Where Is Rants?

Pardon me while I type and eat some Burrito Lasagna, courtesy of my wife, the tiny lady who’s devoting her life to making me epic fat.  Because my portion control issue have absofuckinglutely nothing to bring to this discussion.  End paragraph.

I’ve been dark on the net for about a half of a year.  Calendar, not fiscal.  I know you all have wondered, “Where in the Sam H. Fuck, holy batshit hell is Brainrants?”  When you figure that out, please let me know, because the Google isn’t helping me much lately.

The update goes like this, sort of:  I’ve been hanging out with Waldo, Carmen Sandiego, and Nemo.  They tried to get me to rework my moniker into ‘Brainrantso’ but I told them that was gay and to fuck straight the fuck off.  Nuff said.

So here I am, deep – deep – in the world of being a civilian who wears a necktie, pinchy shoes, and a bowel-disrupting narrow-ass belt to work every day.  In my current toxic environment, I work with lots of good folks kept down by the Fucking Man all day for their nefarious purpii (plural of ‘purpose’).  Fuck them.

Anyway, and you know I always say, ‘anyway,’ I’ve been on a rollercoaster of paychecks-in-the-balance adventures as I acclimatize to my new surroundings.  Actually, everyone around me is getting up to speed, but that’s for another day.  Maybe six months from now.

In the meantime, I’ve been spending 13+ hours commuting between Monday and Friday (inclusive, you dick), and then killing myself in the yard.  This weekend activity has earned me two wasp attacks.  The first stingfest should probably have been an ER visit, because anaphylaxis just sucks ass.  Also, 240 pounds of Rants meat hitting a floor is dramatic.  The second one, my Wolverine immune system showed it’d adapted, so my eye (where the bastard stung) only swelled up to look like I’d lost to Mike Tyson in his prime.  Yay, that shit.

Moving on.  In lieu of entertaining you on some kind of quasi-daily basis, I’ve put a lot of energy into my fiction writing in the past six months.  In fact, this year I’ve tapped out (as opposed to rubbed out) over 300-thousand words, and surpassed the 1.5-million-word mark since 2012.  Call me Stephen.

I’ve submitted a short to a major SF mag, and I have a query in with an agent now.  If you don’t like Sci Fi, you can exhale dramatically now and go:

AwwwwwwwwwwwfuckyouBrainRantsyoufuckingdickwadbeachballhead.”

Works for me, too.  Just try it.  BTW, I didn’t try to make that fit in the theme’s width space.

So that’s my update.  Here in my… uhm… (uses fingers) fifth (?) year of blogging, albeit sporadic.  At least you won’t be interrupted by a flight and shit to Afghanistan… right?

 

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55 Responses to “Where Is Rants?”

  1. Burrito Lasagna sounds awesome.

  2. Thanks for the update. Happy Blogversary. Good luck with your scifi deal with the mag. Boo for being stung by the wasps.

  3. Did the wasps linger for a few days in excruciating agony before dying? 😛

  4. Crawling out of the woodwork must be a recent trend. Your wife sounds nice.

    I need a burrito Lasagna recipe from her though. I might know where to look.

  5. I’ve never had a burrito and I don’t know anything about ghost pepper sauce ahaha

  6. I will give it a try 😀

  7. Well, there you are. How about that.

  8. Congrats on the wedding! Did I miss that? So glad to hear you are pushing yourself out there with a writing gig! I submitted something to Huffpost yesterday. Scary stuff, but exciting. 🙂

  9. ‘deep – in the world of being a civilian who wears a necktie, pinchy shoes, and a bowel-disrupting narrow-ass belt to work every day’

    Horrid, but I laughed. Out loud. Had to tell, since this is a space of honesty and all.

    Glad to have you back, man! Missed you! And don’t be holding back on all that writing … love science fiction, need to read yours!

  10. Sup, fucker!

    I haven’t been around much, either. This is the first time I’ve even read blogs in weeks. With all the election bullshit I’ve been avoiding the nets as much as possible. It’s a perpetual tidal wave a stupidity out there.

    And congrats on all the writing! I wish I had that kind of determination.

  11. Don’t sweat the Burrito-Lasagna recipe. I told the wife about it, and she said, “Oh yeah, I have that.” AND! SHE! DIDN’T! TELL! ME??! 😉 😕
    The beatings will continue until morale improves. 😯

  12. Glad you’re still with us…seems many of us aren’t doing much writing…or reading. You’ll let us know when your book is out? 🙂

  13. Pinchy shoes? Not ideal. Just a day job until the books (optimistically there will be another best seller after this) hit Amazon.
    Hey dreams keep us alive, right?
    Great you’re back even if only now and then. Real lifeis, well, more real.
    (Growing up dad fought wasps repeatedly. By pitching jars of gasoline on the nests which stuns them then the kids stomp the ones on the ground. Mom used to get mad saying one day we’d set the house/garage on fire. Oh, a note, sometimes a wasp would escape the initial pitch of gas and it would always find my mom and sting her….just a warning should you adopt this method)

  14. […] I got a lot done, and in that time, there’s of course a story.  I’ll preface it with the reference to my two-weekend, wasp-sting experience where I “discovered” a yellow jacket ground nest while pulling out some ivy from my […]

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