The Midwest Dissected
I put out a post called The Left Coast Dissected, in response to H.E. Ellis’ New England Dissected. Between us, these are some of our most popular posts. SandyLikeABeach added her take on Florida in Dissecting a Crazy Aunt. After culling through my published stuff here, I said to myself, “Well, why not?” and decided to take a swing at the Midwest. Once again I’ll be doing a straight rip-off of someone else’s great idea, and this time include myself.
The setting for this dissection is a small barbershop. Inside the shop…
IOWA sits as he gets his hair cut, the usual close on the sides with barely comb-able up top. He wears clean denims, a linen shirt, and scuffed but sturdy workboots. After he’s done, he’ll head back to the farm in his pickup that sports farm plates at a conservative 5mph under the posted limit. As the recipent of the haircut, he doesn’t say much to prevent head movement. Actually he doesn’t say a lot at all, and the other folks seem to take his lead on political issues. Waiting for a cut are…
NEBRASKA and KANSAS, who are engaged in a debate. Both are wearing clean denims, a linen shirt, and scuffed but sturdy workboots. Neither appears to need a haircut, which both wear exactly like Iowa. In fact, these two have farm trucks only a model year different than Iowa as well. Kansas used to be a fairly well-known hothead, politically, but has long since settled down. Nebraska just enjoys debating him for the reaction. Both pause to wave silently as…
NORTH DAKOTA and SOUTH DAKOTA walk by the barbershop wearing clean denims, linen shirts and sturdy workboots on their way to their farm trucks. They’re well-known twins who split their father’s land evenly years ago. They grow corn, and both have matching John Deere baseball caps that hide the same haircut as Iowa’s that they got yesterday. Just as they pass the window…
MINNESOTA walks in, hangs his baseball cap on the hat rack, and sits down to listen to Kansas and Nebraska. Again, clothes, hat and vehicle are similar. Iowa, his cut done, gets up, dusts himself off, and merely nods on the way out, setting his cap on his head. As Kansas settles in the chair, Nebraska brings up the heated topic of debate this morning at the barber shop, which is centered on…
ILLINOIS, the local fat cat. Rumor has it he has lots of connections in Washington, and as the town councilman, is currently deflecting questions about road repair public funds. Secretly, Illinois wishes he’d not sold his truck for a Caddy with vanity plates. The sticking point here is the fact that he’s switched to growing soybeans, and more rumor has it that he’s getting subsidies to do it. Everyone knows he doesn’t work his own land anymore, and the rest of the shopful merely wait to see if he will split out his land when he gets bored with farming. Or indicted. Whichever comes first.
As the afternoon passes, hair hits the floor as the clippers buzz and the scissors snik snik through the hair barely needing a cut. Overall, MISSOURI has done well with the in-town life, but still lives on his farm.
——-
Overall, this was probably pretty boring, but then again, it’s pretty true. Welcome to my current world.
BrainRants 
October 21, 2011 at 05:44
Kansas is the 60+ year old farmer who has the most infuriating driving habits. He drives 45 mph, no matter what.
2 feet of snow? 45 mph when he should be going 25, but he has dual wheels on back and 4 wheel drive.
Dusty countries roads? 45, but that’s about right. After all, there about 8 or 10 roads in the whole state that aren’t completely straight.
Highways? Kansas farmer comes to a highway doing 45, pulls out in front of you, still at 45 while you’re doing 70, then, after slowing you to a crawl, he pulls off a mile up at the next farmhouse.
In town?…45mph. This guy ain’t downshifting for nobody….ever.
October 21, 2011 at 06:59
Gotta love farm trucks, right?
October 21, 2011 at 08:05
Minnesota would actually walk in wearing a stained T-shirt and holey jeans spouting about how he didn’t get paid from a concrete job he just finished. Everyone thinks they know how to lay concrete here. You got the baseball cap right.
October 21, 2011 at 16:58
Concrete, huh? Funny, I know how to do that too, but I’ve never been in MN.
October 22, 2011 at 10:06
You don’t understand. Most MN guys are too lazy to work all 12 months of the year, so they say they can lay concrete so they don’t have to. I know how to do it too, but I refuse to be one of them….
October 22, 2011 at 10:16
Laying concrete is a challenge in your winters… I think I get it now.
October 21, 2011 at 08:07
My apologies…my awareness of the U.S. midwest is very lacking…I enjoyed the post just the same…
October 21, 2011 at 16:59
No problem, probably a lot like the CAN Midwest too.
October 21, 2011 at 08:28
I loved it and it wasn’t boring at all. As much as I’ve moved around I’ve only ever lived in a coastal state, usually on the Atlantic (I did live in San Diego for a couple of years). I had no idea what Midwestern states were like. So far Illinois is my favorite.
The only thing I’d like you to explain is why the most messed up stuff happens in Kansas. I thought Florida was bad, but Kansas totally trumps Florida in the crazy homicide category.
October 21, 2011 at 10:29
Well, I’m here, so there’s at least one good thing. I have to admit, I’m about it.
