Three Easy Ways To Fix Being Unemployed

Have you ever been unemployed?  No?  Yes?  Well, for the first time in my life, I am.  Interesting shenanigans going on around here in the DC Metro region, I tell you.  Before you wet yourself, this sounds more dramatic than it actually is at the moment.  That said, shit could head south with a supersonic quickness as well.

This started when my contract (I’m now a contract worker… ex-contract-worker for the Army – go fucking figure, right?) terminated and then lapsed.  First, the company was going to re-bid.  Then they teamed with another company.  Then they withdrew from the team, and Rants did another formal job app.  That company didn’t get the contract, so Rants did yet another job app.

Word is, I’ll be hired.  The question is, when?  We’re waiting for an offer letter now.  Since I saw this coming two months ago, I’ve probably sent out applications for about fifty jobs.  I’ve heard back from this many:  0 (zero).

In the meantime, while I’ve had my phone on Mega-Loud Ring with Earthquake-Vibrate and Satellite Laser Flashing, I’ve had to come up with some creative ways to distract myself from the fact that by definition, I’m unemployed.  The good news here is, they still sell cigarettes and beer to people over 21, so those two staples in Chez Rants have helped keep me from biting my nails down to the knuckle bones.

While I’ve waited for final word, I’ve accomplished a lot.  Now, you need to understand that right at this moment of transition, when I need to distract myself with landscaping in the worst way, it’s raining.  It.  Is.  Raining.  Talk about a giant ‘fuck you, Rants,’ straight to the teeth.  I’m now worrying that this is karma’s way of whispering to me, “You’re soooo fucked, Rants.”

Anyway, I’ve managed to yank out some ivy and rake some stuff.  That’s about it, as far as the outside goes.  Inside, I’ve touched every single piece of paper in our office and sorted it.  Some got burned but the rest of it is neatly filed alphabetically and with color-coded folders.  My desk is uncluttered and dusted, and next up is a sweep and mop of the floor.  After that, I don’t know what I’ll do other than align the toilets.

In my rest periods, I did come across some choice things to pass along to you guys and gals.  First up is some idiot with a Spanish accent who apparently doesn’t know what is up with chiles.  There’s always That Guy.  Enjoy this assclownery, because he deserves this and because schadenfreude:

The next day, I got lucky and found this next clip.  You don’t have to like or understand Electronic Dance Music (EDM) to enjoy this shit.  Because rubber chickens make anything hilarious enough to crap your pants:

Last and by far not least, this retard with freak-tastic choice in apparel.  Apparently he’s trying to emulate the cock he must be.  I’ll pardon him and probably tattoo a Rants Army shield on his chest simply for creating what could be my personal theme song:

You won’t catch me in a dildo costume, but I’m thinking this will be my ringtone, at a minimum.  How perfect is that shit, really?  Thank you, Internet, for helping me distract myself from self-harm and worry.  Unemployment’s not as bad as it seems.

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26 Responses to “Three Easy Ways To Fix Being Unemployed”

  1. Sorry. If my business was making any money, I would hire you.

  2. It’s hard to like something that sucks that much ass, but hey, it’s a vote of support.

  3. You could enjoy a career as a housewife.

  4. Yes, the dichotomy between typhoon-level rain or misting-slightly-but-just-enough-to-soak-your-cotton-blazer is oh so pleasant. Fortunately, I had off today from the internship so I could watch the rainfall from the safety of my cheaper-than-last-year but still absurdly-expensive-because-this-is-the-DC-metro-area-apartment and have I used enough hyphens?

  5. Unemployed too, life of a military spouse…constantly looking for a job. haha Meh…In the meantime there’s a lot of wine in Italy and I have been told some decent food, I’ll work something out or drink a lot of wine n stuff. Maybe both.

  6. Maybe it’s time to drag out that M1A1 that you don’t have, and be owner/operator of Guaranteed-Get-There Limo Service. ‘Need to absolutely, positively get to that important meeting by 9:00 AM? We’ll drive over other limos, and the occasional senator, to deliver you on time.’ 😆
    Best of luck Guy! 😀 It will work out. It’s not the unemployment that kills you. It’s the not knowing.

    • There’s a lot of truth in your comment, to include the limo driver part. If only I had that M1A1.

      • I do have a couple Lee-Enfields you could borrow. Or a VZ24 with a NATO 7.62mm barrel on it – though I like to keep that close for … let’s say, interfacing with the neighbors. (The great part is, most of the Sheriff’s deputies out here know I have a German Mauser, assuming it’s 7.92mm-barrelled. Insert evil laugh here. 😀 )

  7. Actually, being unemployed is a godsend for finding new hobbies. Look at me – I’ve got a 29-year-old car that needs SOME kind of leak plugged on almost a daily basis, I have a collection of fans that died years ago but keep going with lots of disassembly/re-assembly and a few shots of WD-40 and sewing machine oil, and I get to run around the house on an almost hourly basis, carefully co-ordinating which electric appliances are running, because if you run an A/C and a dehumidifier on any one circuit, that circuit immediately blows, requiring a trip to the dungeon and a grope-around for the breaker box. And that doesn’t even include my outings in the pouring rain to reopen the drainage ditches around the house so the basement is only a wading pond and not an Olympic-sized 12-foot deep cat water bowl.

    And there’s always browsing the net for various blogs. I found one recently – some nut from Chicago who likes goats. Proof there are some VERY strange people out here … I mean, out there. 😀

    You still have your woodworking tools, right? Try organising your files different wacky ways, like alphabetical for their numeric length. Or sort your planes by colour, or by sharpness, then randomly sharpen a few and try again. As Spock said, “There are always possibilities.”

    • You need a new house, not new ideas.

      • Okay, if you aren’t domestically reclined, this will keep you busy AND keep up your old Army skills. Go out one moonless night, and swap people’s rear license plates around. If there’s one pain in the butt in the neighborhood, and you need front plates, steal his plate, find somebody who doesn’t really need (or love) their car, bust up the front corner of their car, and leave the prick’s license plate lying in the broken bits.

        Me, I’ve got my old telephone test gear that still works on modern day landlines. I’m gonna dress up like a repairman, go over to the church (whose phone box is nice and easy to get to) and place a 12-hour call to … I don’t know, Abu Dhabi? Just for the heck of it.

        Oh, and I’ve got something better than an M1911. I’ve got a Webley (normally .455 calibre) in 38cal Smith & Wesson. My OTHER stealth gun. ‘Course, swords don’t carry serial numbers, or have unique rifling, or jam or run out of ammo ……

        • So you’re an old-school phreaker

          • Son, I taught the people who became old-school! I actually have a suit of chainmail kicking around the house. A friend of mine once decided to have a medieval themed wedding. Not only was I the ONLY one who didn’t have to rent a single bloody thing, I was promoted from just a guest to door guard – and had more photos taken of me than the bride did! 😀

            Someday, I’ll do a blog entry on the time when our Blakes Seven fan club mind-fucked an entire troop of actors at the Bristol Renaissance Faire in Wisconsin – I armed 8 or 9 folk besides myself, and my wife had enough Renn clothes to fudge costumes for all. (Yes, we were truly meant for each other. 😀 )

          • Maybe open your own shop… or Shoppe.

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