Flash Fiction – 3rd Ed.

Ever had one of those weeks where everything piles up like a big, steaming dog turd on your head?  I see all of you nodding, so we’re communicating.  This was my life last week, and my lame excuse for not posting a Flash Fiction.

If you want to join in the Flash Madness, go to Rochelle’s Purple Blog and follow the rules.

Concept: a weekly picture is posted, and the writer is challenged to produce one-hundred (more or less) words of some sort of fiction with a full plotline (beginning, middle and end).  Here is my third installment:

 

Copyright: Kent Bonham

Copyright: Kent Bonham

DISSOCIATION

“I don’t know who you are,” David said.

“Cut!” the director yelled.

The actress snatched her cigarettes from her assistant.  David caught her arm.

“No, really, who are you?” he begged.

“Let go, I need a smoke,” the woman scowled.

“I don’t understand,” David said.

She tore her arm away.  “Go have a pill or whatever,” she rolled her eyes.

David watched people he didn’t know surge through his living room.  They ignored his lost, scared look.  He glanced up.  The lights and scaffolding shocked and scared him.

From the corner, the girl stared with malevolent eyes.

– – – – –

Critique and general abuse are welcome.  It helps to use the comments if you want to heap abuse upon me.

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69 Responses to “Flash Fiction – 3rd Ed.”

  1. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    I was picturing Bette Davis as the actress with the attitude you described.

    Good story, interesting scene…

  2. Ah. this was eerie.. almost like the Truman show…

  3. The short choppy sentence structure reinforces David’s jarred nervous feeling – desperation building. The girl’s irritation comes through as well
    Then the sentences flow with the ideas/movement of the next to last paragraph.
    Last line has a perfect rhythm/sound for the meaning….image like a large cat watching prey from behind a boulder.
    Suspenseful.
    Well done.

  4. Remnants of The Truman Show.

  5. Girls with malevolent eyes are creepy. Nice touch.

  6. Ooh, nice read! Great job, BR. And just who is the girl with the malevolent eyes. I take it that’s from David’s POV.

  7. Malevolent eyes. Nice.

  8. If you squint, that studio light has malevolent eyes and a wicked grin.

    Very Twilight Zone like. Never seen Truman Show.

    Good job.

  9. That is so bloody out there, total dissociation. I love that stuff. That’s what I write best, if I write anything well at all.

    I don’t think you need that last line to sell the creep, though.

    • Seriously? I ask because I don’t honestly think the preceding text is strong enough, story-wise.

      • In my opinion (just my opinion – discard as appropriate), the last line detracts from the strength of the previous bits. You created a build-up of something that doesn’t make sense, that is an odd situation, but it was compelling enough that I could see myself in that situation. But I wouldn’t know why or how come. The last line, to me, cheapens the build-up. It plays like a trick.

        Sometimes you just have to let your audience want more.

        • Wow. Actually that approach sunk me in an SF submission contest, but I will take your advice because that was a short story contest and this is FLASH (Savior of the Universe) Fiction. I really do think you have a point, Trent. Thank you. Eye-opening!

          • No worries. Genre does matter, though. I think genre fiction like science fiction does usually need some kind of closure. I think literary fiction or flash fiction can be more open-ended.

            The stories that always stick with me are the ones I have to struggle to conclude in my own mind, or wonder about where they were taking me and how I got there. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

            At any rate, cheers – and have a good night.

          • Trent, I agree across the board. Did you still want to read my shit? My email client crashed and I lost your direct address.

          • Anytime, man. Just beware, I’m harsh with editing comments. Very harsh. You will likely hate me.

            trentlewin@gmail.com

          • Ha! You forget the thick-skinned asshole you’re commenting with!

  10. Whoa! That was creepy. Good story. I’d like more of that one. Lucy

  11. Very cool story. There was at least one Twilight Zone like this where reality and (in that instance) television intertwined. I like that actress too!

  12. Sounds like total melt-down is on the way. Nightmarish quality to this. Well done.

  13. Dear BR,

    I was thinking more of an episode of Quantum Leap, but Truman Show works, too. Nice one.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  14. I’ve never seen “Truman Show” either. It gave me more of a “The Ring” feel, which was completely creepy. So hopefully that works for you. 🙂

    janet

  15. this was like the Truman Show but extremely eerie… well done.

  16. Awesome. Rants! Well done!!

  17. This is absolutely thrilling. I love how it’s open to interpretation. You painted a very eerie scene but left just enough space for suspense and contemplation.

  18. Reality TV gone beserk. Maybe. There something very surreal happening here. This could be the opening scene for your movie. I’m off to read it again.

  19. You have hit a chord with this one! There are just enough words to draw the reader in & want more!

  20. Well written. I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening unless someone slipped something in his bottled water, etc. But the Trumen Show or the Twilight Zone could apply also. There are so many people losing it these days it could have been anything. Something like that would be very frightening.

  21. what do malevo… malovae… what do those kind of eyes look like?

  22. Never apologize for not writing a flash fiction. That’s like apologizing for not having pancreatic cancer,

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