October 21, 2011 at 17:05
About all I know of that is awesome with regard to Minnesota! You rock, ‘Bumps.
October 22, 2011 at 10:07
Thanks, dude! You’re pretty cool too, for an old (er) army guy… 😉
October 21, 2011 at 17:00
Hey, I dig Kansas. And I also rate Illinois as the most corrupt state of all 50… except for perhaps Connecticut, which is run by the mob.
October 21, 2011 at 17:14
That is so close to being true it’s not funny. I should know since I was born there and am Italian. Just about everyone from CT is, as a matter of fact.
October 21, 2011 at 17:27
Illinois is NOT corrupt. We may be ALLEGEDLY corrupt, but we’re not copping to it until you prove it in court.
October 21, 2011 at 18:09
What the fuck do you mean by ‘we’? I thought you lived in Ohio with the nutbag rare animal suicide folks.
October 21, 2011 at 18:42
I LIVE in nutjob Ohio. I AM from Illinois, and will always BE from Illinois, even if circumstances force my address to be somewhere other than Illinois.
I am NOT an Ohioan. Just as The Idiot – he’s the one who dubbed me “No-Hio”.
October 21, 2011 at 18:45
I hear you. I lived from 5 to 15 in south Florida, but I’ll always be a New Englander. Florida’s a third world country as far as I’m concerned. Well, the parts I lived in anyway.
October 21, 2011 at 19:03
Most of Ohio aspires to be Third World. Including Cleveland, which bears more than one resemblance to Mogadishu…..
October 21, 2011 at 19:25
Agree. Scary. Period.
October 21, 2011 at 19:24
Sensitive on this, I see.
October 21, 2011 at 19:30
Now why would I appear sensitive? Just because my wife and I tripled the state’s aggregate IQ when we moved in. AND only lowered Illinois’ by a point or two…..
October 21, 2011 at 19:44
Interesting math.
October 21, 2011 at 18:08
I think RI is the same. You tell me, pissah.
October 21, 2011 at 18:12
We don’t admit to Rhode Island.
October 21, 2011 at 18:43
*snortlaugh*
October 21, 2011 at 08:42
Missouri is the moron who votes a dead man into office and gets paralyzed and panicky in rush hour traffic because it rained the night before. And if there’s even a whisper of snow, forget it altogether. Missouri is hunkering down in their basement with their supply of eggs, bread, and milk.
October 21, 2011 at 17:01
Yeah, MO is in the “is weather bad, or not?” range. They get wobbly in NOV.
October 21, 2011 at 11:14
Your site is always educational! (Weren’t expecting that, huh?)
October 21, 2011 at 17:06
I appreciate that, MasterChef (oblique allusion to a video game there, dude). I did try to inject some factual basis but I see the comments are far more elightening.
October 21, 2011 at 11:32
This makes me HAPPY to be in the Sunshine State . . . wearing flip flops (and no longer wrestling with misbehaving socks). 😀
October 21, 2011 at 17:07
Well, you can have and keep Florida. That is like four or five different states rolled into one.
October 21, 2011 at 12:47
Lotta Corn and Soybeans here
Signed,
Bahamian woman stuck in the Midwest
October 21, 2011 at 17:08
Yes, you’re right. None of the crops you grew up with. Indiana is an odd place. Almost included it, but decided not to because it’s pretty much in the Twilight Zone.
October 21, 2011 at 13:58
I only have one small complaint about your write-up on (SURPRISE!) Illinois. Illinois doesn’t worry about being indicted. Illinois welcomes it as a badge of honour. Of course, Illinois will longly and loudly protest his innocence, and when finally dragged into court, will have a greasy-smooth lawyer who will talk quietly with the judge in his chambers and come out with the first-degree murder charge changed to jaywalking and failure to control a dropped weapon. Illinois will then pay the fine, have his sentence commuted to parole, and will stroll off to chat with his “casual chum” Washington DC. Meanwhile, his twin-brother Downstate will spend time hanging around with Iowa, claiming no relation to Illinois and stating he’s Iowa’s “cousin from across the river”. 😀
October 21, 2011 at 16:16
john erickson is quite funny. continue…
October 21, 2011 at 16:24
Why, thank you, Barking. And on behalf of our host, welcome to the looney bin! 😀
October 21, 2011 at 16:53
i thank you alphonse, no you gaston, no y– ahhh…continue…
October 21, 2011 at 17:11
Funny as in, ‘ha ha,’ or funny as in, ‘call the police’ ?
October 21, 2011 at 17:26
Funny as in “He lent Michele Bachmann the straitjacket she wore during the most recent debate” funny…..
October 21, 2011 at 17:09
Put this on your calendars: I admit JE’s correct.
October 21, 2011 at 15:58
I thought your post was funny. Thank you for the good laugh. Nothing really happens in the Midwest. Driving a farm truck at 5mph… I’ll pass. Illinois sounds like my uncle.
October 21, 2011 at 17:10
Illinois is fucked. Will never live there.
