Password Protection

I’m getting pretty chapped about the endless list of passwords I need and the Byzantine procedures required to log into most web sites today. Admittedly, the root cause of this rash is the fact that hackers can’t seem to let well enough alone and make life hell for the rest of us, sort of like the one fuckwit who insists on applying makeup while on the phone and eating breakfast at 80mph on the freeway. Unfortunately (for many reasons) the two things I know about hacking are A) Jack, and B) Shit. So you’ll have to settle for this.

I am all for keeping my shit secure, notably where my porn money is concerned. As such, this might sound a lot like complaining for complaining’s own sake. I’d have to completely agree on that. But I do also find it odd that I have to have a 256-bit password, unique ID, and an additional PIN (which all of the supercomputers in the world, networked together, would require longer than the universe is old to crack) just to check my balance when the same fucking bank routinely goes and “accidentally” loses millions of customer records that later turn up on WikiLeaks. At least it makes it easier to recover that login information I can’t hope to remember, I guess. Even better is when that bank outright sells your information to other marketers to “enhance my browsing  and shopping experience.” Fuck you very much, BofA.

All of this to me is beyond sandpaper on my balls, but the roughest grains stuck to that sheet are found during the actual login creation process. The worst sites of all are military ones that you are required not only to have this stuff, but quadruple-verify yourself on and change your information four times a year. A brief example:

  • WEBSITE: Enter a login ID:
  • ME: BrainRants
  • SITE: Enter a password:
  • ME: fucktard
  • SITE: ERROR: Password must contain two each uppercase, lowercase, special characters, and numbers. Enter a password:
  • ME: [“Sigh“] !FuckTard!
  • SITE: ERROR: Password must contain at least 25 characters. Enter a password:
  • ME: [“Fuck!“] !MongolianClusterfuck42!
  • SITE: ERROR: Password must contain at least 25 characters. Enter a password:
  • ME: !RumpleMotherfuckingStiltskin42!
  • SITE: ERROR: Common words and profanity prohibited. Enter a password:
  • ME: [“How in the fuck am I supposed to remember it then!?“]
  • OFFICE: [Stares at Rants over cubicle walls]
  • SITE: [cursor blinks steadily]
  • ME: !skcieungDfamuezQ%vmiuraaj492eyndjf6!
  • SITE: Password accepted. Do not write this password down in order to keep it secure.

The flat area on my forehead is caused by me pounding my head downward against the surface of my desk.


77 Responses to “Password Protection”

  1. Hilarious! My day just got a whole lot better.. I know exactly what you’re talking about as far as the military sites go. All of our paper training records have been transferred online to which you need a ridiculous password that you menioned above to acces them. However, these passwords expire every 6 months, which means you now have to change it all again!! WTF! I’m glad you ranted about this. Haha

  2. Savor the folly Says:

    I totally relate. !totally!ReLaTe! !itotallyfuckingrelate! JesusfuckingHchristseriously?666!

  3. *in awe* How did you know my password?

  4. Says:

    Great post! After I bitched and moaned long enough, one of the IT guys at my office recommended a program called RoboForm that I’ve installed on a password-protected 64GB thumb drive. Now all I have to remember is the password for the thumb drive. I back it up to an external hard drive once a month or I’d be screwed. I feel your pain!

  5. At first I thought this was going to be a rant about Allen Ludden.

  6. Becoming Bitter Says:

    LOL! That sounds like the time when I was in a research lab over the summer. It is SO damn annoying verifying oneself and changing passwords. My head felt like it got bashed into the wall 2-3 times.

  7. What makes it hard on me is the ones that only last a few months and then demand to be changed – and not to something that you used to have. Keeps me on my toes for websites that I access like 5 times a year to try to remember which password goes where.

  8. At work I use a lovely little program called PasswordSafe… There is also an app for the iPhone (maybe Droid, too) called DataInherit(the name for this just recently changed… I believe it is now SecureSafe, but I can’t be assed to look), that I use for a personal password safe.

    The password to get into my desktop at work is ridiculous. Our old IT gal is nuts. Must be at least 10 characters, contain upper & lower case letters, at least one number and one symbol. Passwords expire every 30 days and you can’t use the same password if you’ve used it in the last 28 times. Yes, twenty-fucking-eight. !Dot11Dot@

  9. i understand and can appreciate your frustration here. There is a relatively simply solution for this crap; it’s called RoboForm. Best damn thing I’ve run across. Check it out.

  10. Oh, I needed that laugh!! I’ve had a bad computer week. Passwords, networks, servers…aaargh!

  11. If anyone will hack you now, it must be karma for hurting the desk.

  12. Ha, ha. Or %$(&^#$&#%#))0463293(%^@.

  13. Thanks for all of the new password ideas.

  14. Hahahaha! I have a spreadsheet that almost leaks onto the next page of all my passwords. It’s right here on my desk if you need to take a look at it.

  15. None of this shit affects me. I quit my job. Ten years ago. Let them asturds try to find me now! I may be poor, but I have a beautiful, well formed forehead.

