Archive for pedophile

No Clue: More Shit I Don’t Understand

Posted in Humor, Rant with tags , , , , , , on October 29, 2011 by BrainRants

Back in September (2011) I was on the road and visually and sonically reminded that I am becoming an old fucker. This is because I am finding more and more shit out there in the world that I don’t understand. I suspected that I’d find more, and I was right. …more lack of clues…

Breaking News: The Nineties’ Most Irritating Songs

Posted in Humor, Random, Rant, Worst with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2011 by BrainRants

I accidentally saw this on broadcast news (because this is sooo clearly more relevant than our economic implosion, retarded Congress, or the whole Libya/Syria thing) and saw it again online the next day.  Naturally, I couldn’t resist reiterating the list of “Most Irritating Songs” with my very own special commentary.

1. Aqua, “Barbie Girl” – No contest other than perhaps #5 ought to be up here tied for #1 (see below).  Not only was this song just irritating at first listen, it then got played again… and again.  Hearing the song played, it consistently made me think: “caffienated hormonal teenage cheerleader on crack.”  I nominate this as the Pedophile National Anthem because it’s f-ing creepy.  I’m glad this has fallen into obscurity because hearing this again would make me want to suck-start my Beretta.

2. Los Del Rio, “Macarena” – Overplay killed what microscopic goodness this effort at a song ever had, if it had any at all.  The stupid robotic dance didn’t help either.  This song merely provided a vehicle for tens of millions of people with zero coordination and rhythm to get out there and irrevocably prove it to the world.

3. Billy Ray Cyrus, “Achy Breaky Heart” – This one actually was tolerable until it became viral and non-country fans started doing ‘The Achy Breaky.’  At that point, it was death by overplay.  I am amazed Billy Ray has managed to suvive this period as an entertainer, though I admit the man can sing.  For me, the image of his mid-back-length mullet makes me reach for the brain bleach, and kind of kills the desire to play his other stuff.  And then there’s the whole Miley thing that makes me vomit in the back of my throat…

4. Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby” – Two words to describe this fail: white rapper.  Sorry, Ice, but you’ve got to pack the same volcanic rage level as Eminem to hang for long in the Rap crowd, and well, you didn’t.  Stealing music didn’t help either, and you’d think Milli Vanilli woulda demonstrated how music cheating works out for you.  Do not send any words to my mother or I will smoke you.

5. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping” – I’m still confused about this one.  I didn’t really like it at all to begin with and then somehow it became the Ultimate Drunken Party Song.  That equates to overplay, which truthfully could even kill “Amazing Grace.”  Also, WTF is the meaning of the band name, and what is ‘tubthumping’ code for anyway?  Is this obscure British slang?  I have a vague idea and it is nasty.

6. Hanson, “MMMBop” – Decidedly gay.  Not homosexual gay.  Just lame-ass, WTF-Zone, Boy-Band-Without-a-Dance-Routine, failwagon gay.  There are no other words.

7. Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On” – This one really ought to have been up there tied for #1, and #2 at the worst.  Hearing this tripe over and over clearly beats out middle aged, fat, white folks doing the Achy Breaky line dance badly.  I still want to shotgun Celine and then dig my own eardrums out with a shard of rusty metal when I accidentally hear this.

8. Baha Men, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” – Overplayed, overused, overrated.  Not a great song to begin with as well.  Is it Rap? Is it Reggae?  No, it’s crap.  I bet they put this in a continuous play loop in Guantanamo Bay to break Taliban prisoners.  If they don’t they ought to because that would be far more effective than waterboarding.  Except for maybe Celine.  To think that we could have ventilated Osama’s skull years ago…

9. Right Said Fred, “I’m Too Sexy” – I don’t know why but the lead singer’s voice somehow reminds me of the Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs (“It puts the lotion in the basket!”).  Creepy.  This is what you get when songs try to parody something, hit the mark, and then just become annoying.  Also, there’s a high level of fail in the band name alone.

10. 4 Non Blondes, “What’s Up?” – I have no idea why this song is even in the top ten, because Celine Dion ought to count for two of the ten slots just because that song sucks ass in such an epic manner.  Actually, while overplayed, “What’s Up?” is not a bad song.

I hope this was informative and entertaining for you.  Unfortunately it made me get Celine stuck in my head, and now I’ll have to get fall-down, vomit-in-my-own-crotch drunk to make it go away.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Disagree? Fine, because I didn’t make this list. Leave a comment and let everyone know which song you think should have been in the 90’s Top Worst.