Where Is Rants?
Pardon me while I type and eat some Burrito Lasagna, courtesy of my wife, the tiny lady who’s devoting her life to making me epic fat. Because my portion control issue have absofuckinglutely nothing to bring to this discussion. End paragraph.
I’ve been dark on the net for about a half of a year. Calendar, not fiscal. I know you all have wondered, “Where in the Sam H. Fuck, holy batshit hell is Brainrants?” When you figure that out, please let me know, because the Google isn’t helping me much lately.
The update goes like this, sort of: I’ve been hanging out with Waldo, Carmen Sandiego, and Nemo. They tried to get me to rework my moniker into ‘Brainrantso’ but I told them that was gay and to fuck straight the fuck off. Nuff said.
So here I am, deep – deep – in the world of being a civilian who wears a necktie, pinchy shoes, and a bowel-disrupting narrow-ass belt to work every day. In my current toxic environment, I work with lots of good folks kept down by the Fucking Man all day for their nefarious purpii (plural of ‘purpose’). Fuck them.
Anyway, and you know I always say, ‘anyway,’ I’ve been on a rollercoaster of paychecks-in-the-balance adventures as I acclimatize to my new surroundings. Actually, everyone around me is getting up to speed, but that’s for another day. Maybe six months from now.
In the meantime, I’ve been spending 13+ hours commuting between Monday and Friday (inclusive, you dick), and then killing myself in the yard. This weekend activity has earned me two wasp attacks. The first stingfest should probably have been an ER visit, because anaphylaxis just sucks ass. Also, 240 pounds of Rants meat hitting a floor is dramatic. The second one, my Wolverine immune system showed it’d adapted, so my eye (where the bastard stung) only swelled up to look like I’d lost to Mike Tyson in his prime. Yay, that shit.
Moving on. In lieu of entertaining you on some kind of quasi-daily basis, I’ve put a lot of energy into my fiction writing in the past six months. In fact, this year I’ve tapped out (as opposed to rubbed out) over 300-thousand words, and surpassed the 1.5-million-word mark since 2012. Call me Stephen.
I’ve submitted a short to a major SF mag, and I have a query in with an agent now. If you don’t like Sci Fi, you can exhale dramatically now and go:
“AwwwwwwwwwwwfuckyouBrainRantsyoufuckingdickwadbeachballhead.”
Works for me, too. Just try it. BTW, I didn’t try to make that fit in the theme’s width space.
So that’s my update. Here in my… uhm… (uses fingers) fifth (?) year of blogging, albeit sporadic. At least you won’t be interrupted by a flight and shit to Afghanistan… right?
August 8, 2016 at 22:10
Burrito Lasagna sounds awesome.
August 8, 2016 at 22:33
What, no nutcrushing sarcasm and irony? You must be tired as fuck.
August 9, 2016 at 10:49
Ugh. I am. Work sucks ass.
August 9, 2016 at 13:15
I recently returned to the blogosphere after (two? three?) years absent. I also must admit my fiction writing hit a snag this summer due to a research methods/statistics graduate course which has sapped my will to write for fun.
Long story short: I feel your pain (both your pain).
Also: hi.
August 9, 2016 at 14:54
HI!!! I’ve missed you! (In a mom sort of way- not a creepy Mrs. Robinson). Do you eat carbs yet? ‘Cause I can bring you some Burrito Lasagna if you do.
August 9, 2016 at 18:54
Yeah, not creepy at all…
August 9, 2016 at 18:54
Another fine example of a total writing bone-killer. Give it time.
August 9, 2016 at 19:01
My one undergrad adviser advised me (ha) he wasn’t able to enjoy reading or writing for fun until after he completed his dissertation. Which doesn’t quite inspire hope for the next few years if I do end up getting into law school.
August 9, 2016 at 19:28
Comics?
August 10, 2016 at 02:16
If you can’t send me some FedEx Overnight, could you at least fax me the recipe? I’m sure Shimoniac would love it – ghost pepper sauce and all. 😉
August 10, 2016 at 07:38
Absolutely!
August 10, 2016 at 13:31
Oh, Yum, Yum! 😀
August 10, 2016 at 14:10
😀
August 9, 2016 at 18:53
Always a cockblock. Do you have to wear pinchy-ass shoes too?
August 9, 2016 at 19:00
Last fall yes. I’m anticipating wearing of the pinchy-ass shoes come fall when classes start back up again.v
August 9, 2016 at 19:01
College = sneakers.
August 9, 2016 at 19:02
Grad school = dress shoes (or at least Sperry’s)
August 9, 2016 at 19:29
Sperry’s are cool. Or some ’70s zip-n-go’s.
August 8, 2016 at 22:55
Wife???
August 9, 2016 at 07:53
Yes, in all of her tiny glory.
