Archive for idiot husband

Drunken Twittering…

Posted in Awesome, Best, Humor, Random with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2013 by BrainRants

Yeah.  So my good friend and blogging buddy, Twindaddy, recently availed himself of a significant life change.  Afterwards, standing victorious over the slain bones and juicy fragments of his enemas… uhm, enemies, he threw down his keyboard gauntlet in a challenge of bloggetary proportions, albeit Continue reading

Laundry Hang-Ups

Posted in Home, Humor with tags , , , , , , on November 5, 2011 by BrainRants

Like all men I am genetically impaired and cannot do laundry correctly. I offer into evidence Exhibit A: My Y Chromosome, and Exhibit B: My Charming Bride, Di [insert image of enraged spouse flogging me with ruined panties]. Case closed, slam dunk, thanks to the jurors, more laundry fail!…

Did You Just Say That Out Loud? Part One

Posted in Humor, Official Shit I Said Out Loud, Random with tags , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2011 by BrainRants

I get this question more than you can imagine. Then again, perhaps you’re not very surprised. I’ve noted before I have a bit of a filter problem. By that, I mean, I am missing whatever neuron I’m supposed to have that diverts the mouth-moving-words-coming-out+content signal into the clearing barrel (ArmySpeak for a container full of sand that you can safely fire a chambered round in order to clear your weapon and render it safe / unloaded). I like to think that’s the bad news, because the good news is I’ve not really gotten in serious trouble for want of one. Except maybe for the Fat Lady Haircut remark. I also believe this is good news because lots of people around me have let me know how entertaining I can be. In fact, the guys I worked with in Afghanistan made me a tee shirt with five of my choicer utterances when I left for home. Hmm, blog post idea in that one. …more filter fails…

A Close Call

Posted in Family, Home, Humor, Random with tags , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by BrainRants

I just had to preempt myself from what I expected to post today to relate a fabulous little gem of an incident yesterday morning while most of you (if you’re half sane that is) were still asleep, regardless of time zone. Well, except for our dear and quite polite neighbors more awesome…

AutoTopic: List Your Favorite Ways To Procrastinate

Posted in AutoTopic, Home, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2011 by BrainRants

Naturally this AutoTopic I saved has sat in my draft folder for a few months now – truth. How fitting that I’d procrastinate writing a blog about procrastination. Delicious, isn’t it? Anyway, I had to hit this one because everyone does it, even Army dudes. Granted, we procrastinate in a highly organized and camouflaged way, but we do it nonetheless. That said, I’ll narrow my focus onto homefront tasks, chores, and nags requests for help to enhance the snarkiness and laughability. Continue reading

Burrito Rage

Posted in Family, Food, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2011 by BrainRants

By now my regular readers know that I love food, and I’m going to be posting a lot of recipes regarding Continue reading

Major Medical

Posted in Army, Family, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by BrainRants

Since the epic two-part screed on Di’s adventures in the Army medical system was so well-received, I thought it would be entertaining to add a page from my own medical mishap book. Now, my book is much, much thinner than Di’s, so this is probably the only event that is moderately humorous. Also unlike Di’s book, thus far none of the chapters contain near-death experiences such as failed cartwheels. Continue reading

Random Thought #17

Posted in Humor, Official Random Thought with tags , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2011 by BrainRants

So there I was, on my knees with my head in my oven. I had trouble breathing, and my nose was burning. As the tears streamed down my cheeks, I thought: “I just want this to be over and done with.”

Then I realized that “Easy Off” ought to be named “Easier Than Using A Q-Tip Off,” and that steel wool would probably work much better at getting that black substance that is somewhere in density between depleted uranium and neutron star core material off the oven enamel. I was right. Oven complete.

Evil Eye

Posted in Family, Home, Humor, Random with tags , , , , , on September 16, 2011 by BrainRants

This is a light-hearted follow-up to the very serious second-of-two part rants I finally wrapped up yesterday.  I find this funny because of all the major medical issues Di and I have navigated, this just was sort of the fluffy spray-whipped-topping type of issue that keeps life regular.  More darkly, it’s a great example of how ongoing medical struggles with our healthcare system can turn a normal, well-adjusted woman into a borderline hypochondriac (which she really is not).

I walk in the door after my first trip in about two months, which for me and my job is astounding in terms of duration.  I’m home about fifteen minutes, unpacking my dirty laundry to do later, getting my toothpaste and stuff ready for tomorrow, and other activities to police up the assorted crap that I dragged home.  Di ventures downstairs, and after a nice hug and kiss, I hear about The Eye.

Mind you, this is presented as a possible Major Medical Issue.  The specifics are that her right eye itches, burns, and waters.  Apparently she just woke up this way.  I suggest she has a cat hairball lodged deep in her eye socket.  No, this can’t be.  I then suggest she inadvertently scratched it while sleeping last night.  No, can’t be, Di is so on-top of every movement in this house she’d know damn well if she itched her eye while deep in Stage 4 REM sleep.  Pink eye?  No.  Terrorist plot?  No.  “Okay, Babe, after everything we’ve been through in two months, do you want me to tote you to the emergency room?” I asked her.  Nope, no way, she doesn’t want to go blind.  I was puzzled, so was she.

Calls were made, solutions were proposed.  Ultimately, Di took a hot bath and afterward everything seemed pretty much better with all the symptoms on the mend.  Still, Di was unsatisfied because of the dangling ‘why’ to the whole affair.  She walked around as we knocked out some chores, still spouting possible explanations.  Finally, as I’m applying my high-pressure scrubbing technique to some baked-on, caked-on stuff, she says this:

“Well, you know I was in 7-11 yesterday.”

I dropped the green pad and looked at her.  My right eyebrow shot up Mr. Spock style (I am well-known and envied for this ability).  I was momentarily thrown, and my CPU struggled to keep up.  Conversation ensued:

  • ME:  “Seven-Eleven?”
  • DI:  “Uh huh.  I picked up smokes.”
  • ME:  “And that’s what’s wrong with your eye?”
  • DI:  “Maybe.”
  • ME:  “You were in 7-11 and that’s what is wrong with your eye.”
  • DI:  “What else would it be?”
  • ME:  “You’re telling me you have Seven-Eleven Eye.”
  • DI:  “Why are you laughing?”
  • ME:  “I’m not touching that.”

To be honest I’m still lost as to the connection.  By the way, she’s fine.

Random Thought #11

Posted in Humor, Official Random Thought with tags , , , , , , on August 17, 2011 by BrainRants

WTFSomeone please tell me WTF is up with fitted sheets?  Why can I never successfully fold them?  I know they can be folded because:

  1. They came that way in the package
  2. My Mom can do it
  3. My wife can do it

My efforts result in a hot mess of a sheetwad every time, and I have an engineering degree and a 6′ wingspan.