Trolling Public Transportation

Here in my new and final incarnation for the Army, I’ve managed to stake out a job where I can’t drive to work and wouldn’t want to if I could. Parking my car on a freeway for hours every day isn’t my idea of a party.  Also, people around here in the 5-Sided Daycare get all frowny and shit when you show up late.

I’ve bitched a lot (!) about airline travel on this blog, so when faced with the idea of using public transportation I assumed more of the same fuckwittery you normally encounter in an airplane. Write this on your calendar: I was wrong.

Given this radical change of view, I of course immediately shifted from being defensive to a more offensive stance. If nobody on the buses or subway acted like fuckwits, then by God somebody needed to.  That someone probably should be me, and so here’s my working list of Awesome Troll Activity for a bus or metro:

Cropdusting:  My plan involves broccoli, beer and refried beans the night before. From there, it’s a simple exercise in stealth-mode Pull My Own Finger as I try to decide which seat I want to destroy. When people notice, I’ll look at them like Hitler’s spawn because if you smelled it, you dealt it.

High Efficiency:  Time is my most valuable resource, so I plan to make the most of it.  I figured I’d start with a good breakfast that involves the entire bench seat up in front and silverware.  I don’t normally eat kimchi and sardines for breakfast, but I’m flexible.  Later, I’ll floss thoroughly and then transition to nose and ear hair grooming, because who wants to sit next to Chewbacca on the bus, right?

Sharing Is Caring:  I was raised to share and play nice.  I decided I’d share on the bus.  My rage metal, my political thoughts, and the photos of my shoulder surgery and fingertip-ectomy ought to be a good start.  People like to feel involved and connect, and I’m a motherfucking people person.

Manic Helpfulness:  I’ve noticed that the bus drivers sometimes run late or almost don’t stop.  From now on, I’ll position myself right up by their seat and help them navigate, merge, and prompt them to brake.  I suspect they can’t hear the automated “stop requested” voice a la Star Trek, so I’ll make sure they know.  Before long, I’m sure I’ll get an award or some shit, who knows.

Security:  Airplanes have anonymous security marshals, so buses need them too. My plan doesn’t involve stealth, though. I plan on loudly announcing that I am the security for this ride, and then make sure everyone on the bus can tell I’m the biggest badass who ever rode a bus.  My nun chucks alone should establish this.  Sooner or later, some fuckwhistle will challenge me, and the legend will begin.

I wanted to add something about role play, but my 9-foot Godzilla costume hasn’t arrived. These about tap out my idea machine, so what would you recommend?


45 Responses to “Trolling Public Transportation”

  1. I say you start busting out Top 40 songs at the top of your lungs.

  2. 9-foot Godzilla costume? Sounds kinky. 😉

  3. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Curiosity question: Does it take you that much less time to use the public transportation? I have friends that say driving and subway/bus are the same (now, they don’t work where you are, but still).

  4. I think you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. Just be yourself!

  5. Considering your rank, shouldn’t that be “Sirly?”

  6. Maybe a nice game of Truth or Dare or perhaps Duck Duck Goose?

  7. Talking in the quiet car…people love that shit, amongst other activities. I miss public transpo…and all the shenanigans you mention. Parking lot roads and 19 mile commutes that take 2hrs or burying my nose in my clean fresh scent because my seatmate smells like a sewer. Choices.

  8. These are the things I hated most about public transportation – people who wear their headphones but play their music loud enough to be heard by everyone else who isn’t sharing their headphones; people who talk so loudly on their cell phones I have absolutely no choice but to listen to their conversation (the entire transport can hear their conversation); teens who get on public transportation & pull their silly antics they think are so cute. Can you fix these things?

  9. Hop on the Orange line and take it to the end point in Maryland. You WILL see things that you can’t unsee. Just please send a warning if you’re planning on that broccoli – bean tactic before doing so. Welcome to the gridlock!

  10. Had to use the bus for a few days to get to work last week. With a car my commute takes less than 20 min. With the bus my commute takes about 70 min. On top of that there’s the relentless fuckwittery visible on late-night commuters and early morning high school students. If I had to do that on a regular basis, I’d get in better shape and start bicycling. Even in snow. 😐

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