Three Easy Ways To Fix Being Unemployed
Have you ever been unemployed? No? Yes? Well, for the first time in my life, I am. Interesting shenanigans going on around here in the DC Metro region, I tell you. Before you wet yourself, this sounds more dramatic than it actually is at the moment. That said, shit could head south with a supersonic quickness as well.
This started when my contract (I’m now a contract worker… ex-contract-worker for the Army – go fucking figure, right?) terminated and then lapsed. First, the company was going to re-bid. Then they teamed with another company. Then they withdrew from the team, and Rants did another formal job app. That company didn’t get the contract, so Rants did yet another job app.
Word is, I’ll be hired. The question is, when? We’re waiting for an offer letter now. Since I saw this coming two months ago, I’ve probably sent out applications for about fifty jobs. I’ve heard back from this many: 0 (zero).
In the meantime, while I’ve had my phone on Mega-Loud Ring with Earthquake-Vibrate and Satellite Laser Flashing, I’ve had to come up with some creative ways to distract myself from the fact that by definition, I’m unemployed. The good news here is, they still sell cigarettes and beer to people over 21, so those two staples in Chez Rants have helped keep me from biting my nails down to the knuckle bones.
While I’ve waited for final word, I’ve accomplished a lot. Now, you need to understand that right at this moment of transition, when I need to distract myself with landscaping in the worst way, it’s raining. It. Is. Raining. Talk about a giant ‘fuck you, Rants,’ straight to the teeth. I’m now worrying that this is karma’s way of whispering to me, “You’re soooo fucked, Rants.”
Anyway, I’ve managed to yank out some ivy and rake some stuff. That’s about it, as far as the outside goes. Inside, I’ve touched every single piece of paper in our office and sorted it. Some got burned but the rest of it is neatly filed alphabetically and with color-coded folders. My desk is uncluttered and dusted, and next up is a sweep and mop of the floor. After that, I don’t know what I’ll do other than align the toilets.
In my rest periods, I did come across some choice things to pass along to you guys and gals. First up is some idiot with a Spanish accent who apparently doesn’t know what is up with chiles. There’s always That Guy. Enjoy this assclownery, because he deserves this and because schadenfreude:
The next day, I got lucky and found this next clip. You don’t have to like or understand Electronic Dance Music (EDM) to enjoy this shit. Because rubber chickens make anything hilarious enough to crap your pants:
Last and by far not least, this retard with freak-tastic choice in apparel. Apparently he’s trying to emulate the cock he must be. I’ll pardon him and probably tattoo a Rants Army shield on his chest simply for creating what could be my personal theme song:
You won’t catch me in a dildo costume, but I’m thinking this will be my ringtone, at a minimum. How perfect is that shit, really? Thank you, Internet, for helping me distract myself from self-harm and worry. Unemployment’s not as bad as it seems.