Winter Fucking Sucks Again
When I unassed Kansas to relocate to Virginia I fostered a dim hope that getting out of the Midwest (a.k.a., Canada’s Cold Air Bowling Alley) would offer some relief in the winter. After all, being near large bodies of water like the Atlantic fucking ocean are supposed to mellow that shit out. Being near a source of hot gas like Congress ought to help too.
No such luck. Like Kansas, Virginia gets just enough winter weather to keep people dumb and unskilled when it comes to snow and ice. This means nobody plans ahead for the inevitable snow by doing bright things like alerting salt trucks and plows. Also, they could have shut down D.C. for a day and nobody would have noticed except for the lack of hot gas jets.
My Monday started on time at 6:03 AM when the express bus skidded up to my stop. I unpacked my book and ignored everyone around me. Then everything went straight to hell. Here’s a rough itinerary of my day:
6:20 – Bus grinds to a stop behind idiot Virginians panicking as they spin in circles on untreated roads.
6:35 – The normal time I am disgorged upon the Pentagon, I am now twenty feet down the road from previous entry.
7:16 – I finish reading my book.
7:22 – I run out of lives in Candy Crush.
7:24 – Begin nap.
8:09 – End nap.
8:14 – Driver informs us that he can now see the ‘hill’ ahead and knows he cannot surmount the terrain in a Metrobus.
8:15 – I exit the bus on foot, bound for the Metrorail station 2.1 miles distant; Driver announces, “Rants has left the bus.”
8:21 – My office cube farm calls to acquire proof of life.
8:44 – I cross I-95, get high score on Frogger.
9:25 – I stalk into the Springfield Metro station coated with snow. A woman passes out because she believes I’m a White Walker from Game of Thrones.
9:30 – Train arrives.
9:50 – I inflict myself on the Pentagon again.
9:55 – Dunkin Donuts Dark Roast, cream only in hand.
10:03 – Announce from my cube that the day is utter bullshit.
The fact that while on foot I was passed by nine county buses and eleven school buses made me really wonder about the Metro hiring practices. It also really sandpapered my balls.
Anyway, this makes it official: Winter fucking sucks again.
BrainRants 
January 8, 2015 at 12:26
Funny as ever, missed you.
January 8, 2015 at 13:13
Welcome back and thanks!
January 8, 2015 at 13:07
Poor Rants… I wish we could send some of our folks down there to train the dorkknobs that need smacking up in the ways of dealing with snow and cold.
January 8, 2015 at 13:13
Not sure how much good that would do. They’re probably absorbent as rocks.
January 8, 2015 at 13:24
Anytime something falls from the sky here the peepul get all stupid again. And it’s been bitter cold here, which makes it even better.
January 8, 2015 at 14:11
They seem to deal with rain better, though.
January 8, 2015 at 13:58
Reblogged this on netty1970's Blog.
January 8, 2015 at 14:12
Thanks for the reblog!
January 8, 2015 at 14:24
Guess whose school was closed today because the buses couldn’t start in the cold?
January 8, 2015 at 16:08
Not mine, cuz I’m here in my big-P daycare center.
January 8, 2015 at 16:31
Haha you went to D.C. thinking the winters were going to be mild? hahahahaaa pfft
January 8, 2015 at 19:00
I was thinking no worse than Kansas, actually. Technically, I have no right to bitch. That said, ranting is fun.
January 8, 2015 at 20:04
Wow! Until now, I thought it was the constant outgassing on The Hill that created global warming. Whoda thunk it had no effect on the point of origin.
January 8, 2015 at 20:05
That’s because it’s transmitted via the LameStream Media.
January 8, 2015 at 20:13
The good news is, this type of brutal cold weather is actually rare here.
The bad new is, as you stated, people are taken by shock and awe or whatever.
My standard statement is that when it snows in Maryland (that’s where I am, yo) the usual response is for people to abandon their cars on the highway, set them on fire, and run around pantsless.
The reality is not that far off.
Stay warm and stay safe.
January 9, 2015 at 05:20
Sounds a lot like here. Hmm.
January 8, 2015 at 23:10
Come join me in IL (you won’t). We are supposed to be used to it. ,,l,, (and me too) to drivers in all seasons. Winter is not so bad, except for the drivers.
January 9, 2015 at 05:21
Been in IL. No thanks… too corrupt.
January 9, 2015 at 07:16
Pfft. Pot…kettle…black..to where you are. Fuck winter drivers.
January 9, 2015 at 07:50
Yup.
January 9, 2015 at 07:58
Uh huh. Hope your today commute is better.
January 9, 2015 at 13:48
Chilly, but timely.
January 9, 2015 at 23:27
Good that it was timely. We have 20 below windchilly here. Whoo? Unassed…You have a way to go to get to U.
January 9, 2015 at 23:29
Whoo not.
January 9, 2015 at 23:36
I agree. I finally found my fucking gloves. Goodbye frostbite. I think J was your last rantionary letter. It’s a long way to U.
January 9, 2015 at 23:36
I have some work to do. Yay gloves!
January 9, 2015 at 07:54
Any day that contains a finished book and nap can’t be all bad. (You’re going to swear at me — if only inside your head, aren’t you?)
A few years ago there was a news story giving stats about how many Metro bus drivers have felony records. Although I doubt you have anything to fear, except losing your Frogger score, it’s just something to keep in mind. I’m all about serving the public interest.
January 9, 2015 at 13:48
You’re right about books and naps, but context is also important. I fear no bus driver.
January 9, 2015 at 14:40
Hmmmmm….I wonder if I’ve ever unassed before.
January 9, 2015 at 16:01
If you’ve departed somewhere, gotten off of something, or left a general area, you have in fact unassed. I better put that in the Rantionary.
January 10, 2015 at 10:57
Oh, in that case I’m about to unass myself from this chair. Good to know.
January 10, 2015 at 13:15
Yeah!
January 10, 2015 at 00:07
All I can suggest are fur-lined briefs or fleece-lined boxers.
Selfie optional.
January 10, 2015 at 13:16
Selfies don’t happen in my universe.
January 22, 2015 at 19:16
I’ve lived in Washington for over a decade now and the same thing seems to happen here — except we don’t get the luxury of salt on the roads like back east. These assholes stop to put their chains on after three snowflakes hit their windshield. On the rare occasion that we get any actual snow, they carve out some awkward groves, which then turn to ice.
One of these days I’m just going to buy a tank and run them all over.
January 22, 2015 at 19:19
Sadly, tanks are no more effective in snow than cars. They slide too. Been there, done that… tee shirt.
January 22, 2015 at 19:21
I’m okay with that. It’d be like playing ping pong.
January 22, 2015 at 20:03
Not if you’re the person inside the tank. Sharp edges, yo.
April 8, 2015 at 01:53
You guys on the East Coast got your asses kicked by winter this year! Out here in Alberta, Canada we had only a small amount of snow & mild temps. In fact, there were only 2 nights where I closed my windows!
April 8, 2015 at 05:15
But you guys break a sweat at 20 degrees.