Rantswers® 7.0

It’s been a wild ride here in Kansas and shit is getting ready to be even more awesomer.  Lots of moving parts, lots of excitement, and the added benefit of another surgery in the near future.  On the outside chance that you give one-half an actual fuck, I’m improving daily.  I figured you all were hungry for another round of Rantswers®, so here you go!




A quick review of the rules:

* You see this post, are fascinated, and want some humorous abuse from me. Perhaps you have a serious question, either type or both is fine.

* You scroll on down and post your question using the comment feature.

* Rants (uhm, me) reads and swings for the fence when he answers.

* You watch your subscription emails or the reader and stand by for the follow up. When you see the Rantswers® coming, you return, immediately hit the ‘like’ button, and enjoy the asshattery.

* Rantswers® happens monthly, generally around mid-month. Or when I want. Or both.

* Serious questions, as noted above, are allowed but if you desire a sincere answer please indicate as such, or you’ll get a Rantswer®. They look the same but taste different.

This month, Rantswers® will close comments at midnight on Saturday, 12 April 2014.  Email write-ins and late entries will be mocked, derided callously and urinated upon in printed form.

Ready? Go!

For past Rantswers®, click this sentence!

36 Responses to “Rantswers® 7.0”

  1. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    A) If you were gay, who would you be married to? John?

    B) If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

  2. If you had to go to jail, but got to choose the crime that would get you there- what crime would you commit? (Major crime… No fluffy tax evasion crap)

  3. In the spirit of Aussa’s post for “LAP”…. In the zombie apocalypse, would you join-up with some fellow comrades and attempt to keep a local city from collapse through martial law? Or would you go off on your own into the woods recruiting survivors to create your own ideal post apocalyptic Utopia to ensure the survival of the human race by raw eugenics through the survival of the fittest and domesticated agriculture and husbandry.
    You know, all Jeremiah Johnson style?

  4. Having survived the winter from hell, why must winter be a real thing, and not just a metaphor?

  5. If you were the Kabbalah rabbi leading the Paltrow/Martin break-up ceremony, what would you wear and what would your opening statement be?

  6. If you were an alien from Pluto and our solar system got caught up in an intergalactic war, would you hold Pluto’s new classification as a “dwarf planet” against the rest of the system and make a statement by remaining neutral? Or, as the “little man,” would you have a little man complex that would make you fight all the more fiercely in the hopes of Pluto becoming a real planet again?

  7. Is it so bad to offer someone a 2nd chance?

  8. If you could remove one person from the face of the earth without repercussions (currently living) who would it be and why?

  9. I haven’t been sleeping well, and this morning I woke up with a banana under my pillow. First question: What does it MEAN? Second question: If you found a mysterious gift of fruit under your pillow, would you eat it? (I did.)

  10. Where is Malaysian Flight 370?

  11. Your top 5 movies of all time.

  12. Made it in time. Why is it that an 80 year old human dildo can stay alive on the taxpayer’s dime with three squares and a bed, while a good person half his age loses his battle and leaves a family behind? They say everything happens for a reason. What praytell is the fucking reason? Serious only. This is not funny.

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