Shit I Said Out Loud #10
Oh. Yeah hi there. It’s been a while (since my time in Kharjackistan) since I’ve posted an official Shit I Said Out Loud. Pardon the interruption, but I’ve had some shit going on, and I can’t even figure out how to use the word ‘literally’ here to make this opening sound more emphatic for the Millennials who tolerate my insipid shit online. Oh well. The point is about amusement, right? Rock on, y’alls, and check this out:
“My brain is an amusement park without a fence.”
“We can’t do it that way because it makes too much sense.”
“I’ll never cook as well as Mario Batali because my second toe is longer than my big toe so I can’t wear Crocs.”
“Can I fucking go home and get drunk now?”
“You have no idea how hard it is being me.”
“I want to be Sam Elliott when I grow up.”
“I would settle for coming back as Sam Elliott’s fucking mustache in my next worthless life.”
“It’s a bad sign when you need to take a dump at 10PM.”
“I’m not a silver fox. I am a fat, bald middle-aged guy.”
“Boobs, much like bacon, are their own justification.”
At some point, I will have more. In spite of my decreasing level of Rantiness due to blissful marriage, I will inevitably come up with shit that cannot not be put up online for your coffee-through-your-nostrils enjoyable event(s). Word.
January 10, 2015 at 07:58
Lol nice, made my day x.x.!
January 10, 2015 at 13:16
Awesome! Thanks!
January 10, 2015 at 09:27
Haha. Second I’m the list is a staple out my mouth. These are great. Congrats on the marriage. Aren’t you glad you didn’t chop off that finger?
January 10, 2015 at 13:18
I sort of did chop off part of a finger on that hand…
January 10, 2015 at 17:37
I know you did. I pay attention… It wasn’t that finger and now you can still wear a ring. Something in me knew you would find love. I’m happy for you.
January 10, 2015 at 18:40
Yay me!
January 10, 2015 at 18:51
Yes, yay you. I fucking hope this one works out.
January 10, 2015 at 21:53
I fucking do too.
January 10, 2015 at 22:37
It fucking will.
January 11, 2015 at 05:46
I fucking know.
January 11, 2015 at 18:47
It fucking better. I sent you an email…over.
January 11, 2015 at 18:48
Been away from email all day… out.
January 11, 2015 at 19:37
Well then it will be there when you return…out.
January 11, 2015 at 19:44
🙂
January 10, 2015 at 09:34
Rants, you’ve just made my week. The job I’ve been working on at work for the last few days is cursed. Thinking of using some of these has given me back my will to live. 😀
January 10, 2015 at 13:18
Use them freely.
January 10, 2015 at 12:37
Once Kharjackistan enters through those momentarily unguarded orifices, it never leaves. I’m sure the latent effects will be utterances of pure gold tinged with the inner sounds that resemble prayers at dusk issuing forth from unseemly locations in the mind. Hopefully, the VA won’t interfere because I want to read more. 🙂
January 10, 2015 at 13:19
I aim to please, but I will not be singing these in Urdu at any time in the future.
January 10, 2015 at 17:14
I’ve got Sam Elliott’s mustache in my contacts. I’ll hook ya up.
January 10, 2015 at 18:13
That would be itchy on your eyeballs.
January 10, 2015 at 18:32
Once I got this I laughed my ASS off!
January 10, 2015 at 18:34
I’m here all night.. 😀
January 10, 2015 at 18:40
I always knew you writer people were hooked up.
January 10, 2015 at 18:13
I’ll never truly understand the awesomeness that is Sam Elliott. His voice, his attitude, his manliness. The man is a sexy beast, I’d totally tap that.
Grats on the marriage thing, may your soon to be wife remain loving, patient and supportive of your military career until you decide to move on from it. Oh and keep her away from gossipy bitchy military spouse groups. 😀
January 10, 2015 at 18:18
Wait, did you get married or getting married?
January 10, 2015 at 18:42
Got.
January 10, 2015 at 18:46
Grats!
January 10, 2015 at 21:52
Thanks!
January 10, 2015 at 18:42
Sadly, I’ll never come close to Mr. Elliott in any way. The good news is, there’s no interest in the spouse groups on this end.
January 10, 2015 at 19:24
The first one pretty well says everything.
January 10, 2015 at 21:53
Kinda does explain shit, huh?
January 10, 2015 at 23:33
Hahaha love it, and I’ve definitely used No. 2 more times than I can count
January 11, 2015 at 05:47
Mix and match and try them all!
January 11, 2015 at 10:02
Hehe, kick ass! I’ve said #4 more times than I can be arsed remembering.
January 11, 2015 at 18:46
Arsed? Try to avoid that, if I’m understanding that correctly. Just saying.
January 11, 2015 at 11:31
Congrats on your marriage! May it be forever blissful.
January 11, 2015 at 18:46
Blissful now, and if I have any say, will forever be that way. Thank you, M.
January 11, 2015 at 19:03
I believe it.
You’re welcome.
January 11, 2015 at 20:36
🙂
January 12, 2015 at 16:00
Wha??? You got married? Damn, see what happens when I disappear for a bit?
January 12, 2015 at 21:01
So… don’t disappear I guess.
January 14, 2015 at 08:40
Hmmmm….I never thought about it like that.
January 14, 2015 at 09:29
Choices…
February 2, 2015 at 07:03
Reblogged this on My Sharing Blog.
February 2, 2015 at 11:44
Thanks for the reblog!
February 5, 2015 at 17:32
Major props for the Crocs joke–love it!!
February 5, 2015 at 18:02
Thanks! Mario is a food genius!
April 8, 2015 at 01:55
Blissful marriage? Better be careful – you might get too mellow!
April 8, 2015 at 05:15
Me? Mellow?