Archive for toilet

Creepy Shit

Posted in Awesome, Family, Humor, Random with tags , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2014 by BrainRants

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I absolutely love creepy shit.  Halloween is my second-favorite holiday after of course the tie for first Continue reading

Random Thought #66

Posted in Awesome, Humor, Official Random Thought, Random with tags , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2014 by BrainRants

Here are the three times your nose will be guaranteed to itch:

1. Cleaning the toilet

2. Cooking with meat blood up to your fucking elbow

3. Sex with someone of great significance

Because it sucks ass being me.

Embracing The Suck – Moving

Posted in Afghanistan, Army, Humor, Random, Rant, The Suck, Worst with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012 by BrainRants

Hi.  How the hell are you?  Great, great.  Me? Let’s just say I’ve had better weeks.  Today, Rants Army, I’ll regale you with the sordid tale of what has kept me from actually doing any work this week.  In general, you all know it as “moving.”  Unlike many of my previous posts’ themes, Continue reading

What I’m Wondering About Now

Posted in Afghanistan, Humor, Random, Rant with tags , , , , , , on May 20, 2012 by BrainRants

After being here for three weeks, I now feel fully qualified to start my ranty bitchfest o’ hate on topics of general interest to me. Having been here and done this once before, you could say I have an eye for that which is deserving of my Continue reading

Describe Your Favorite Reading/Writing Spot

Posted in Home, Humor, Rant with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2011 by BrainRants

I decided to try this autotopic thingy that WordPress provides every time I post a new entry.  So the theme is above, in the title.  My favorite place to read?  That’s easy, because it’s the only place I get any chance to read: The Toilet.

Yeah, I’m a toilet reader.  I knock out most of my recreational reading every morning while I back out my morning dump.  Normally everyone is still asleep and the first cup of coffee is working its magic.  My biggest challenge is making sure I don’t lose track of time, because the Army expects me to show up on time daily and stuff.  I know, wacky, huh?  The other consideration is that if I sit there too long my legs and ass fall asleep.  That makes it tough to put on your pants.  Or hilarious.  It of course depends on your point of view.

This is not to say I don’t get other chances to read recreationally, but the odds drop off sharply after 0600 daily.  After that point, shit (generally speaking, not the brown stinky kind) starts happening and my time is no longer my own.  Reading at night in bed for me is an exercise in losing my place in the book, since that is what happens once the coma hits and I wake up later with the book mashed under my big ass.

On the issue of writing, that one is less easy to answer.  Although I’m a digital immigrant (vice native), the only things I write by hand anymore are grocery lists, card inscriptions, meeting notes, and my signature.  Oh, and an occasional love note post-it for Di.  Fully digitized, my writing then is constrained by one odd factor: my mouse.  I am a hardcore mouse user, and hate the fingerpad thing.  So I end up writing anywhere the keypad is accessible to my ape hands and the mouse has somewhere to go do its pointing thing.  Generally, these places are: the sofa, the lounger, here at the table, and in bed.  I’d note I have a super-mega-awesome mouse that will track on just about any surface except air molecules.

If it did that, I’d probably tap out my rants on the pooper as well.