a fire without leaving forensic traces, making it look accidental.
        What? Just’ cause I used to watch the original CSI don’t mean nothin’!

      • John Erickson Says:

        I’ll give you a point for the brakes – though it’s on the hose, the rubber part, to make it look like wear. Dogs will smell bleach – layers of coffee grounds and absorbent cat litter does the trick on bodies. A magnifying glass takes a lot of time and sun – try cigarettes (if the target smokes) or alcohol (if they drink). You can also use hydrogen peroxide on rust – like a bottle tipping over under the bathroom sink. Drano on hair makes a good heat source, but you need something else to burn – like disinfectant wipes or cheap toilet paper. A lot depends on the target. 😉
        My, what lovely Sunday conversation we have here! 😀

      • John Erickson Says:

        It’s the result of being naturally curious. Like knowing how to make your own light bulbs out of glass jars. (Hint: burn up the oxygen before you put the element in.) Or which nails work best to defeat tires. (Roofing nails.) Or how to make a proper Molotov cocktail. (Forgotten ingredient – a piece of tire.) Or that bandsaw or bowsaw blades, cut down and ground, make the best knives. Or that coarse-grained sawdust (like from a chainsaw) and fireplace ash mixed into clay mud, will produce a self-bonding water-resistant materiel.
        Really got you wondering now, don’t I? 😉
        Oh, and sorry, but I gotta go Tango Uniform for a bit. My brain is getting too big for my skull again. 😦 I’ll be 10-10 on the side, catch ya on the flip. 🙂

      • John Erickson Says:

        Car leaf springs make great hacking tools, but a nice thin knife (like a fileting knife) comes from saw blades, with their flexibility. A piece of rubber in the cocktail makes the mix thicker, and holds better on vertical or inclined surfaces, to keep the heat on target. Also slows the burn-off a bit, to cause more damage.
        And one more freebie for ya – a plastic soda bottle (16oz to one liter) makes a great one-use silencer, and can be used for multiple shots as a noise suppressor. Two-liter bottles are too clumsy, though they do work.

  9. I’ll bet you fifty bucks I know.

  10. As my fellow Bahamians would say *dead*.

    I love clever humor. Great post.

  11. Thanks to you two boys I’ve gotten absolutely nothing accomplished today because I can’t stop checking this blog! That’s it! I’m shutting my computer off and I’m going outside to play.

  12. Nope. Dodge. Caught an elbow.

  13. My god. John, you hopeless nutcase. Ranter, you sick twisted genius. H.E. Ellis, you…um…New Englander?

  14. Having lived in Oregon all I can say is, “Well done, dude!’

  15. I grew up in Nevada, and I suppose I turned out all right. That was before the Great Recession and the Invasion of the California Property Value Snatchers, however.

  16. Hysterical! Being stuck in SoCal (love my job, hate the location) and being from Arizona, I got a kick out of this. 😀

  17. […] England Dissected” where she equated New England’s states to family members. This inspired Brainrants to continue this metaphor with his post “The Left Coast Dissected.” If you’re not reading […]

  18. […] Midwest Dissected I put out a post called The Left Coast Dissected, in response to H.E. Ellis’ New England Dissected. Between us, these are some of our most […]

  19. I’d say you nailed it! I’m in California, however, NORTHERN California and there is a huge difference. Less Vapid So-Cal, but more Oregon white dreds for sure…

    Nevada & Arizona- perfection!

    Ta-Ta- I’m off to check my windmill power supply in my Prius, NF Soy Latte in hand. Kiss kiss…

  20. […] on her stomping grounds of New England. Then the smart and prolific BrainRants blanketed both the West Coast and Midwest with pithy observations. (I said prolific, didn’t I?) The lovely sandylikeabeach […]

  21. […] is “Boots,” (15 Jun 11), a sad eulogy for an old pair of combat boots. Then there’s “The Left Coast Dissected” (25 Sep 11), a cutting look at the area I grew up in, notably California. “Here We Go Again” […]

  22. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    You really are GREAT, Rants.

  23. Love this post. I agree – it’s FP material! Would love a Part Two that takes a look at specific cities on the west coast… or even the east coast. Would love your rendition of DC, Conneticut and Maryland all sitting at the table…

  24. Fucking hilarious!
    Not sure why I don’t already know you but you’re stuck with me now.

  25. Yep, you’ve nailed both Washington and Oregon. So to speak. I may have to borrow this idea myself, but maybe turn it into a great big family reunion with all 50 states present.

    Then again, that sounds like an awful lot of work…

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