Password Protection
I’m getting pretty chapped about the endless list of passwords I need and the Byzantine procedures required to log into most web sites today. Admittedly, the root cause of this rash is the fact that hackers can’t seem to let well enough alone and make life hell for the rest of us, sort of like the one fuckwit who insists on applying makeup while on the phone and eating breakfast at 80mph on the freeway. Unfortunately (for many reasons) the two things I know about hacking are A) Jack, and B) Shit. So you’ll have to settle for this.
I am all for keeping my shit secure, notably where my porn money is concerned. As such, this might sound a lot like complaining for complaining’s own sake. I’d have to completely agree on that. But I do also find it odd that I have to have a 256-bit password, unique ID, and an additional PIN (which all of the supercomputers in the world, networked together, would require longer than the universe is old to crack) just to check my balance when the same fucking bank routinely goes and “accidentally” loses millions of customer records that later turn up on WikiLeaks. At least it makes it easier to recover that login information I can’t hope to remember, I guess. Even better is when that bank outright sells your information to other marketers to “enhance my browsing and shopping experience.” Fuck you very much, BofA.
All of this to me is beyond sandpaper on my balls, but the roughest grains stuck to that sheet are found during the actual login creation process. The worst sites of all are military ones that you are required not only to have this stuff, but quadruple-verify yourself on and change your information four times a year. A brief example:
- WEBSITE: Enter a login ID:
- ME: BrainRants
- SITE: Enter a password:
- ME: fucktard
- SITE: ERROR: Password must contain two each uppercase, lowercase, special characters, and numbers. Enter a password:
- ME: [“Sigh“] !FuckTard!
- SITE: ERROR: Password must contain at least 25 characters. Enter a password:
- ME: [“Fuck!“] !MongolianClusterfuck42!
- SITE: ERROR: Password must contain at least 25 characters. Enter a password:
- ME: !RumpleMotherfuckingStiltskin42!
- SITE: ERROR: Common words and profanity prohibited. Enter a password:
- ME: [“How in the fuck am I supposed to remember it then!?“]
- OFFICE: [Stares at Rants over cubicle walls]
- SITE: [cursor blinks steadily]
- ME: !skcieungDfamuezQ%vmiuraaj492eyndjf6!
- SITE: Password accepted. Do not write this password down in order to keep it secure.
The flat area on my forehead is caused by me pounding my head downward against the surface of my desk.
BrainRants 
November 10, 2011 at 05:43
Hilarious! My day just got a whole lot better.. I know exactly what you’re talking about as far as the military sites go. All of our paper training records have been transferred online to which you need a ridiculous password that you menioned above to acces them. However, these passwords expire every 6 months, which means you now have to change it all again!! WTF! I’m glad you ranted about this. Haha
November 10, 2011 at 06:22
I feel much better now too.
November 10, 2011 at 07:07
I totally relate. !totally!ReLaTe! !itotallyfuckingrelate! JesusfuckingHchristseriously?666!
November 10, 2011 at 09:10
*scribbles down new options* Thanks, Savor.
November 10, 2011 at 07:56
*in awe* How did you know my password?
November 10, 2011 at 09:10
I’m a mentalist. Emphasis on the ‘mental’.
November 10, 2011 at 10:18
I believe you meant “mental case”.
November 10, 2011 at 10:21
‘Mental’ for short.
November 10, 2011 at 08:23
Great post! After I bitched and moaned long enough, one of the IT guys at my office recommended a program called RoboForm that I’ve installed on a password-protected 64GB thumb drive. Now all I have to remember is the password for the thumb drive. I back it up to an external hard drive once a month or I’d be screwed. I feel your pain!
November 10, 2011 at 09:11
The Army would never go for that. Too easy.
November 10, 2011 at 08:45
At first I thought this was going to be a rant about Allen Ludden.
November 10, 2011 at 09:11
Psych!!!
November 10, 2011 at 08:56
LOL! That sounds like the time when I was in a research lab over the summer. It is SO damn annoying verifying oneself and changing passwords. My head felt like it got bashed into the wall 2-3 times.
November 10, 2011 at 09:12
What were you a test subject for?
November 10, 2011 at 09:16
Har Har Har… very funny BrainRants. Your reply did make me 🙂
So thank you because I did need a laugh and a smile this morning.
November 10, 2011 at 09:27
No problem.
November 10, 2011 at 09:05
What makes it hard on me is the ones that only last a few months and then demand to be changed – and not to something that you used to have. Keeps me on my toes for websites that I access like 5 times a year to try to remember which password goes where.
November 10, 2011 at 09:12
And don’t write them down, either!
November 10, 2011 at 09:15
At work I use a lovely little program called PasswordSafe… There is also an app for the iPhone (maybe Droid, too) called DataInherit(the name for this just recently changed… I believe it is now SecureSafe, but I can’t be assed to look), that I use for a personal password safe.
