Beating The Odds
If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time and have paid attention, the graphic I found online recently might impress you:
You’ll notice the top six deadliest animals in North America.
- Deer – No surprise here, if you realize that human deaths result from hitting them, not from blood-crazed psycho deer on multi-county murder sprees. That said, the deadliest animal on this list I have eaten, and done so regularly.
- Bee/Wasp/Hornet – I mentioned I’ve taken recent hits from a yellow jacket or two. On two successive weekends, I endured the pain and near anaphylactic shock of multiple stings. The second weekend was right on my eyelid. After looking like Mike Tyson’s sparring partner for a week, I promptly destroyed the nest. Die, fuckers, die! One does not fuck with Rants lightly.
- Dog – Understandable, but I’ve never had issues with dogs. However, given the places in the world I’ve been, the odds are very, very likely that I’ve eaten dog. If so, it must have been pretty tasty.
- Cow – I don’t engage in cow tipping, but I win in the ‘cow’ category as well because I’ve likely eaten an entire small farm’s worth of cow. It’s what’s for dinner, at least everywhere but Virginia, where beef requires a second mortgage to afford. Since moving here, I’ve switched to the other white meat – pig. Delicious, tasty pig.
- Horse – I have survived falling off a horse once, but generally they like me. I have this Zen thing they seem to like. Like dog meat, I’ve probably eaten my share of horse as well. Again, if that’s the case, I have no complaints.
- Black Widow – Yes, I’ve survived the Black Widow as well, and to the tune of six bites inflicted at once. Granted, it put me in the hospital and I got a spinal tap from a dude wearing a fez, but the stay was precautionary. Apparently they don’t like the idea of potential meningitis carriers wandering around in public. I got bored after the headache passed and became a very, very bad patient. Also, I don’t recommend spinal taps.
So the tally here, in case you’re not paying attention, is that Rants has survived two of six, eaten two for certain, and probably eaten the remaining two. As for the rest of the list, I’ve eaten rattlesnake, alligator and bear. Based on all this, I’m self-nominating for North American Pro Predator status.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that I’m claiming to be a badass. Sorry, like having yet another birthday, this is just straight survival – beating the fucking odds.
September 25, 2016 at 10:09
People wonder why I’m a cat person,until I show them the facial scars from the mauling.
September 25, 2016 at 10:52
Housecats, tigers or lions?
September 25, 2016 at 11:32
Wife?
September 25, 2016 at 19:44
Like your sofa a whole lot, Shimoniac?
September 25, 2016 at 15:29
Dog mauling, that’s why I’m a cat person.
September 25, 2016 at 19:46
Understood. Cats are awesome. They demand service, ignore you, and only need weekly fecal collection work. Yay!! You’re their STAFF.
September 25, 2016 at 20:48
They’re also self-cleaning, they shit without needing you to handle the warm globs through plastic bags, and they don’t bark.
Still in love.
September 25, 2016 at 22:13
No argument. I don’t like the tickly hair in my nose all day long.
September 25, 2016 at 23:01
https://www.amazon.com/Professional-Resistant-Trimmer-Lifetime-Guarantee/dp/B00E4PMQAO/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1474858841&sr=1-1
September 26, 2016 at 08:23
Or that.
September 25, 2016 at 13:48
Cow tipping is a myth.
September 25, 2016 at 16:49
Unless they give you good service, then it’s 15%. (Ever seen a herd of cows running downhill? That’s worth at LEAST 15%!)
September 25, 2016 at 16:56
I would give 20% to see that
September 25, 2016 at 19:46
WTF has Erickson spawned in comments this time??
September 25, 2016 at 21:07
Only the Shadow knows! Ha, hahahahahahaha!
September 25, 2016 at 22:14
Ugh.
September 25, 2016 at 15:47
Hey, you can eat who … I mean, whatever you want. Just stay out of the goat paddock, or we gonna have trouble. Verstehen sie mich? 😉
You want to impress me? Go get yourself some llama. And screw your list, those bastards are MEAN suckers!
September 25, 2016 at 19:48
Ya, Ich bien understanding-in you. Goat by the way, is fucking delicious. All the flavor of lamb without that greasy bullshit. Watch you herd, Erickson. Watch it closely…
September 25, 2016 at 21:06
Just be sure, if you come hunting, to please stop by the Amish up the hill and kill those GDMFSOB peacocks. If they come down and crap on my sidewalk one more time, I’m gonna open a Kentucky Fried Peacock stand!
And don’t worry, the herd is well protected. Now, if you should miss a shot or two, and blitz the rednecks on the other side of the fence, there’s a 5 pound bag of bacon chunks in it for you. Yes, Amish sell bacon in chunks, in bags, vacuum-sealed and ready to go. I’m really starting to think about going Amish myself – if I can get some Rogaine so my beard wouldn’t look like mange….
September 25, 2016 at 22:14
*scrawls on list…*
*Peacocks… rednecks…*
September 30, 2016 at 02:12
Prioritize your list! I mean, which one can you eat, after you’ve shot it?? 😉
September 30, 2016 at 06:13
Cool thing – humans can eat just about any other animal on this planet, given proper preparation.
October 7, 2016 at 13:51
Llama is Yummy!!
I found a guy that sold the meat from his farm… Bought a whole animal from hair, to soup bones and everything in between… it was worth every penny, but he wasn’t doing it anymore when I went back to do it again and was only selling the meat from the freezer at a price too dear to afford…
October 8, 2016 at 12:48
I would eat llama. Then I’d say, “That was llyummy!”
September 25, 2016 at 19:41
This post reminds me of another I wrote years ago about all the creatures that have bitten my son. I could write an entire blog post just on what he’s done to his knee this past year.
https://heellisgoa.com/2011/10/04/all-about-junior/
September 25, 2016 at 19:50
Since I’ve actually met your son, I cannot hope to equal his awesomehood in terms of inflicted animal/insect/alien insults to the body. In this regard, I am but a padawan. Much to learn, I have.
September 27, 2016 at 08:36
It’s amazing as to how something that looks so harmless could be so deadly. There’s a reason for the expression of “deer with the headlights”
September 27, 2016 at 09:36
Well, either the driver swerves and crashes, or the deer sails through the windshield and crushes the driver. Either way, ouch.
September 28, 2016 at 15:20
I can see how that could happen…
September 29, 2016 at 10:21
Never ends well for anyone involved.