October 21, 2011 at 16:13
this is kinda sorta way brilliant dude. continue…
October 21, 2011 at 17:11
I think ‘brilliant’ is over the top, but thanks!
October 21, 2011 at 16:17
i’m signing up.
October 21, 2011 at 17:09
egads, now i’m seeing emails of everyone’s comments. i gotta correct. continue
October 21, 2011 at 18:06
it’s called ‘follow’… continuing…
October 21, 2011 at 17:13
ok, i cancelled. now where do i re-sub?
October 21, 2011 at 18:07
Tony, you subscribe to the blog and get an email when I post an new blog post. When you click to comment, you can elect to get a note with each subsequent reply, which I think is what you did. You can undo that but keep subscribed to my blog.
Of note, you have no ‘subscribe’ button on YOUR site, my friend. Hint.
October 21, 2011 at 19:12
I think Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana are in the Midwest too. I’m in Ohio, and as for all you bastards who made disparaging comments about my state, that’s just not… inaccurate.
October 21, 2011 at 19:17
There are fine, wonderful people in Ohio. There are a few wonderful cities, including Dayton (home of the USAF Museum) and Canton (which contains the MAPS Air Museum).
The pain is all of the real estate in between. Which includes towns like Coshocton.
And Edward, if you’re from Coshocton, I’m sorry. I am so, SO sorry.
October 21, 2011 at 19:31
You forgot the Football Hall of Fame. Seriously?? WTF? Canton?? You know…
October 21, 2011 at 19:41
Sports is a crutch for people who can’t handle classic warbirds. :p
And Columbus has some neat used book stores, otherwise, it’s the butthole that pooped out OSU (or vice versa).
(You think I get testy about being called an Ohioan? You do NOT want to see my commentary about OSU sports.)
October 21, 2011 at 19:53
Not going except to say, “Go Trojans!”
October 21, 2011 at 19:29
Well, the term ‘Midwest’ is arguably huge. I challenge you to come up with one for the Eastern Midwest.
October 21, 2011 at 19:37
You mean like for Indiana (need the wife for that – all I did was drive through), Ohio (Oh brother!) and Michigan? That’s a tough order – like I said, I need the wife for IN, you KNOW how I feel about OH, and I really don’t know enough about MI between the cities. I mean, Ann Arbor is the hippie smoking pot and reading Plato, Detroit is the tough guy trying to pick fights with NJ with a “Hungry? Eat your Toyota” on the back of his 70s Trans-Am, Lansing is the Push-Me-Pull-you from “Doctor Doolittle” (all heads and never getting anywhere), and Michigan City is your old aunt with the old house that is packed FULL of crap (for their outlet malls). I guess Traverse City would be the guy driving a Porsche 924 and claiming it was “just as good as any other Porsche” (that’s for you, HE), and from the little I saw of it, Kalamazoo is the guy who’s all over the map with his interests, but ADORES the model airplane he built when he was a kid (The Kalamazoo Air Zoo).
How’s that work for ya? 😀
October 21, 2011 at 19:40
I’m pickin’ up the fiscally inflated Volkswagen reference you’re puttin’ down there, John E. 🙂
October 21, 2011 at 19:48
‘Twas all for you, m’lady, all for you. 😀
October 21, 2011 at 19:45
Sounds great. Put it in a blog of your own creation.
October 21, 2011 at 19:50
Stay tuned….
October 22, 2011 at 08:00
I said not inaccurate. People here can’t drive, especially if there’s a drop of water or an ice cube on the road. And our sports! Cavs? Bengals? Browns? Friggin’ Blue Jackets? Hooo…..ray? Some of the sights and places are incredible. Some of the people? Incredible in the other direction of incredible.
October 22, 2011 at 16:16
Well, like I said, there are some really nice people here. Then there’s the type like a former neighbor, a convicted child sex offender who moved into town and suddenly houses were broken into. (No worries, I got him exiled to a trailer on an Amish farm.) And there’s only one thing worse than the idiots who freak at a drop of water on the roads – the hotrods in the broke-down pickups who think passing an Amish buggy on a blind curve is fun!
Oh, and I’m a lifelong Northsider from Chicago, so Ohio’s teams have a LONG way to go to catch up to the Cubs! 😀
And now for the REAL test, Edward – What’s your outlook on OSU sports? 😉
October 22, 2011 at 01:26
Shit happens in and to Kansas. Tornados as entertainment is interesting enough. Scientific research shows that more recorded meteors strike in the state of Kansas than in any other state in the Union, regardless of size.
Joseph Millard updated The War of The Worlds in 1964 with a book titled The Gods Hate Kansas, with meteorite deposited aliens mentally taking over humans to help a disabled spaceship on the darkside of the moon. (But with no help from Pink Floyd)
October 22, 2011 at 05:00
That’s why there’s not a lot of trailer parks in this state.
November 4, 2011 at 19:46
[…] grounds of New England. Then the smart and prolific BrainRants blanketed both the West Coast and Midwest with pithy observations. (I said prolific, didn’t I?) The lovely sandylikeabeach quickly followed […]