The password to get into my desktop at work is ridiculous. Our old IT gal is nuts. Must be at least 10 characters, contain upper & lower case letters, at least one number and one symbol. Passwords expire every 30 days and you can’t use the same password if you’ve used it in the last 28 times. Yes, twenty-fucking-eight. !Dot11Dot@
November 10, 2011 at 09:29
One word: asspain.
November 11, 2011 at 01:31
You win Lexi … and here I was about to whine because we have to change our 8 character password every 60 days and can’t use any of the prior 13 passwords. Mea Culpa
November 10, 2011 at 09:45
i understand and can appreciate your frustration here. There is a relatively simply solution for this crap; it’s called RoboForm. Best damn thing I’ve run across. Check it out.
http://www.roboform.com/
November 10, 2011 at 10:05
Wow, that’s #2 or 3 for RoboForm. Might have to drop a copy in the Army suggestion box.
November 10, 2011 at 10:35
Oh, I needed that laugh!! I’ve had a bad computer week. Passwords, networks, servers…aaargh!
November 10, 2011 at 11:11
Sucks, doesn’t it?
November 10, 2011 at 10:48
If anyone will hack you now, it must be karma for hurting the desk.
November 10, 2011 at 11:11
I see you correctly intuited which heavy object was damaged.
November 10, 2011 at 11:14
Intuition is nothing without reading:”The flat area on my forehead is caused by me pounding my head downward against the surface of my desk.” 🙂
November 10, 2011 at 11:48
*doh*
November 10, 2011 at 11:28
Ha, ha. Or %$(&^#$&#%#))0463293(%^@.
November 10, 2011 at 11:48
Password not “strong” enough…
November 10, 2011 at 12:05
Thanks for all of the new password ideas.
November 10, 2011 at 13:14
Anytime!
November 10, 2011 at 12:05
Hahahaha! I have a spreadsheet that almost leaks onto the next page of all my passwords. It’s right here on my desk if you need to take a look at it.
November 10, 2011 at 13:18
Now we all know!
November 10, 2011 at 13:25
None of this shit affects me. I quit my job. Ten years ago. Let them asturds try to find me now! I may be poor, but I have a beautiful, well formed forehead.
November 10, 2011 at 15:49
Lucky you with your forehead.
November 10, 2011 at 14:55
I can relate so much to this! Making an account on a website nowadays has become a days work.
November 10, 2011 at 15:51
Some have taken me two hours, literally.
November 10, 2011 at 15:43
I just wrote down a set of reminders, each reminder good for 3 or 4 passwords. Of course, it was easy for me, since the passwords were ship names for the starships I’ve created. Or people’s names. Gobbledegook to the rest of the world!
(Wow. “Gobbledegook” didn’t trip any spell check. Weird! 😀 )
November 10, 2011 at 15:52
Starships… you… have… created…
November 10, 2011 at 16:05
I’ve created some starships too.
November 10, 2011 at 16:14
Yes, the Innerthighs.
November 10, 2011 at 16:17
Hey, that’s over a dozen named ships for the “good guys” side, plus world names, people’s names, …. an absolute cornucopia of potential passwords.
What, you though I only designed armed cars? Dude – I’ve designed WW1 and WW2 battleships, every sort of ground vehicle with weapons and armour, I’ve even designed a couple of pistols! Though the starships, especially my original “Zenaru”, are nearest and dearest to my heart. (Don’t worry, I don’t use “Zenaru” as a password, since it now populates websites and Email names.)
November 10, 2011 at 16:20
I use words that are only in my head.
November 10, 2011 at 16:47
I had to randomise the order, and make sure I didn’t use the same name in a 6-month period (for our mainframe security), so I needed a reminder. Besides, only one or two other people on this entire PLANET know the name of “Bud Malone’s command ship”. 😀
November 10, 2011 at 21:26
Jesus.
November 11, 2011 at 14:44
No, John. Jesus is the gardener. Jesus Martinez, or somesuch….
November 11, 2011 at 09:23
No, but Zenaru is in your email address, John. and I THOUGHT you weren’t a nerd?!? shame on me!
November 11, 2011 at 09:33
Oh, John is fully nerded up.
November 11, 2011 at 15:19
You thought I WASN’T a nerd? DUDE! I have EVERY person’s autograph (and pictures with them) from the original Star Trek, I have a picture of me and my robot K-9 with Tom Baker, the fourth Doctor Who, and I have every episode of the Star Trek animated series on VIDEO TAPE!! (I won’t even get into the lunches with Walter Koenig and George Takei, or the days spent entertaining various British TV celebs!)
November 11, 2011 at 18:56
*jaw on floor*
I have ALL Star Trek on digits, not videotape. If that counts.
