Awesome Texts That I Got – 1.0

Hi there.  Wut r u doing?  LOL.  No, the rest of this will not go on in some inane parody of our lovely, emerging youth who text one another constantly in a language I cannot understand.  This series aims to capture some of the more epic text messages I’ve received.  The list has been building for a while.  All names, phone numbers and major carriers’ identities have been removed to prevent anyone from suing my sorry ass.  My responses are included.  Enjoy.

Elvis

Irrelevant Elvis himself

 

Irrelevant Elvis cares not for your tidings.

— Behold the field in which I grow my fucks, and thou shalt see that it is barren, and without fucks.

 

If you opened up a restaurant, what would you name it?

— Eat Me

 

Please bring a bucket or big bowl when you come to bed.

— Someone’s gettin’ lucky!  I hope…

 

I like chestnuts.

— I like specialty hardware.

 

BUTTERMILK!!

6698674932fc7e89cdd20073a6891a0b37cf55853fad7c3fc6aa434508e892ad_large

This picture, no text, no explanation. Because Neil DeGrasse Tyson rocks.

— FUCK YEAH!! BACON TOO!!

 

Cheese grater

— I’ll see your cheese grater and raise you a microplane.

 

When a set of conjoined twins fight, do they fight themselves or each other?

— Yes and no.

 

I wonder what Freud would say about my love of squid and octopi.

— He’d say you’re one of those Japanese addicted to tentacle porn… what are you doing right now?

 

I want to add a wood-burning oven to our kitchen.  Just saying.

— For burning witches, right?  I’m down.

 

If we ever take a plane ride longer than two hours, it will need to be at night and I will need to be sedated.

— Make sure they have me stowed in the cargo hold first, please.

 

Hope you enjoyed this walk on the bizarre side.  I’ll keep collecting them.

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34 Responses to “Awesome Texts That I Got – 1.0”

  1. I wish my texts were as interesting.

  2. These are fairly normal but will keep reading. I got one the other day that asked what my blood type was…the joys of texting…autocorrect still recognizes it as “testing”…get with the program autocorrect.

  3. You know some strange people, Rants.

  4. Aha! Now I understand H.E.’s post…. and, the text about the conjoined twins becomes a metaphorical selfie for both of y’all…

    😆

    Way cool, to have someone who can echo your echoes….

    gigoid, the dubious….

    😎

  5. *obstinately not liking this post cuz you want to burn witches

  6. Damn. You get way cooler texts than us that’s for sure. Hey sorry not trying to self-advertise on your blog, but we’ve got a few new posts on the military that we wanted to get your opinion on. If you are so inclined, give em a gander.

  7. Can I steal your friends? They seem far more interesting than mine.

  8. The ‘behold the field in which I grow my fucks’ text had me rolling that was brilliant

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