August 9, 2016 at 00:24
Thanks for the update. Happy Blogversary. Good luck with your scifi deal with the mag. Boo for being stung by the wasps.
August 9, 2016 at 07:53
They will die, these wasps.
August 9, 2016 at 02:32
Did the wasps linger for a few days in excruciating agony before dying? 😛
August 9, 2016 at 07:54
No, because I retrieved my WD40 and cigarette lighter immediately and burned the fuck out of them.
August 12, 2016 at 08:05
Because fire…
August 12, 2016 at 08:13
Precisely.
August 9, 2016 at 04:38
Crawling out of the woodwork must be a recent trend. Your wife sounds nice.
I need a burrito Lasagna recipe from her though. I might know where to look.
August 9, 2016 at 07:55
It’s very simple to make. I recommend slathering it with ghost pepper sauce.
August 9, 2016 at 07:59
I’ve never had a burrito and I don’t know anything about ghost pepper sauce ahaha
August 9, 2016 at 08:06
🌯 There you go.
Caution with the ghost pepper sauce… it can cause rectal fire.
August 9, 2016 at 08:10
I will give it a try 😀
August 9, 2016 at 08:11
Awesome!
August 9, 2016 at 08:25
Well, there you are. How about that.
August 9, 2016 at 09:14
Here I am, yes. And I must say it’s great to still be here.
August 9, 2016 at 19:02
Congrats on the wedding! Did I miss that? So glad to hear you are pushing yourself out there with a writing gig! I submitted something to Huffpost yesterday. Scary stuff, but exciting. 🙂
August 9, 2016 at 19:28
Sweet! Good luck with that.
August 10, 2016 at 16:08
‘deep – in the world of being a civilian who wears a necktie, pinchy shoes, and a bowel-disrupting narrow-ass belt to work every day’
Horrid, but I laughed. Out loud. Had to tell, since this is a space of honesty and all.
Glad to have you back, man! Missed you! And don’t be holding back on all that writing … love science fiction, need to read yours!
August 10, 2016 at 19:39
It is horrid! Every man you see in “business attire” is silently crying inside.
August 11, 2016 at 18:36
Sup, fucker!
I haven’t been around much, either. This is the first time I’ve even read blogs in weeks. With all the election bullshit I’ve been avoiding the nets as much as possible. It’s a perpetual tidal wave a stupidity out there.
And congrats on all the writing! I wish I had that kind of determination.
August 11, 2016 at 19:26
Thanks, dude! Yeah, I’m anti-election as well. We have to pick the least-worst asshat.
August 12, 2016 at 08:21
I heard a story about a guy in NY City being accosted at gunpoint. The gun man asked, “Trump or Clinton? I said Trump or Clinton, dude.” Dude looks back at him and says, “Kill me now.” 😀 :p
August 12, 2016 at 08:30
Which summarizes my position in this election perfectly.
August 12, 2016 at 02:22
Don’t sweat the Burrito-Lasagna recipe. I told the wife about it, and she said, “Oh yeah, I have that.” AND! SHE! DIDN’T! TELL! ME??! 😉 😕
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 😯
August 12, 2016 at 05:04
Maybe she knows how you ‘react’ to beans.
August 12, 2016 at 08:18
The neighbours know how he reacts to beans.
August 12, 2016 at 08:29
Probably the entire region…
August 12, 2016 at 13:02
😳
August 12, 2016 at 13:10
🙂
August 12, 2016 at 18:21
Glad you’re still with us…seems many of us aren’t doing much writing…or reading. You’ll let us know when your book is out? 🙂
August 12, 2016 at 18:38
IF that ever happens, of course.
August 16, 2016 at 16:59
Pinchy shoes? Not ideal. Just a day job until the books (optimistically there will be another best seller after this) hit Amazon.
Hey dreams keep us alive, right?
Great you’re back even if only now and then. Real lifeis, well, more real.
(Growing up dad fought wasps repeatedly. By pitching jars of gasoline on the nests which stuns them then the kids stomp the ones on the ground. Mom used to get mad saying one day we’d set the house/garage on fire. Oh, a note, sometimes a wasp would escape the initial pitch of gas and it would always find my mom and sting her….just a warning should you adopt this method)
August 16, 2016 at 22:31
The nest is too close to a 10-year-old wood fence, so no gas, though I did WD40 and lighter the fuck outta the nest. As for writing… I’m waiting on word from the first agency… on a list of many… anticipating the usual 210 rejections before fame.
August 17, 2016 at 10:01
Crap. 210? They told me not to worry, it was 495.
August 17, 2016 at 16:47
Looks like I’ll have to lengthen my list.
October 8, 2016 at 17:17
[…] I got a lot done, and in that time, there’s of course a story. I’ll preface it with the reference to my two-weekend, wasp-sting experience where I “discovered” a yellow jacket ground nest while pulling out some ivy from my […]