November 11, 2011 at 19:05
Well, in addition, I have all the original Star Trek series on tape, copies on DVD of Star Wars 4-6 (with OUT any add-on effects, thank you VERY much!), most of the original Doctors 2-5 on tape, plus Babylon 5 on homemade DVD. I think I even have some Blakes 7 on DVD. And that doesn’t count the classic stuff like “When Worlds Collide” and the 1953 “War Of The Worlds”. I even have the basics of the now-defunct RPG “Traveler” – D&D for outer space, as well as the board game version of “Starship Troopers” – featuring powered armour as Heinlein INTENDED, not like the first two cheesy eponymous movies.
And you really MUST check out http://www.orionsarm.com. VERY “hard” (tech-heavy) sci-fi universe. The full history of the universe going back from 10,000 years after the landings on the moon. (Yes, you read that right.)
So, did THAT peg the geek needle?
November 11, 2011 at 19:29
Holy shit. I wish I had time to surf this stuff.
November 12, 2011 at 11:08
This must be why the aliens haven’t invaded yet. Your nerdiness repels them.
November 10, 2011 at 15:57
Ju-Jube (aka the Biebster) was a black op, sprung fully formed on an unsuspecting, and unwilling, public. If I’d had intelligence about what was coming, I could have, and would have, smothered him in his crib. Arrogant little ass-wipe is so full of himself, and other substances, that he told one interviewer that he was the only important thing that ever came out of Stratford, Ontario. Apparently he was so busy massaging his ego that he missed the high-scoring NHL player from the 50s and 60s, a long-serving Canadian Senator, government, not sports, a CTV news anchor for 30 years, and a beautiful singer named Loreena McKennit.
Note to self re: passwords
Perhaps setting up my own blog is not as good an idea as it once seemed.
November 10, 2011 at 16:02
So you’re saying you’re in a position to ‘fix’ this problem?
November 10, 2011 at 16:08
The length and complexity of the password the site required is almost always inversely proportionate to the security needed, the number of people who would be interested in the information, and the number of times you will ever use that site.
At least WordPress recognizes passwords and replaces them with asterisks in case you accidentally post one. Watch, I’ll demonstrate: *********. See?
November 10, 2011 at 16:15
Now I get it. Thanks.
November 10, 2011 at 16:13
Not any more. The ball’s in your court now. Got a .308 with a good scope? Wait till he’s in Vegas and do a twofer with Celine Dion. Not a court in the world would convict you. Thanks for taking her off our hands too. When she went south, the average sanity level in Canada rose significantly.
November 10, 2011 at 16:18
Roger that.
November 10, 2011 at 16:38
All my passwords are Canadianized…meaning, they’re kinda polite, nice and over-apologetic. For example:sorryaboutnothavingmorethan2shipsinournavytoassistindefendingourassesbutwekindofrelyonyouguystobethebulliesandwelikeitthatway435&^^andwetakebackthatbiebsthing*&&^*heresabeeror24eh?
November 10, 2011 at 16:42
um…it cut off my password! *sigh* I can see I have been monitored and my password denied. I’ll change it to this:fuckwit45ishavingbeerandwatchingthehockeygame.
November 10, 2011 at 21:08
Girl: hockey sucks and you’re not a fuckwit. I think I ought to blogroll you if I haven’t already.
November 10, 2011 at 16:49
“What do you call two Newfies (the dogs) in a rowboat? The Canadian Navy.”
“Why aren’t there more World War 2 vehicles in Canadian military museums? Because they’re still being used.”
Those are jokes FROM Canadians, so I can pass them on, especially since both came from the RHLI vet that “adopted” me into the unit. 🙂
November 10, 2011 at 21:27
C’mon, they pull great maintenance on those.
November 11, 2011 at 14:43
The vehicles, or the Newfies? (I think it would be easier to maintain a 1940s vintage truck. They don’t shed and drool – TOO much! 😀 )
November 10, 2011 at 21:06
I about pissed myself with this. You totally rock and in my mind you are not a Canadian. Sorry. You rock.
November 10, 2011 at 16:56
HUAHUAHUAHUAHUAHUA = my next password
November 10, 2011 at 21:28
Roger that… or Hoooooooooooooooooooooah@@!
November 11, 2011 at 06:46
Mongolianclusterfuck42: the new answer to life.
November 11, 2011 at 09:30
More of an approach to it, I think.
November 11, 2011 at 09:25
my passwords: usually whatever I feel like using at the moment. Some great OLD passwords I NO LONGER use…spankymywooduntilitbleeds
thecoronationofkingmotherfucker
aslancansuckit
goforthandbringmelootfromatlantisoruranus
saucermenspankheavilyatnight
November 11, 2011 at 09:32
*laughing*
November 12, 2011 at 11:11
*snorting orange juice out ears*
November 11, 2011 at 15:05
I read this at work…bad idea. I burst out in giggles..and can’t seem to stop.
November 11, 2011 at 19:01
Giggles are awesome.