Moving Adventures
This post is long, long overdue. I blame the Army and the bastards at the several moving ‘companies’ who have mangled my property. I also blame Verizon, because even though I have a thing called ‘FiOS,’ apparently that means ‘no landline telephone that actually works.’ These all sound like excuses, but in reality they’re distractions that suck the life from my humor gland and sap my energy in trying to deal with. For that matter, I blame anyone named Kardashian, because why should they be rich and famous for a sex tape while I’m notionally taking up the poop chute and still sweating the bills every month?
The good news here is, the physical relocation went well. The drive started in Kansas and paused in Illinois for some great food. After that, the drive resumed as my new-formed family navigated half the country, or at least a big chunk of half. Because I was involved, shit had to get bizarre. At least I had witnesses in tow.
The first event of weirdness happened in Indianapolis. You might not know this, but there is exactly one Dunkin Donuts in Indianapolis. Because my SO’s preferences are important, a quick stop seemed in order. Little did I know that every single policeman in the state had gathered for what had to be an important event for them. For criminals, it was probably Free Burn and Pillage Day, but luckily we were merely passing through.
Then of course, there was Ohio. Did you know that a town of about 20,000 that has no fewer than eight major motels and is located in God’s Armpit could be completely sold out? Answer: it can, and they were. Apparently the International Association of Pottery Enthusiasts seized the one town we planned on stopping for the night.
There was this inexplicable but hilarious gem. We stopped at some random service area for food upload and water download. Just as I fired up the Blazer (yes, it’s still running), I noticed this:
I assumed the preponderance of Air Force bases in the area explained this… erection. I thanked my Android for its adequate camera just so I could share it with you.
The next day came and went in a blur. I’ll tell you to never outright trust Google Maps, because we passed through some backwoods Pennsylvania roads that would put a roller coaster or two to shame. If you try it, make it extra-fun by being trapped behind a local driving at just over the speed of farts. We rejoined the regular freeway in Maryland, where I discovered the No Gas For Sale Zone. At least not for sale within a quarter mile of the highway.
The journey concluded in Virginia, and in my new home. The greatest stroke of luck happened to be my new landlord doing some yardwork ahead of my arrival, so the house was open and ready to occupy.
With that, I am now officially back in The South.
September 4, 2014 at 06:18
Welcome back!
Driving through parts of Ohio made me question if I had taken a wrong turn off the highway. That desolate.
September 4, 2014 at 08:23
It’s something, that’s for certain.
September 4, 2014 at 07:46
I don’t get it – what’s weird about the smoker’s pole? We have portable things like that on campus that I think are stamped with “smoker’s outpost” or some such nonsense.
September 4, 2014 at 08:24
Uhm, rearrange the words…
September 4, 2014 at 08:37
Well now THAT, my good man, is a post for a whole other day I think… 😉
September 4, 2014 at 08:40
As we Army people say, “Roger that.”
September 4, 2014 at 07:49
Imagine having to go all the ways up and then across Ohio, after you pop out of W.Va. Consider yourself lucky.
September 4, 2014 at 08:25
True. I’ve gone from SoCal to Illinois before, and THAT truly sucked rhino ass.
September 4, 2014 at 08:45
YowZa Rants! I’m not sure I would of made it. Probably would of gone all Hunter S Thompson and got lost somewhere in the desert. Hey, here’s a thought, maybe you never made it to Illinois. This reality you’re living now is actually you continuing the sisyphean task of climbing over that “one last” dune to get out.
Whoa, that was dark.
‘Eh, such is working for the man though. Am I right, or am I right?
September 4, 2014 at 08:54
You are, and you need a beer. Now.
September 4, 2014 at 09:06
On it! STAT! Clinks all around to the LizardKing.
September 4, 2014 at 09:14
Hear, hear!
September 4, 2014 at 09:35
Dafuq? You drove right by me and didn’t even say hi, fucker!
September 4, 2014 at 09:58
At the time, I believed I was racing a moving van full of my stuff.
September 4, 2014 at 09:59
Hurty.
September 4, 2014 at 10:00
Not until I uncovered the lie.
September 4, 2014 at 10:01
Those fuckwaffles.
September 4, 2014 at 10:04
“Fuckwaffle” is only scratching the surface.
September 4, 2014 at 10:07
Well, I didn’t want to loose a runaway profanity train on your blog. That’d be stealing your job from you.
September 4, 2014 at 10:32
True, true.
September 4, 2014 at 21:47
Glad you and NuFamily made it. Sometimes, if you listen closely on those roads, you can hear banjos in the distance.
September 4, 2014 at 21:48
And idiots, yes.
September 4, 2014 at 21:52
Those you can generally hear loud and clear.
September 4, 2014 at 21:54
I disagree, but I’m cool.
September 4, 2014 at 22:14
We can disagree, and that’s cool. Glad you all made it. Moving can be the suck.
September 5, 2014 at 03:57
Thanks!
September 4, 2014 at 23:26
Welcome to ‘civilization’, such as it is, south of the Mason-Dixon line. 😆
September 5, 2014 at 03:57
Seems pretty civilized. There’s a WalMart…
September 5, 2014 at 11:44
And some Ur-denizens?? 😕
September 5, 2014 at 12:29
WalMartians.
September 11, 2014 at 10:15
Sometimes a girl just needs her Dunkins, you know?
September 11, 2014 at 12:10
Dunkin’s fixes a lot, that is true.
September 20, 2014 at 22:56
OK, what is the big deal about a smoker’s pole? We have those kinds of structures all over the place to make sure people don’t just throw away their butts. What am I missing? Did I lose my sense of humor when I lost my breath?
September 22, 2014 at 09:08
Might have – reverse the words. Hint: it’s kinda dirty.