Happy Chriskwanzukkah

I’ve reblogged this gem in some form or another every year except last Christmas, because I was busy.  Also, ’13’ is a sucky number as far as numbers go.  Not only is it odd and prime, some people consider it unlucky.  I consider it between twelve and fourteen.

Anyway, I thought I’d offer up one of my more popular anti-Christmas rants yet again, at least in some kind of way.  I’ll spare you the introductory drivel I put up back in 2011 and kept in 2012 and skip right to the list of ChristmAss:

Music: There are about two Christmas songs I can endure, and not all renditions of them are really worth it. I dig Little Drummer Boy because it has a military cadence, and O Holy Night sung by Martina McBride. That’s about it. Everything else makes my neurons curl and burn. About the last thing I want my all-Disturbed, all-the-time station to break format with is Frosty the Motherfucking Snowman.

Decorations: Right, let’s not and just say we did. Stand on a ladder wearing two of everything in a stiff north wind of Arctic Canadian origin and hang tiny lights that will burn out the second I hook them all together? Sure, sounds awesome. Not. Here’s some vise-grips; pull out my fingernails and that will simulate the frostbite I’m about to get.

Feed The World: Technically this falls under music too, but so help me if I ever lose it and climb a tower with a high-power rifle and a bag of cheese sandwiches, hearing this song will be the trigger. It was stupid as fuck in the ’80’s, so why would we think it has improved with age? Explain the logic of making a donation so a Muslim kid can feel the joy of Christmas to me.

Extreme Sap: Every season it’s the same shit – “This is the story of poor little Timmy…” Stop there. It’s sad, and it’s heartbreaking that he has no arms or legs and wants to wiggle-float across the English Channel before he dies of the congential upside-down heart he has. Really. I want to know why we have to wait until Christmas to make it an issue. Don’t you think Timmy could’ve used the donations a few months ago at the beginning of Summer? Do we require Christmas in order to be kind?

Trees: Christmas trees are a pain in the ass from start to finish. Getting them tuned perfectly in the stand is a test of patience nearly beyond me. Decorating them is only fun if I’m drunk enough to try it overhand. They die four days after putting them up. I love they way they smell, so someday I’ll grow an asspile of them and then be able to enjoy them all year. I can inhale them so forcefully I’ll have needles lodged in the underside of my frontal lobe all summer.

Fabrications: We’re all fully aware that Jesus was in fact born in the Spring, and that the church moved the holiday to correspond with a pagan solstice festival, right? No? Okay, then go back and repeat life from the 5th grade forward. And do I need to mention Santa Claus?

I probably just offended half of the English-reading world with this, and in response my Give a Fuck meter just sheared off the “zero” peg. Yeah, yours truly at his best, putting the “X” back in “Xmas.”  Speaking of, one addition:

Political Fucking Correctness: See the title of this post: Chriskwanzukkah.  Yeah, I have no idea when we as a society lost our balls, but I for one am sick of this plague of victimhood that has forced everyone to say, “Have a happy whatever!”  Even worse, they’re chipper as a caffeinated cheerleader on meth and mean what they say.  If you’re offended by someone else’s holiday, try sacking up.  If that fails, shut your cockholster and crawl under a rock.

Santa Claus:  The fat bastard is a toy pimp in red velour.

That last one probably offended the other half.  My work here is done.

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45 Responses to “Happy Chriskwanzukkah”

  1. Everytime I read this, I hear Vince Vaughn’s voice in my head.

  2. Merry Christmas, Rants! Please extend Christmas wishes to all of those you serve the country with. God bless you all.

  3. Prime numbers especially 13 make me drool because I’m weird. O Holy Night is the best song even though I don’t believe. I guess festivus has to be included in this nonsense as they are selling aluminum poles. Have a good December 25th just like the other 364 or 365 days that I wish you well.

  4. Thank you for the happy Hanukkah. =)

  5. Dude, decorations. You gotta put up tinsel, if only as an excuse to tell all the Christmassaps that the origin of it lies in the intestines of sacrificial animals (? and humans) that our decently bloodthirsty British Druids used to drape the trees with during their rites in said midwinter solstice.

  6. You grumpy bastard 🙂

  7. Where’s the “motherfucking like” button. I agree with all of the above and more. I’m known far and wide as “Mr. Bah Fucking Humbug”. 👿

  8. So with you on Feed the World. It makes me want to punch someone. Bono. Pretty much any time I want to punch someone, it’s Bono.

    I have an issue with cookie-pushers. All @#$% day long, cookies, cookies, cookies. Politely declining doesn’t work (“Oh, just try one.”). I don’t want to have to explain why I don’t want a cookie. I.Just.Don’t.Want.A.Cookie. @#$% (Sorry for cursing on your blog.)

    Nevertheless, peace and all that.

  9. This year I decided to only wish a Merry Christmas to my Catholic husband, my friend’s Catholic husband, my parents and those who wished me a Blessed Yule which is the holiday I celebrate this time of year. How many was that? Zero. My 25th was easy.

    Wait till you see what I did the 24th/25th this year, it was amazing! I’ll blog it this weekend.

    Oh and the taboo numbers in Japan are 4 and 9 I guess.

  10. What about Chuck Berry’s Run run Rudolph?

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