Winter Fucking Sucks Again

When I unassed Kansas to relocate to Virginia I fostered a dim hope that getting out of the Midwest (a.k.a., Canada’s Cold Air Bowling Alley) would offer some relief in the winter.  After all, being near large bodies of water like the Atlantic fucking ocean are supposed to mellow that shit out.  Being near a source of hot gas like Congress ought to help too.

No such luck.  Like Kansas, Virginia gets just enough winter weather to keep people dumb and unskilled when it comes to snow and ice.  This means nobody plans ahead for the inevitable snow by doing bright things like alerting salt trucks and plows.  Also, they could have shut down D.C. for a day and nobody would have noticed except for the lack of hot gas jets.

My Monday started on time at 6:03 AM when the express bus skidded up to my stop.  I unpacked my book and ignored everyone around me.  Then everything went straight to hell.  Here’s a rough itinerary of my day:

6:20 – Bus grinds to a stop behind idiot Virginians panicking as they spin in circles on untreated roads.

6:35 – The normal time I am disgorged upon the Pentagon, I am now twenty feet down the road from previous entry.

7:16 – I finish reading my book.

7:22 – I run out of lives in Candy Crush.

7:24 – Begin nap.

8:09 – End nap.

8:14 – Driver informs us that he can now see the ‘hill’ ahead and knows he cannot surmount the terrain in a Metrobus.

8:15 – I exit the bus on foot, bound for the Metrorail station 2.1 miles distant; Driver announces, “Rants has left the bus.”

8:21 – My office cube farm calls to acquire proof of life.

8:44 – I cross I-95, get high score on Frogger.

9:25 – I stalk into the Springfield Metro station coated with snow.  A woman passes out because she believes I’m a White Walker from Game of Thrones.

9:30 – Train arrives.

9:50 – I inflict myself on the Pentagon again.

9:55 – Dunkin Donuts Dark Roast, cream only in hand.

10:03 – Announce from my cube that the day is utter bullshit.

The fact that while on foot I was passed by nine county buses and eleven school buses made me really wonder about the Metro hiring practices.  It also really sandpapered my balls.

Anyway, this makes it official: Winter fucking sucks again.

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40 Responses to “Winter Fucking Sucks Again”

  1. Funny as ever, missed you.

  2. Poor Rants… I wish we could send some of our folks down there to train the dorkknobs that need smacking up in the ways of dealing with snow and cold.

  3. Anytime something falls from the sky here the peepul get all stupid again. And it’s been bitter cold here, which makes it even better.

  4. Guess whose school was closed today because the buses couldn’t start in the cold?

  5. Haha you went to D.C. thinking the winters were going to be mild? hahahahaaa pfft

  6. Randstein Says:

    Wow! Until now, I thought it was the constant outgassing on The Hill that created global warming. Whoda thunk it had no effect on the point of origin.

  7. The good news is, this type of brutal cold weather is actually rare here.

    The bad new is, as you stated, people are taken by shock and awe or whatever.

    My standard statement is that when it snows in Maryland (that’s where I am, yo) the usual response is for people to abandon their cars on the highway, set them on fire, and run around pantsless.

    The reality is not that far off.

    Stay warm and stay safe.

  8. 1jaded1 Says:

    Come join me in IL (you won’t). We are supposed to be used to it. ,,l,, (and me too) to drivers in all seasons. Winter is not so bad, except for the drivers.

  9. Any day that contains a finished book and nap can’t be all bad. (You’re going to swear at me — if only inside your head, aren’t you?)

    A few years ago there was a news story giving stats about how many Metro bus drivers have felony records. Although I doubt you have anything to fear, except losing your Frogger score, it’s just something to keep in mind. I’m all about serving the public interest.

  10. Hmmmmm….I wonder if I’ve ever unassed before.

  11. All I can suggest are fur-lined briefs or fleece-lined boxers.
    Selfie optional.

  12. I’ve lived in Washington for over a decade now and the same thing seems to happen here — except we don’t get the luxury of salt on the roads like back east. These assholes stop to put their chains on after three snowflakes hit their windshield. On the rare occasion that we get any actual snow, they carve out some awkward groves, which then turn to ice.
    One of these days I’m just going to buy a tank and run them all over.

  13. You guys on the East Coast got your asses kicked by winter this year! Out here in Alberta, Canada we had only a small amount of snow & mild temps. In fact, there were only 2 nights where I closed my windows!

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