  16. I can relate so much to this! Making an account on a website nowadays has become a days work.

  17. John Erickson Says:

    I just wrote down a set of reminders, each reminder good for 3 or 4 passwords. Of course, it was easy for me, since the passwords were ship names for the starships I’ve created. Or people’s names. Gobbledegook to the rest of the world!
    (Wow. “Gobbledegook” didn’t trip any spell check. Weird! 😀 )

    • Starships… you… have… created…

      • I’ve created some starships too.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Hey, that’s over a dozen named ships for the “good guys” side, plus world names, people’s names, …. an absolute cornucopia of potential passwords.
        What, you though I only designed armed cars? Dude – I’ve designed WW1 and WW2 battleships, every sort of ground vehicle with weapons and armour, I’ve even designed a couple of pistols! Though the starships, especially my original “Zenaru”, are nearest and dearest to my heart. (Don’t worry, I don’t use “Zenaru” as a password, since it now populates websites and Email names.)

      • No, but Zenaru is in your email address, John. and I THOUGHT you weren’t a nerd?!? shame on me!

        • Oh, John is fully nerded up.

        • John Erickson Says:

          You thought I WASN’T a nerd? DUDE! I have EVERY person’s autograph (and pictures with them) from the original Star Trek, I have a picture of me and my robot K-9 with Tom Baker, the fourth Doctor Who, and I have every episode of the Star Trek animated series on VIDEO TAPE!! (I won’t even get into the lunches with Walter Koenig and George Takei, or the days spent entertaining various British TV celebs!)

          • *jaw on floor*

            I have ALL Star Trek on digits, not videotape. If that counts.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Well, in addition, I have all the original Star Trek series on tape, copies on DVD of Star Wars 4-6 (with OUT any add-on effects, thank you VERY much!), most of the original Doctors 2-5 on tape, plus Babylon 5 on homemade DVD. I think I even have some Blakes 7 on DVD. And that doesn’t count the classic stuff like “When Worlds Collide” and the 1953 “War Of The Worlds”. I even have the basics of the now-defunct RPG “Traveler” – D&D for outer space, as well as the board game version of “Starship Troopers” – featuring powered armour as Heinlein INTENDED, not like the first two cheesy eponymous movies.
            And you really MUST check out VERY “hard” (tech-heavy) sci-fi universe. The full history of the universe going back from 10,000 years after the landings on the moon. (Yes, you read that right.)
            So, did THAT peg the geek needle?

          • Holy shit. I wish I had time to surf this stuff.

      • This must be why the aliens haven’t invaded yet. Your nerdiness repels them.

  18. Ju-Jube (aka the Biebster) was a black op, sprung fully formed on an unsuspecting, and unwilling, public. If I’d had intelligence about what was coming, I could have, and would have, smothered him in his crib. Arrogant little ass-wipe is so full of himself, and other substances, that he told one interviewer that he was the only important thing that ever came out of Stratford, Ontario. Apparently he was so busy massaging his ego that he missed the high-scoring NHL player from the 50s and 60s, a long-serving Canadian Senator, government, not sports, a CTV news anchor for 30 years, and a beautiful singer named Loreena McKennit.

    Note to self re: passwords

    Perhaps setting up my own blog is not as good an idea as it once seemed.

  19. The length and complexity of the password the site required is almost always inversely proportionate to the security needed, the number of people who would be interested in the information, and the number of times you will ever use that site.

    At least WordPress recognizes passwords and replaces them with asterisks in case you accidentally post one. Watch, I’ll demonstrate: *********. See?

  20. Not any more. The ball’s in your court now. Got a .308 with a good scope? Wait till he’s in Vegas and do a twofer with Celine Dion. Not a court in the world would convict you. Thanks for taking her off our hands too. When she went south, the average sanity level in Canada rose significantly.

  21. All my passwords are Canadianized…meaning, they’re kinda polite, nice and over-apologetic. For example:sorryaboutnothavingmorethan2shipsinournavytoassistindefendingourassesbutwekindofrelyonyouguystobethebulliesandwelikeitthatway435&^^andwetakebackthatbiebsthing*&&^*heresabeeror24eh?

    • um…it cut off my password! *sigh* I can see I have been monitored and my password denied. I’ll change it to this:fuckwit45ishavingbeerandwatchingthehockeygame.

    • John Erickson Says:

      “What do you call two Newfies (the dogs) in a rowboat? The Canadian Navy.”
      “Why aren’t there more World War 2 vehicles in Canadian military museums? Because they’re still being used.”
      Those are jokes FROM Canadians, so I can pass them on, especially since both came from the RHLI vet that “adopted” me into the unit. 🙂

    • I about pissed myself with this. You totally rock and in my mind you are not a Canadian. Sorry. You rock.

  22. HUAHUAHUAHUAHUAHUA = my next password

  23. Mongolianclusterfuck42: the new answer to life.

  24. my passwords: usually whatever I feel like using at the moment. Some great OLD passwords I NO LONGER use…spankymywooduntilitbleeds





  25. I read this at work…bad idea. I burst out in giggles..and can’t seem to stop.

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