Asshattery, Inc.

Every now and then, someone asks me for my advice or opinion.  Either way, they get both.  I think of it as a free service, sort of.  Anyway, the other day I had the misfortune of seeing this:

//Disclaimer: to prevent a libel suit, everything written here is my opinion//

The reason for making me drag my nails over this mental chalkboard of a hot mess was to gain my assessment of this guy.  The brief version is that Grandmaster Flash here is a danger to himself and others.  The only reasons I can see for such an open admission of suckitude are:

A) Get nerdy high school dweeb types to worship you and pay for classes in between their zit-squeezing and rabid masturbation to the bra section of the JC Penney catalog.

B) Hook up with high school girls.  I won’t bother typing the Dazed and Confused quote here.

If you are even mildly well-versed in the internet and pop culture, you can probably pick out a lot of moments that make you say, “WTF?!?”  Here are the ones that came to mind:

* Kitanas – They’re curved.  They’re curved because they’re designed to be slicing weapons, not onion julienne tools.  Any bladed weapon is not a rhythmic dance accessory.

* Handguns – Where do I start?  First, why are you shooting past your cameraman?!?  What kind of moving, mullet-sporting safety violation are you, anyway?  Also, if you have a handgun, what’s the point of retreating while shooting?  If you’re outgunned, just fucking run.  Don’t waste the ammo with fancy rolls and fall-back techniques that expose more of yourself than a standard A-frame or Weaver stance.

* Holsters – The lower shin area is great for affixing your strap-on holster… if you’re a wheelchair-bound badass.  If not, then delete ‘badass’ from whatever appellation you select and insert ‘fuckwhistle.’  Even thigh mounts are tough to master, so go with a waist or shoulder rig.  Oh, right… then you can’t do your bitchen T.J. Hooker roll.  I get it.

* Blowguns – A great skill to have along with the bow staff, especially if you’re staring down a tribe of Bantu or are in a deathmatch in the Amazon forest with Bear Grylls.  One small recommendation: don’t lick your fingers between darts, buttdart.

* Hatchets – Sure, throw them.  That allows your enemy to dodge it and then use it against you.  Hopefully, he’ll do you a favor and lop off that mullet-thing you keep wrapped up under your epic bandana.

It’s nice to know there are people like Grandmaster out there who are doing their best to make sure some of us get killed in tactical situations.


28 Responses to “Asshattery, Inc.”

  1. All too funny.
    “If you’re outgunned, just fucking run. ” Seriously.

  2. This guy looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter, only more retarded.

  3. I wonder what Darwin would say. Hmmm. Kinda entertaining though.

  4. Reblogged this on dudleydoright49 and commented:

  5. You had me at Grandmaster Flash.

  6. Hey,

    This is really funny.

    I have recently started writing myself.
    Pls check it out-

    I would love to know what you think of it.

  7. It hurt my eyes.
    From all the eye rolling. *grin*

  8. Ok this guy does NOT get a spot on my zombie squad.

  9. Bwaaaa Haaaaa haaaaaa! Ninja’s all over the world are killing themselves trying to master those new techniques. The secret is in the Ninja Mullet Gel.

  10. Love it. I muted the video so that my house mates wouldn’t judge my viewing choices… he’s still a plank in mute. Wonderfully funny and smart. Look forward to reading others!

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