Retardidment

I’ve obviously not been posting regularly, even on Long Awkward Pause where I collaborate and contribute.  I’m just about in hot water with them over that but I think I’m dog paddling very well.

This post is an announcement of sorts… I’m retiring.  I’m retiring from the military, the Army.  Not from blogging – no sir.  I was selected by my Army to retire early and basically… to go the fuck away.  Such is life, and such are the economics of HR considerations.  Fuck me.  Straight up the butt.  Hard.  Honestly, I’m not ready to put the uniform on a back hangar.  Not that I have a choice.

Anyway, I’ve been involved in getting out of our Army for the last five months.  This task has become a full-time job for which I’m paid no extra, and only up until a certain date.  That would be my retirement date, later this year.

The shitty thing about military retirement is this: nobody gives fuck-one about you.  Finding out information about post-service life is like searching our living world for real truth about the afterlife.  You can’t learn about it because the people you have to ask are pretty much dead.

So now that this concept is out there for you, I’ll break down the three major elements of what I’m currently going through, all at once by the way.  I have to deal with Army requirements, Army medical processing for retirement, and finding a goddamn job.  The last category there has occupied most of my time up until now, because a muhfuckah want his rent money and shit.

There are three significant lines of effort you must follow when retiring yourself from military service.  The first is the medical portion, where you establish and document your broken and weak-ass parts in the hope of getting money for it later.  That’s called disability, and it’s a crap-shoot done with the VA.  We all know how efficient those bubbas are.

The second groups the Army-mandated things you must do.  That means a lot of pointless briefings about how “You’re facing a significant life-change…”  Afterward, I was expecting scented candles and a handy-J, but no luck.  I also have to hand back a massive pile of equipment in three different types of camouflage pattern.

Last, the exiting Army person has to – on his or her own recognizance – seek and find a job that will A) Pay the rent; B) buy minor shit like food; C) make an awesome Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving time.  This task alone has occupied most of my waking hours lately.  Even near D.C., a job-rich environment, this is real work.

This is not the first and only post on this. This has given me plenty to rant about.  My strategy is to distribute my thoughts here across the three main areas that I’ve been dealing with.  Like I said, it’s a full-time job.  That, and on my offtime, alone, practice knotting a fucking tie.

Bafflement Illustrated

Goddamn ties, goddamn it.

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42 Responses to “Retardidment”

  1. I’d suggest applying for a job as a greeter at Walmart if you weren’t so damn surly.

  2. Good luck with the job hunting…and the tie thing.

  3. I have a pretty vivid imagination, as you well know. I can picture about anything – except you in a suit and tie. Well, that, and Donald Trump saying something that actually makes sense. No, I have to take that back – at least I CAN get some image of you in a suit and tie.

    And might I suggest clip-on ties? Seriously, and no insult intended, there ain’t a job I can conceive you going for where a clip-on would be any kind of detriment. ( I know you have the brains and talent. I just can’t picture you sitting in on a conference call, for hours at a time, in an office tower somewhere, without eventually detonating at the concentrated stupidity like an H-bomb! 😉 )

    • Yeah, I know. Though I’ve sat on conference calls in uniform, and without detonating… too badly.

      • Just a thought – would you fit into a 42 regular suitcoat and 38 waist pants? I’ve got 2 or 3 suits from my work days. Very good quality, didn’t wear the suitcoats for more than about 18 months total, did use the pants more but they’re still in good nick. I’d offer you ties, as well, but I gloried in my … shall we say, unusual sense of taste, so most of the ties are either silly, hideous, or in many cases, both. (Though I have a Stooges tie, if you ever need to make a “formal” statement. 😀 ) Besides, I only have 4 that are good silk (the rest are nylon), and I can’t part with them for … um …. well, I still use ’em, and the wife wouldn’t want me to get rid of them. You know…. 😉

  4. Doing instructional drawings … now there’s a job often done badly!

  5. Wish I could help more than just saying I wish I could help more.

  6. Good luck, Rants. Job searching blows.

  7. Sucks dude. What did you do to piss the brass off? Did you rudely say things that make sense? You wouldn’t be first who was “invited to retire” after applying actual logic to a problem. I hope the job hunt goes well. You’ll soon realize that a tie is nothing more than a glorified slip-knot, roughly akin to a dog’s choke chain.

  8. You’re showing your age. Ties aren’t the norm they used to be. It’s not impossible, but not like in the old days. I rarely see ties at the office anymore.

    Is your email somewhere I could find it? If not, mine’s on my gravatar page. I’ve written résumés professionally for ten years. Thousands of them, including hundreds of transition résumés. I’d be glad to give yours a going over if you think it would help.

  9. During 25 years of being a cube-drone, I relied on clip-on ties. They’re hard to find, and a bit low-brow for any position you’d fill.
    I recently saw a photo of an impressive, bald, banker-ly gentleman c/w jacket, shirt, and spiffy tie. I worried that you were the victim of identity theft. 😉

  10. That fucking sucks. Loyalty is synonymous with shove it deeper up the anal cavity because..can. Why bother being loyal…oh yeah cause engrained. Best to you.

    • Yeah, understanding why doesn’t always help.

      • Understood. My company is hiring. I think you would do well in the business world, as much as you might/would not think it? not like it. You’d have to work with me though, ick, because I’m a pitbull….To your response up above, business needs you even though it wouldn’t know what struck it. As said, best to you. Please keep us all posted. Thank you. LJ

  11. Living where I do, I seem to be surrounded by military contractors (retired military working for the military). Why not sell over priced ash trays to the military?

  12. Big organization are like steam rollers – if you fall down, it keeps rolling right over you without a glance back.
    Real kick in the gut.
    Like Kathleen says, military contractors and your ‘high-tch toilet seat…There may be a new career path for stupid blimp recovery before long…that or shot down drones?

  13. […] mentioned here recently that I’m retiring from the military.  I promised to write something entertaining about the […]

  14. […] given you two posts prior to this on the topic of my retirement.  If you’re mildly curious, go here.  After that, go here.  Thanks.  For entertainment and shit, go […]

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