Shit I Said Out Loud #10

Oh.  Yeah hi there.  It’s been a while (since my time in Kharjackistan) since I’ve posted an official Shit I Said Out Loud.  Pardon the interruption, but I’ve had some shit going on, and I can’t even figure out how to use the word ‘literally’ here to make this opening sound more emphatic for the Millennials who tolerate my insipid shit online.   Oh well. The point is about amusement, right?   Rock on, y’alls, and check this out:

“My brain is an amusement park without a fence.”

“We can’t do it that way because it makes too much sense.”

“I’ll never cook as well as Mario Batali because my second toe is longer than my big toe so I can’t wear Crocs.”

“Can I fucking go home and get drunk now?”

“You have no idea how hard it is being me.”

“I want to be Sam Elliott when I grow up.”

“I would settle for coming back as Sam Elliott’s fucking mustache in my next worthless life.”

“It’s a bad sign when you need to take a dump at 10PM.”

“I’m not a silver fox.  I am a fat, bald middle-aged guy.”

“Boobs, much like bacon, are their own justification.”

At some point, I will have more.  In spite of my decreasing level of Rantiness due to blissful marriage, I will inevitably come up with shit that cannot not be put up online for your coffee-through-your-nostrils enjoyable event(s).  Word.

 

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49 Responses to “Shit I Said Out Loud #10”

  1. MariahPotter Says:

    Lol nice, made my day x.x.!

  2. Haha. Second I’m the list is a staple out my mouth. These are great. Congrats on the marriage. Aren’t you glad you didn’t chop off that finger?

  3. Rants, you’ve just made my week. The job I’ve been working on at work for the last few days is cursed. Thinking of using some of these has given me back my will to live. 😀

  4. Randstein Says:

    Once Kharjackistan enters through those momentarily unguarded orifices, it never leaves. I’m sure the latent effects will be utterances of pure gold tinged with the inner sounds that resemble prayers at dusk issuing forth from unseemly locations in the mind. Hopefully, the VA won’t interfere because I want to read more. 🙂

  5. I’ve got Sam Elliott’s mustache in my contacts. I’ll hook ya up.

  6. I’ll never truly understand the awesomeness that is Sam Elliott. His voice, his attitude, his manliness. The man is a sexy beast, I’d totally tap that.

    Grats on the marriage thing, may your soon to be wife remain loving, patient and supportive of your military career until you decide to move on from it. Oh and keep her away from gossipy bitchy military spouse groups. 😀

  7. The first one pretty well says everything.

  8. Hahaha love it, and I’ve definitely used No. 2 more times than I can count

  9. Hehe, kick ass! I’ve said #4 more times than I can be arsed remembering.

  10. Congrats on your marriage! May it be forever blissful.

  11. Wha??? You got married? Damn, see what happens when I disappear for a bit?

  12. Major props for the Crocs joke–love it!!

  13. Blissful marriage? Better be careful – you might get too mellow!

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