Douchebags In The Sky

Unless you live under a rock or, like me, projectile vomit upon reading or seeing news feeds these days, you’ve heard of the great debate over airplane seats and the fact that most of them recline.

I figured this would be perfect to rant about, because I’ve got hundreds of air trips under my belt.  I’ve been the guy who had his laptop squished off the tray table into his lap by the Reposing Shitknuckle in front of me.  As a guy who is 6′-3″ in his Army boots, I know exactly how much leg room there isn’t in typical airline peasant class.

I also have the perspective of too many trips to far-off shitholes aboard military cargo aircraft.  In that scenario, you can unfuckingbuckle right after takeoff and lay your happy, tired ass right on the aluminum floor for a nap.  I’ve done it myself – slept my way into Afghanistan.  The only way to go.

The people who are so fucking passionate about this issue need to calm the fuck down, I say.  None of the three reported recent incidents involve anyone who was a first-time airline customer.  Why fly into a rage over shit you know is going to happen?  You had to be in City X.  You had to fly there.  You bought the ticket.  You knew the deal.

In my Rantiverse, that means shut the fuck up.  If you’re so fucking tightly-wound that a mere reclining seat launches you into a tantrum of douchebag self-identification, then I’d suggest you have no business flying and should take the emergency exit and walk.

Another faction wants to ban reclining seats.  Fine, I say.  Then we can complain about that, because someday Kim Kardashian’s tits will sag even lower than her globular ass and we’ll have to find something else stupid to debate and churn.

I for one, size and all, never recline my seat.  Why?  Because I don’t like it done to me.  Could I pummel everyone behind me into submission?  Yes, except for the time I sat in front of Disturbed’s guitarist Dan Donegan.  Why beat on anyone that awesome?  Point being here, it’s along the lines of the do unto others rule.

Another thing that amazes me is that we’ll manufacture little seat widgets to cockblock the recline-o-matic fuckwhistles but we’ll just go right along with the other airline bullshit that asswipes get away with every day:

Carryon abusers.  It’s a carryon, not a suitcase.  Leave your granddad’s goddamn steamer trunk at home.

Babies.  I don’t blame the screaming meltdown of infant flesh, I blame the ‘tard parents who bring their little angels aboard to do what babies do naturally.

Talkers.  One more iteration of, “What are you reading?” is going to get you your teeth served to you as the in-flight snack.

Stank-Ass Motherfuckers.  Bathe, you nasty jackwagon, and use soap.  You smell like a capitulating French surrender-monkey.

Seat Kickers.  Discipline your child, or I will.  I have certain skills and I’m not afraid to use them.

 I hope you enjoyed your trip to the RantZone today.  File this under ‘A’ for ass, or airline.  Maybe ‘D’ for douchebag, or ‘T’ for tantrum.

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43 Responses to “Douchebags In The Sky”

  1. I live under a rock, but somehow that reclinoblock story seeped through. What the everliving fuck? Likewise, I don’t recline, because golden rule and all. You get all of inches of space on a plane, and my personal space bubble is miles, but flying is flying, and you know what you are in for if you’ve flown before. The other offenders you mention are just as bad or worse…save babies, cuz yeah, the parents are the douchebags.

    You sat in front of Donegan? Cool.

    • Flying is its own special hell. And yes, DD and I rode to Chicago once from KC. He was totally cool and walked through the airport with me for a bit… wow.

      • I’m going to solidify my status as a freak. I love almost everything about flying: choppy takeoffs and landings, the altitude, turbulence and the smell of jet fuel. I always try to get the last row window seat.

        It’s the other BS that kills me.

        Cool that DD wasn’t a DB.

  2. Wow, you just listed damn near every single reason why I don’t fly unless I absolutely have to. 🙂

  3. I’m in love with how sour you are today. You’ve jumped into my mind and read it. Thank you for doing my morning pages for me today…

  4. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Apparently this is the same for Greyhound and MegaBus, only nobody cares to admit they are on those.

  5. I hate flying, but I also hate sitting erect in my chair. I have to recline a little, otherwise I’m more miserable than the tin can is already making me. It’s all about the Benjamin’s…
    I’ve missed you rants!

    As for the talkers- I want to throw them out the window… I prefer your method of letting them walk out the emergency exit.

  6. Twindaddy Says:

    Is there a reference chart somewhere with all these fabulous words in it? I particularly like “fuckwhistle.”

  7. Do a lot of transatlantic flights and rarely recline. It doesn’t recline enough to allow sleep and slightly reclined makes me slouch and my back hurts. I also fly with my seven year old child who doesn’t cry or kick the chair. She’s been flying since she was 4 months old. In fact she’s so adorable, the flight attendance bring her treats from first class. I would like a first class ticket instead.

    This was exquisitely written as usual. 🙂

    • As long as you provide some discipline in flight, kids are fine. The ones who turn the little heathens over to the attendants and other passengers… ugh.

  8. In defense of parents with rambunctious children–at least you only have to deal with them for the length of the flight. The parents are stuck with the kids 24-7. There is no emergency exit for parenting, otherwise, we’d all be jumping without parachutes.

  9. Maybe weird or my short stature but I never mind the person in front of me reclining the seat unless they are being indecisive and back n forth with it. I will refrain from reclining on future flights, knowing now that it’s aggravating to some of you.

    My apologies to anyone I annoyed over the many many MANY flights I’ve been on and reclined comfortably for a snooze.

    *slinks down to the floor in embarrassment

  10. As a vertically challenged individual I am not guilty of reclining the seat, but of sitting cross-legged and having my knees extend into the personal space of the passenger sitting at my side.

    When you are so tiny that your feet don’t hit the floor in even an airline seat, you run the risk of them swelling up like water balloons. Try racing through Dulles with a twenty minute layover on those puppies. No dice, pal. Crusty Ol’ Mr. Aisle Seat is just gonna hafta suffer with my knees in his ‘nads.

  11. “What are you reading?” -Anything that allows me to avoid BS conversations with people who just want to tell me personal information I could give two shits about. I don’t give a fuck about your neighbor’s dog’s appendicitis. I do give a fuck about being ready for whatever it is I’m about to accomplish when I land, first of which will be getting the fuck away from loose lips.

  12. I just got back from Obliviousville, and realized I’d missed one of your better rants. Even Shimoniac was here, and didn’t tell me. I promise to do better.
    BTW; I hear that H.E.Ellis can tickle a bunny’s tummy – if she stretches up, real high. 😆

  13. I have never reclined my seat when I fly either. But I did have a fight with another passenger over the seats by the emergency exit. Said fight took place in whispers on my part & a lot of passive aggressive shit hurled at me from a woman who “assumed” just because she could sit beside her family on 1 leg of the flight, she could sit there for the entire flight, without pre-booking the seat.

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