Hi there all y’all in the Rants Army! Yeah, I got good and buzzed – well, maybe more than that, truth be told – before I attempted the below Rantswers® to your awesomesauce questions. After some months of sorting my own shit over and over, I clearly built up a good amount of pissed-off steam. Enjoy:
Nora Blithe Why is the sky blue? Are we there yet? Can I have the last beer?
1: Because physics and subatomic fucking particles and shit…2: Yes, and it doesn’t get any fucking better after the next goddamn stop… 3:No, I already swilled down that cheap American piss-water for myself, because I’m a shitty host. Sorry.
H.E. ELLIS Is Santa an Army or Navy guy?
Santa is soundly pro-Army. Here’s why: Back in the day there was the Army Air Corps, an official part of the U.S. Army, which later broke out like a boy band (Mo’s) and became the U.S. Air Farce. Since the Air Farce flies like Santa, he (Santa)(could rearrange letters and get Satan) is technically an Army derivative, and thus roots for Army. Yes, regardless of the outcome of the game.
Blogdramedy Please explain the Hail Mary Pass. Does it involve nuns?
No nuns lost anything in this development in professional sports, thankfully… Unlike the time Chuck Norris overnighted at an Italian nunnery and impregnated the entire coven… hence the 1972 Dolphins team. Anyway, Roger Staubach, A FUCKING NAVY GRAD, probably hucked a pigskin toward the endzone once when Lyle Alzado and Howie Long (Raiders!) commenced an epic pass rush on his lily Navy ass that looked like a solar eclipse from his point of view.
normalisboringsoiheard Navy/Army – looks like a good game?
Yes, Army – Navy is always a fuckchunks awesome game, no matter what the outcome. Watch that shit or die. Also, never list Navy first on this site when posing a question. I have my… issues.
Christopher De Voss Mine is a several part question…
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?
Word has it that the same awesomely-talented artist who created the “bippity boppity boop” from the fruity classic, Cinderella, penned all of these alliterations and syncopations and material for Celine Dion, Rhianna and Miley Cyrus… whatever the fuck English terms apply to this fucked up shit. The Google says his name was Tackett Inna Ass, aka, Beiber.
Scott Why do women go to the restroom in groups?
They do this in order to make you wonder what the fuck-all they could possibly be gossiping about (i.e., your dick size). At least that’s a theory. Another one is that it takes three or more to perform the pagan ritual necessary to make whatever pressing issue drop. Then again, they might be insecure about sweating out an epic log.
Thanks for your input and participation in Rantswers®! Like all great blogging, audience participation makes or breaks the experience, and all y’all do that every day! Part 8.2 tomorrow!