Rantswers® 7.2

Hey, hey now.  Stop that.  No, I mean it, or you’re going to your rooms.  Okay, thank you

Thanks For Nothing, Congress

Nobody should be surprised that I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A government shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sides of what is supposed to be an elected body of our representatives.  In other words, they’re supposed to be looking out for our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?

Had It Up To Here

I’ve had it up to here.  In case you can’t see, I’m making a choppy motion a few inches above my bald head, which is about seventy-three inches above the floor right now while I’m wearing my combat shitkickers.  I found this photo on

Bill O’ Rights and Shit

Hi there!  A short diversion here at the opening to say “Whazzup, bitches?” to all my Rants Army Homies.  I’m all home and all frustrated by

Good Grief, What’s Up?

Well, I’ve survived the epic snow dump thus far,  my only damage (if one could call it that) some lower back discomfort from the shovel work I did for MamaRants to clear the walk and driveway.  I find it amusing that these big storms make so much news.  I mean really – weather happens, people.  This wasn’t like the huge storm last year

Ok, Let’s Fix Healthcare

I’m just going to assume that this will totally piss off the neighbors with the title alone. Screw you if you are thinking that right now, and you might as well

Bully Rant

I’ve noted a whole lot of traffic in the media about bullying, and to be my usual subtle-as-a-2×4-in-the-teeth, ranttastic self, I’m f-ing sick of hearing about it. Call me insensitive, callous, asshole, or whatever colorful descriptive words you prefer. That’s what I’m here for, and I’m suggesting

More Shit I Believe (Two)

I posted this blog called, “Shit I Believe” a while back (click the ‘Official Shit I Believe’ over there on the right), and I thought it was about time for a follow-up.  What else is the internet for besides porn, really?  Anyway, by way of a disclaimer here to hopefully derail the failtards who might take exception to what I say, let me restate: “Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and they all stink.”  It’s really funny how some internet trolls will rail against you because they confuse your opinion with established fact, and are nearly uniformly the same fucktards who wield their own opinions like facts.  Anyway, I digress again.

Stop The Madness

I have to be honest: I can’t decide which kind of news I hate more, the shit about our Government or the shit about mindless, attention whore celebrities who do virtually nothing but get paid nonetheless. Come to think of it, put that way I suppose I could just as well pick both and be good. Seriously, what’s the difference?

I could stop there and call it a Random Thought, and you’d all be tickled,

Breaking News: The Nineties’ Most Irritating Songs

I accidentally saw this on broadcast news (because this is sooo clearly more relevant than our economic implosion, retarded Congress, or the whole Libya/Syria thing) and saw it again online the next day.  Naturally, I couldn’t resist reiterating the list of “Most Irritating Songs” with my very own special commentary.

1. Aqua, “Barbie Girl” – No contest other than perhaps #5 ought to be up here tied for #1 (see below).  Not only was this song just irritating at first listen, it then got played again… and again.  Hearing the song played, it consistently made me think: “caffienated hormonal teenage cheerleader on crack.”  I nominate this as the Pedophile National Anthem because it’s f-ing creepy.  I’m glad this has fallen into obscurity because hearing this again would make me want to suck-start my Beretta.

2. Los Del Rio, “Macarena” – Overplay killed what microscopic goodness this effort at a song ever had, if it had any at all.  The stupid robotic dance didn’t help either.  This song merely provided a vehicle for tens of millions of people with zero coordination and rhythm to get out there and irrevocably prove it to the world.

3. Billy Ray Cyrus, “Achy Breaky Heart” – This one actually was tolerable until it became viral and non-country fans started doing ‘The Achy Breaky.’  At that point, it was death by overplay.  I am amazed Billy Ray has managed to suvive this period as an entertainer, though I admit the man can sing.  For me, the image of his mid-back-length mullet makes me reach for the brain bleach, and kind of kills the desire to play his other stuff.  And then there’s the whole Miley thing that makes me vomit in the back of my throat…

4. Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby” – Two words to describe this fail: white rapper.  Sorry, Ice, but you’ve got to pack the same volcanic rage level as Eminem to hang for long in the Rap crowd, and well, you didn’t.  Stealing music didn’t help either, and you’d think Milli Vanilli woulda demonstrated how music cheating works out for you.  Do not send any words to my mother or I will smoke you.

5. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping” – I’m still confused about this one.  I didn’t really like it at all to begin with and then somehow it became the Ultimate Drunken Party Song.  That equates to overplay, which truthfully could even kill “Amazing Grace.”  Also, WTF is the meaning of the band name, and what is ‘tubthumping’ code for anyway?  Is this obscure British slang?  I have a vague idea and it is nasty.

6. Hanson, “MMMBop” – Decidedly gay.  Not homosexual gay.  Just lame-ass, WTF-Zone, Boy-Band-Without-a-Dance-Routine, failwagon gay.  There are no other words.

7. Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On” – This one really ought to have been up there tied for #1, and #2 at the worst.  Hearing this tripe over and over clearly beats out middle aged, fat, white folks doing the Achy Breaky line dance badly.  I still want to shotgun Celine and then dig my own eardrums out with a shard of rusty metal when I accidentally hear this.

8. Baha Men, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” – Overplayed, overused, overrated.  Not a great song to begin with as well.  Is it Rap? Is it Reggae?  No, it’s crap.  I bet they put this in a continuous play loop in Guantanamo Bay to break Taliban prisoners.  If they don’t they ought to because that would be far more effective than waterboarding.  Except for maybe Celine.  To think that we could have ventilated Osama’s skull years ago…

9. Right Said Fred, “I’m Too Sexy” – I don’t know why but the lead singer’s voice somehow reminds me of the Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs (“It puts the lotion in the basket!”).  Creepy.  This is what you get when songs try to parody something, hit the mark, and then just become annoying.  Also, there’s a high level of fail in the band name alone.

10. 4 Non Blondes, “What’s Up?” – I have no idea why this song is even in the top ten, because Celine Dion ought to count for two of the ten slots just because that song sucks ass in such an epic manner.  Actually, while overplayed, “What’s Up?” is not a bad song.

I hope this was informative and entertaining for you.  Unfortunately it made me get Celine stuck in my head, and now I’ll have to get fall-down, vomit-in-my-own-crotch drunk to make it go away.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Disagree? Fine, because I didn’t make this list. Leave a comment and let everyone know which song you think should have been in the 90’s Top Worst.