Beating The Odds

If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time and have paid attention, the graphic I found online recently might impress you:

You’ll notice the top six deadliest animals in North America.

1. Deer – No surprise here, if you realize that human deaths result from hitting them, not from blood-crazed psycho deer on multi-county murder sprees. That said, the deadliest animal on this list I have eaten, and done so regularly.
2. Bee/Wasp/Hornet – I mentioned I’ve taken recent hits from a yellow jacket or two. On two successive weekends, I endured the pain and near anaphylactic shock of multiple stings. The second weekend was right on my eyelid.  After looking like Mike Tyson’s sparring partner for a week, I promptly destroyed the nest.  Die, fuckers, die!  One does not fuck with Rants lightly.
3. Dog – Understandable, but I’ve never had issues with dogs. However, given the places in the world I’ve been, the odds are very, very likely that I’ve eaten dog. If so, it must have been pretty tasty.
4. Cow – I don’t engage in cow tipping, but I win in the ‘cow’ category as well because I’ve likely eaten an entire small farm’s worth of cow. It’s what’s for dinner, at least everywhere but Virginia, where beef requires a second mortgage to afford. Since moving here, I’ve switched to the other white meat – pig.  Delicious, tasty pig.
5. Horse – I have survived falling off a horse once, but generally they like me. I have this Zen thing they seem to like. Like dog meat, I’ve probably eaten my share of horse as well.  Again, if that’s the case, I have no complaints.
6. Black Widow – Yes, I’ve survived the Black Widow as well, and to the tune of six bites inflicted at once. Granted, it put me in the hospital and I got a spinal tap from a dude wearing a fez, but the stay was precautionary. Apparently they don’t like the idea of potential meningitis carriers wandering around in public.  I got bored after the headache passed and became a very, very bad patient.  Also, I don’t recommend spinal taps.

So the tally here, in case you’re not paying attention, is that Rants has survived two of six, eaten two for certain, and probably eaten the remaining two.  As for the rest of the list, I’ve eaten rattlesnake, alligator and bear.  Based on all this, I’m self-nominating for North American Pro Predator status.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that I’m claiming to be a badass.  Sorry, like having yet another birthday, this is just straight survival – beating the fucking odds.