Beating The Odds

If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time and have paid attention, the graphic I found online recently might impress you:


You’ll notice the top six deadliest animals in North America.

  1. Deer – No surprise here, if you realize that human deaths result from hitting them, not from blood-crazed psycho deer on multi-county murder sprees. That said, the deadliest animal on this list I have eaten, and done so regularly.
  2. Bee/Wasp/Hornet – I mentioned I’ve taken recent hits from a yellow jacket or two. On two successive weekends, I endured the pain and near anaphylactic shock of multiple stings. The second weekend was right on my eyelid.  After looking like Mike Tyson’s sparring partner for a week, I promptly destroyed the nest.  Die, fuckers, die!  One does not fuck with Rants lightly.
  3. Dog – Understandable, but I’ve never had issues with dogs. However, given the places in the world I’ve been, the odds are very, very likely that I’ve eaten dog. If so, it must have been pretty tasty.
  4. Cow – I don’t engage in cow tipping, but I win in the ‘cow’ category as well because I’ve likely eaten an entire small farm’s worth of cow. It’s what’s for dinner, at least everywhere but Virginia, where beef requires a second mortgage to afford. Since moving here, I’ve switched to the other white meat – pig.  Delicious, tasty pig.
  5. Horse – I have survived falling off a horse once, but generally they like me. I have this Zen thing they seem to like. Like dog meat, I’ve probably eaten my share of horse as well.  Again, if that’s the case, I have no complaints.
  6. Black Widow – Yes, I’ve survived the Black Widow as well, and to the tune of six bites inflicted at once. Granted, it put me in the hospital and I got a spinal tap from a dude wearing a fez, but the stay was precautionary. Apparently they don’t like the idea of potential meningitis carriers wandering around in public.  I got bored after the headache passed and became a very, very bad patient.  Also, I don’t recommend spinal taps.

So the tally here, in case you’re not paying attention, is that Rants has survived two of six, eaten two for certain, and probably eaten the remaining two.  As for the rest of the list, I’ve eaten rattlesnake, alligator and bear.  Based on all this, I’m self-nominating for North American Pro Predator status.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that I’m claiming to be a badass.  Sorry, like having yet another birthday, this is just straight survival – beating the fucking odds.

30 Responses to “Beating The Odds”

  1. People wonder why I’m a cat person,until I show them the facial scars from the mauling.

  2. Hey, you can eat who … I mean, whatever you want. Just stay out of the goat paddock, or we gonna have trouble. Verstehen sie mich? 😉

    You want to impress me? Go get yourself some llama. And screw your list, those bastards are MEAN suckers!

    • Ya, Ich bien understanding-in you. Goat by the way, is fucking delicious. All the flavor of lamb without that greasy bullshit. Watch you herd, Erickson. Watch it closely…

      • Just be sure, if you come hunting, to please stop by the Amish up the hill and kill those GDMFSOB peacocks. If they come down and crap on my sidewalk one more time, I’m gonna open a Kentucky Fried Peacock stand!

        And don’t worry, the herd is well protected. Now, if you should miss a shot or two, and blitz the rednecks on the other side of the fence, there’s a 5 pound bag of bacon chunks in it for you. Yes, Amish sell bacon in chunks, in bags, vacuum-sealed and ready to go. I’m really starting to think about going Amish myself – if I can get some Rogaine so my beard wouldn’t look like mange….

    • Llama is Yummy!!
      I found a guy that sold the meat from his farm… Bought a whole animal from hair, to soup bones and everything in between… it was worth every penny, but he wasn’t doing it anymore when I went back to do it again and was only selling the meat from the freezer at a price too dear to afford…

  3. This post reminds me of another I wrote years ago about all the creatures that have bitten my son. I could write an entire blog post just on what he’s done to his knee this past year.

    • Since I’ve actually met your son, I cannot hope to equal his awesomehood in terms of inflicted animal/insect/alien insults to the body. In this regard, I am but a padawan. Much to learn, I have.

  4. It’s amazing as to how something that looks so harmless could be so deadly. There’s a reason for the expression of “deer with the headlights”

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