Archive for assholes

People You Meet On The Bus

Posted in Humor, My Weird Shit, Random, Rant with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2016 by BrainRants

One of the unalloyed joys of being me is the necessity of using public transportation.  Monday through Friday, I haul my carcass Continue reading

How To Drive Like A Virginian

Posted in Humor, Rant with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2016 by BrainRants

An entire fucking year ago I shat a post about the joys of living in Virginia.  Another blogger asked about the state slogan, ‘Virginia is for lovers.’  I say: bullfuckingshit.  Lovers might be here, but they’re obviously Continue reading

More Shit I Believe (Two)

Posted in Food, Humor, Official Shit I Believe, Random with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 2, 2012 by BrainRants

I posted this blog called, “Shit I Believe” a while back (click the ‘Official Shit I Believe’ over there on the right), and I thought it was about time for a follow-up.  What else is the internet for besides porn, really?  Anyway, by way of a disclaimer here to hopefully derail the failtards who might take exception to what I say, let me restate: “Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and they all stink.”  It’s really funny how some internet trolls will rail against you because they confuse your opinion with established fact, and are nearly uniformly the same fucktards who wield their own opinions like facts.  Anyway, I digress again. …more beliefs…

Shit I Believe (One)

Posted in Awesome, Humor, Official Shit I Believe with tags , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2011 by BrainRants

One thing I’ve noticed as I’ve expanded my understanding of this whole blogging experience is that there are a lot of people out there who like to offer up their personal beliefs through this medium.  I’d say that’s probably a good way to do it, since people seem to be comfortable with making personal consumption choices on the internet (but surprisingly can’t seem to exercise that same judgement with a TV remote in hand).  After experiencing some of this vast ocean of belief out there both intentionally and unintentionally, I thought to myself, “Well, what the hell, might make a good recurring blog topic.”  And so here we are.  As the conventional wisdom goes: “Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and they all stink.”

I believe…

… that getting into fights is sometimes unavoidable because even if you really are a tough guy, eventually someone will try calling your bluff.

… a lot of people forget that we have two ears but only one mouth, and that the relative proportion suggests relative levels of use.

… that other than what it says in the Constitution, you’re entitled to opportunity and that’s about it.

… that children are equipped with a Reset Button located in the butt, and that frequent use early on will prevent software programming corruption later.

… that Microsoft intentionally made Solitaire more difficult just to piss off me and me alone.

… respect comes in two forms: that which is given, and that which is earned. How much you wind up with and in what proportion is up to you.

… the fact that an automobile has only one steering wheel and set of pedals imply something very important to the passenger(s).

… that it is infinitely more difficult to move from lax standards to disciplined ones than it is the other way around.

… bacon is the most awesome form of meat on the planet.

… the laws of physics clearly demonstrate that the amount of energy required to lower the toilet seat is equal to that required to raise it.

… that you’re as fully entitled to worship who- or whatever you damn well like as I am entitled to not have to listen to you talk about it, so please get off my porch.

… I will have another beer.

I have a feeling this might piss off the neighbors, as a friend of mine once said.  I’ll keep a steady watch on my “give a shit meter” and let you all know if I tick up off of zero. This post turned out kinda ranty, but that’s ok because the feedback I get tells me I’m fairly good at it.

AutoTopic: If You Were An Inanimate Object, What Would You Be And Why?

Posted in AutoTopic, Home, Humor, Random with tags , , , , , , , , on August 31, 2011 by BrainRants

The WordPress Random TopicBot spit this one out for me recently.  This suggested subject line made me laugh out loud because I think I am already mainly inanimate.  I know my cat (the small one of two, Dixie) thinks I need to be even more inanimate in order for her to snuggle and suck warmth from my bloated carcass.

But seriously here… I’m not confident I can arrive at one particular object, and so I’m making this a multiple-answer response.  I could also probably go on for pages here as well, and might just have to revisit this topic in the future with updates.  In spite of this equivocation, my thoughts:

Object:  Sofa.  It’s large.  It’s long.  It’s heavy.  It’s padded.  I could be a sofa right now with little modification.  Additionally, a sofa suggests a supine, relaxed position that requires little energy to maintain.  It also directly implies being in trouble with my Wife , and thus where I may will be sleeping.

Object: Recliner.  As with the Sofa, this furniture resembles the relaxed posture I prefer to enjoy.  Ours is also lumpy and squishy with some creaky joints.  Sort of like me.

Object: Laptop computer.  In other manifestations of me, I am quick-thinking and constantly analyzing things.  Electrically dynamic.  Then again, I am not very deep in measured depth and have a lot of easily-pushed buttons.

Object: Kitchen Knife.  In this example, I am specialized and skilled at a task, razor sharp and ready for action.  In other words, a kitchen tool, emphasis on ‘tool’.  Probably over-specialized too.  Occasionally dangerous.

Object: Can of Beer.  Okay, on second thought, this is a bad example because beer cans in my house are far from inanimate.  They are as full of beer as I am, however.  *uuurp*

Object: Warm, Moist, Soiled Sock.  This object portrays my close, warm, caring side.  It also highlights my sweaty aspects and the associated odor.

Object: Toilet Paper Roll.  I am always there when needed and indespensible.  Also, I’m white, tightly wound, and good at dealing with assholes.

At this point I have no idea how to summarze all of this.  I will let you, O Constant Reader, be the judge, jury and executioner.