Living Single-Handed: The Left Part

Most of you know at this point that I went and had shoulder surgery four weeks ago to correct a torn rotator cuff and some other work to get rid of floaty bits of shit in the joint. Yeah, wait for the pictures below. The Rants Army deserves an update.

At this point I’m seriously wondering what the fuck I was thinking. If this were this an exercise for Soldiers designed to force them to consider life as an amputee, it’s fucking great. I can tie my boot laces in a perfect bow now with one hand.  That’s an upgrade from ‘Retarded Boy Scout Forever Clusterfuck Knot From Hell.’

Even the ‘fixing’ part has apparently gone well, because it doesn’t hurt randomly when I use my arm anymore – it hurts all the fucking time. Consistency, it’s important.  It’s what’s for dinner.

I know, I need to be patient. The persistent asshattery of this procedure I can state with confidence is this: a total lack of sleep. I’m on Week Four of a six-week, sling-confined mindfuck that reminds me too well of my last jaunt to Assgrabbistan. That little adventure featured four-month periods of absolute insomnia that reduced me to writing with crayons and hearing colors.

Still, I have hope. The therapist asked me a week after the procedure what my goal for the physical therapy would be. I said, “Do all the shit I did before.” He gave me that ‘Poor fool’ look and shook his head. I asked if carrying full sheets of ¾” plywood one-armed would be out forever, because the other hand is for beer. He affirmed that and added that boxing, middle-linebacker work, and my broadsword lessons would likely suffer as well. I cried and moved on.

Because I know you’re all sick, curious fucks, I promised some pictures. Here you go.

Deep Inside Rants - 1

Deep Inside Rants – 1

Deep Inside Rants - 2

Deep Inside Rants – 2







Pretty sick. The surgeon, using only shish kabob skewers equipped with snippy knives and cameras, hammered some kind of peg into my bone and then stitched up all the torn shit. He gave the joint a good sanding and cleaned up after himself. Judging from his notes and the pictures, it’s a good thing I’m a Tanker because this kind of shit is beyond me like telemarketing, knitting and Olympic Teabagging.

Stitches? Bruise? Hell yeah! Check out my bicep and shoulder damage:

bruise stitches

Keep in mind that was about three weeks ago. It’s abated with the help of special band-aids in the shape of an octopus. When I was done with it, I recycled. I amuse the shit out of myself.

Octopus Band Aid Art

Octopus Band Aid Art

50 Responses to “Living Single-Handed: The Left Part”

  1. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Glad you’re healing well but getting better is a pain in the ass sometimes.

  2. dude…I heard shoulder surgery of any kind is BRUTAL to recover from…so good luck

  3. You should have saved whatever bits they pulled out. really would have enhanced the octopus art…

  4. Yucky! I think I’m going under in the next few months to repair my AC joint…good luck getting use back.

  5. The pain will go away eventually, right? I hope.

  6. Good that you are healing. Bruise art is fascinating. The bandaid art is creative in a beachy sort of way.

  7. Ahhhh, poor baby! I hope you get some sleep soon (psssst – try antihistamines to break the insomnia cycle)

  8. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Oh man, this was painful just to look at..(hope you feel better soon)

  9. “I asked if carrying full sheets of ¾” plywood one-armed would be out forever, because the other hand is for beer.”

    Total Life skill right there.

  10. Willy Nilly Says:

    Embrace the suck! Hasn’t the, never had surgury before, CSM come by to motivate you? I’ve noticed the medical community has slowly moved away from colonoscopy as the cash crop to shoulders. I’m the only person in my town that gets pain meds for something other than shoulder surgury. Nobody can use their left arm anymore. On the bright side, violence at the local sports club is down because no one wants to use their feet to pound the assclown next to them, rooting for the wrong team. Love your rants! Elevate your gun tube and traverse it to the rear deck, I always say.

  11. Hope this helps. My Mom, age 90 was gardening, yes, broke the ball joint inside the rotator cuff. I’m not good with medical terms but I know they left that 90 yr old woman laying in a hospitable for 2 days until the synthetic part arrived. It was 4 hours from where she was and I had to offer to pick it up. I wasn’t very nice at that point. That was a tough old woman, lived through several wars, tailored uniforms for the troops before they shipped out from Long Beach.
    It took her a year before normal use of arm, it was the most pain I’ve ever seen a person go through.
    Mom was 90 years old and she did the therapy, you can too. I did increase pain meds after therapy but it worked.
    Good luck young man. A fan here.

    • I’ve taken no pain meds except Motrin the first three days. I’m doing well now, and your mom’s story proves I’ll be able to try out for middle linebacker with the Raiders.

    • After falling off a motorcycle and smashing the left shoulder ball, medical incompetence took a week to FIND OUT that it was broken. My first couple of weeks after the bionic surgery were spent sleeping when I could, upright (?), in a recliner, a thought for next time. Physio’s fun, but Rants’ll make it. 🙂

  12. Ew…looks so painful. Don’t over do it and heal up!!

  13. I’ve only needed pain meds once many years ago but I don’t understand not using the non opiate type pills. I’m much older and have seen constant pain wear a person down. A blue collar business owner just called it in one day and we all know it was from the constant back pain.
    As long as you can sleep but using a pain med does not make you a weaker man.

  14. Man I hope things are coming along well for you now. Just about, (I mean probably within a day), A family member had the exact same surgery. Even down to the arthroscopic pics. Since then I’ve been their “right hand”. They have just gotten out of the recliner and returned to their bed about three days ago now. Serious stuff, I’m with you man. Don’t try and push it and stay still for the most part. Oh, and enjoy those meds, good time to watch “The Wall” or that old animated movie “Heavy Metal” again.

  15. Hi, Rants,
    Hope you’re healing well from your surgery. As a science geek, I have to say though, those photos are so cool. Sorry but wow. So interesting.

    Thanks for visiting the new site as well. I’m still doing my dental thing just not in blog form.

    Take it easy on your shoulder.

  16. I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your
    site. It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more
    enjoyable for me to come here and visit more often.
    Did you hire out a developer to create your theme? Great work!

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