Retardidment: The Medical Shit

Yes, I’m still alive.  Some of you lame songwriter hopefuls might be disappointed in this news, but there you go.  I’ve given you two posts prior to this on the topic of my retirement.  If you’re mildly curious, go here.  After that, go here.  Thanks.  For entertainment and shit, go here.

A huge part of retiring from the military after over two decades is the long, torturous process of everything that has to do with medical stuff.  Again, like I mentioned, this is a DIY effort, so don’t look at the asshole in scrubs.  It’s up to me, people.  The key here, of course, is documenting problems.  Those will lead to disability, which in English means, monthly check that’s tax-free.

My typical medical experience

My typical medical experience

This started with the glorious retirement physical.  Now, since the military medical system was the better option once considered as the model for Obamacare, nothing fucking works right.  I scheduled my appointment for the physical, only to find out the Pentagon clinic I was assigned to didn’t do retirement physicals.  No problem, I just changed my PCM (doctor).  That allowed a lot of time off from The Building, so I won that round.

Of course, they drained a gallon of blood, x-rayed the shit out of my upper body, and took random samples and scrapings.  They sent me on my way without any further guidance or advice, of course.  I’m obviously supposed to know how to do a job someone in the Army performs only once in a career, right?

After that, it was a waiting game.  Three months passed, and I got pissed and called about my results.  The clerk had no idea that BrainRants was calling.  Of course I had to have some fun.

Me: “I need to get my follow-up for retirement.”

Clerk: “Okay, Sir, when can you come in?”

Me: “That’s problematic.  I have to beat three people next week.  And with this follow-up, I’ve been saving all my piss and shit for analysis.”

Clerk: “Uhm…”

Me: “Yeah, literally no shit.  I arranged a U-Haul trailer.  Can the doctor meet me at the back of the hospital where you guys take in supplies?”

Clerk: “But…”

Me: “Oh, reminds me.  I have a tub of semen samples, too.  Can I just bring that along as well?”

Nope. Just nope. Fuck you.

Nope. Just nope. Fuck you.

All of my asshattery aside, it all comes down to documenting shit that’s wrong with you as-of the time you get out.  Recall: check, tax-free.  I’ll have to arrange that through a series of appointments myself, of course.  That, and my family’s continued health care.  More appointments on my time and my dime.

I have admit, though, that after 23 years of a career filled with activities that should be labelled, “do not try at home,” I’m in remarkably great shape.  No meds, no prosthetics, and no ongoing brain-butcher (psychiatrist) time.  The doc was shocked I’m not on any long-term medication.  Why not?  Everything works just fine, mainly.

Before I left, though, I mentioned that I needed a prescription for Coors Light…

38 Responses to “Retardidment: The Medical Shit”

  1. You need to find a way for them to prescribe you a tank.

  2. Sounds pretty typical for the third largest bureaucracy in the world…. Also sounds like you were in long enough to figure out which strings to pull when action is required from them.
    Congrats on your upcoming separation….

    gigoid, an army brat….

  3. Appropriate selection of images for the post.
    All the waiting? Just getting you ready for life outside with customer service for anything: they make it as difficult as possible in the hopes you’ll get discouraged and just go away. Win (for them)-Lose (for you)
    We’ll all celebrate with that prescription of Coors light after all this is completed…well, some say they are doing practice celebrations now – practice makes perfect.

  4. You’d never get a script for Coor’s Lite, that’s considered an OTC (over the counter) med. 😛

  5. hacheetahmarie Says:

    Hi guys! I am new here. Help me out. Thanks!

  6. Oh man, I would pay BIG money to watch you being run through a psych exam, ink blots and all. Maybe we could schedule one where we’re both being tested at the same time? There’s gotta be at LEAST a half-dozen conditions we could get named after us. 😀

    And if you’re still looking into that tank thing, I know where there’s a sweet M5 Stuart, along with a nice M3 halftrack for … um … cargo. Twin Cadillac V-8s for the Stuart – so dang smooth and quiet, you can stand behind it and not know it’s running. (I speak from experience.) Most fun we had with that thing was when we appeared at a county fair with a tractor-pull contest. Nobody else got the weight to the end of the run, so we hooked up the Stuart, and proceeded to not only run the whole length, but overshot the end by over 100′ before we could get through to the driver to stop. Damn near flattened a bunch of hick pickups in the process. Now THAT woulda been entertainment!

    • If only it were an Abrams.

      • Naw, I think it was the fact that the brand new, hot-rodded tractors with all the superchargers, nitrous, and chrome got their butts kicked by (at the time) 50+ year-old Army surplus. As for your use of it, ya gotta admit, an M5 is a LOT easier to park than an Abrams – assuming you don’t just park on top of what was already there. 😉

        • Granted, but caliber counts for a lot.

          • You do know that if a 37mm doesn’t blow yer skirt up, there was a 75mm howitzer option? (Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s still shy of 120mm – though the 37mm is calibre 53 in length, while your Kraut gun is only calibre 44 in length.) Me, I kinda like the 37mm with it’s canister ammo – 122 5/8″ steel ball bearings, fired shotgun style. I’d LOVE to see that round used on a modern car – instant confetti! 😀

          • They re-introduced that type of round for the 120 smoothbore. Awesome.

          • Is the round true canister shot, or beehive (flechette)? I thought it was the later, but I gotta admit, I’m not as sharp on modern-day rounds as I am on old-timey stuff. My favourite old-school round – chain shot, used in muzzle-loader shipboard cannon to take out rigging. Nasty stuff when used anti-personnel. Bar shot was also weird, but not as good. Maybe the Army needs to look at old Navy ammo? Betcha new-tech chain shot would work wonders as anti-air ammo for the main gun, at least until they figure out how to miniaturise Phalanx for a turret-mount AAA.

          • It’s just shot, but nicknamed ‘beehive.’

  7. Now that you’re retired, time to put up a PayPal “Donate” button on your blog to help cover the costs of Coors Light therapy. *grin*

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