Now With 25% More Fun

I’ve announced here, that I moved from Kansas to Virginia on the Army dime so that said organization can employ more varied ways of extracting labor and effort from me.  Some people call this, “Prison sex,” and the extraction will occur in the Pentagon.  Don’t think for a second this is some kind of good deal or acknowledgement that I’m in the big time.  It’s not. 

As a Lieutenant Colonel with over 22 years in, I barely have authorization to take a leak by myself here.  That, by the way, requires certain special badges that I don’t yet have.  While this building might have 248 toilets, I actually need permission and assistance using the one closest to my cube.  Don’t ask about parking – I don’t rank enough for a space even in the most distant lot.


As expected, any building with five sides will have 25% more awesome packed inside than your standard, boring-assed rectangular one.  Most of that comes in the form of navigating oddly-angled hallways between five rings and seven total floors.  There’s an elaborate numbering system at work here, but I’ve yet to break the code.

At the moment, I’m just bright enough to find my basement office (complete with a red stapler) by using interior landmarks.  Getting around is an exercise in not becoming the guy who goes missing for two weeks and is discovered in a closet surviving on vending machine food and his own urine.  Theoretically, it’s possible to never leave the place and get along just fine.  I think I’ve spotted some folks like that already.  Of the 5.1 million square feet of office space here, I’ve accidentally found about a million of them just by being lost.

My biggest challenge will be keeping my opinion to my damn self.  To continue the theme of bathrooms, it’s not uncommon to find yourself pissing in the urinal next to a three-star general or standing in line for a coffee at Dunkin’s with some Full Admiral.  In that case, they’re normally buying coffee for some powerful coat-and-tie civilian.

Wish me luck.

P.S. – The Pentagon publishes an internal newspaper… guess what it’s called?


39 Responses to “Now With 25% More Fun”

  1. Everything I have to say is super snarky, so I will just go the safe route and say I’m glad you made it safe and are in Virginia, and in your new role. It’s a living.

    I might change my mind on the snarky.

    • Since when have I complained about snark?

      • I’m not sure you ever have. It sounds like an imposing place. We call ours, The Compound. I’m sure you’ll be able to keep your mouth shut, but I can’t wait to read your stories if you share.

        Your stapler is red, but is it a Swingline? There is a difference.

        Are you going to reveal the name of the newspaper? It sounds like the tagline could be…You can punch in but you’ll never punch out.

  2. rakuttendi Says:

    Reblogged this on BLOGTENDI.

  3. Twindaddy Says:

    “The Pentagon publishes an internal newspaper… guess what it’s called?”

    The National Enquirer?

  4. Huh, guess you really aren’t in KS anymore, are you Toto? 😉

  5. Welcome back to reality – here in blogland. 😯

  6. I envision you opening some closet looking for cleaning supplies and skeletal remains of some other Lieutenant fall out…clothes look dated…he’s been in there a long time.

    My guess for Pentagon Press: The Death Star

  7. Is it called The Pentagon?
    Can you only get said internal newspaper – in the bathroom?
    Once you are cleared to go I mean…


  8. Well, it sounds interesting. My husband works in a basement here in Japan too, secret stuff n all that.

    Just keep your eyes and stance forward in the bathroom, no peaking at the Admiral’s stuff.

    Stay safe over there.

  9. I know it’s not very original, but I vote for THE PENTAGRAM. So what do I win?

  10. I read up on your new office digs on Wiki. Byzantine is the description that comes to mind. The room numbering system appears to have been designed by the Marquis de Sade in collaboration with Torquemada. You have my sincere sympathies. I suggest you carry with you a GPS unit and three days worth of field rations.

  11. I’m glad to hear you made it safely to your new digs. Not so happy you’re in the basement. Could it be Pent Up News?

  12. […] more or less a year ago.  For those of you who do live under rocks, try this post and then this one where I orally shat about the […]

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