So, dear demented followers, I’m here in Virginia.  Why, you ask?  Simple: I’m looking for a place to fucking live.  Hopefully I’ll find one soon, I only have a few days left before my free Army Hall Pass for this adventure runs out.  No shit, dudes and dudettes.  That’s how this stuff runs.  First time for everything, you know. I’m rocking it in board shorts and tee shirts, Cali Style… with flip-flops, too.  And an unauthorized scruffy beard!

The problem set is simple: find a house for me and Mama Rants, and a few others of Great Significance (yes, SHE of Great Significance! And among others – kids who rock!).  Said abode must be commensurate with my current 4000+ square footage merely to handle all the stuff… all the shit… that we collectively own.  Yeah, wow.  I know, basement and garage space is important.

The challenge: Find this place within a rental price that I can afford.  I’m well into four digits now, by the way.  Apparently that’s standard for the National Capitol Region, as we Army dudes call it.  Holy shit.  My next job after the Army is going to be Beltway real estate speculation and rental management.  See if I’m lying.  Go ahead.  Dare you.

Anyway, after a pleasant flight into Reagan (hallowed be His Name) National, I quickly broke into a flop sweat out of a combination of humidity and nervousness.  I’ve had five potential houses taken out from under me simply because the market is so fucking fluid.  This was before I boarded the flight.  Number six happened while I flew.  Yeah, no shit.

No matter, I had five pending houses with dates to view lined up.  All so far look good, and all of them I’m competing with others for.  Lucky for me, there’s no bidding war on rent amounts, or I’d be hosed.  Right now, I have a landlord who seems to like me (no, not that way) and my potential Significant Family situation.  By the way, he’s an older gentleman who teaches middle school.  Looking good so far, update later.

I can’t say I understand this process.  I’m used to driving to my next assignment at an Army garrison, pulling up to said garrison’s housing office, and asking for a house to live in.  After that, I get a house.  Until  now, that’s worked…  until now, it’s gone very well.  In the area of the Pentagon, though, 22+ years and the rank that goes with it (Lieutenant Colonel) means I get to hunt and peck for rentals outside the safety of the military gates.  Apparently, inside The Building, my job will probably involve buying coffee for one- and two-star generals who were told by three- and four-star generals to get coffee – for coat-and-tie civilians who outrank them (WTF ??).  Yeah, fuck me and my sorry existence.

Sigh.  Perfect way to end my service career.


At least the company next to me has made all this fun and wonderful.  🙂 Talk about a great woman… holy shit…


68 Responses to “Virginia!”

  1. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Welcome to the land of humidity and traffic!

    That is awesome that SoGS (ugh, bad acronym) and get kids are part of this! 🙂

    Unfortunately, anything down where I work is going to give you a hellish commute, or I would suggest looking there. Good luck and stay cool.

  2. Funny, Virginia is on the list of places we’re considering. We’ve had enough cold.

  3. Melanie Says:

    At least you’ll return to pack with a clean colon with all the suck-ass going on. Good luck and yay happiness for Wonderful Woman.

  4. Wish I could help…move to Florida instead and I could help!

  5. I love that you are so happy, hopefully you will find it fun to walk up and down the aisles of Generals at work with your little cart : Coffee? tea? me? How about a pastry? Would you like fries with that?
    But in all seriousness. You are going to find home, you are going to be with your family, and new adventures at the 5 pointed shape could be really exciting.

  6. Good luck, not sure how familiar you are with the ways of life south of the Mason Dixon, but just a fair warning. If it does happen to be a beverage of choice, Iced Tea no longer means Iced Tea. It’s called Sweet Tea and if you call it otherwise, doesn’t matter. We know what you mean and you’ll give yourself away as a Yank, but we’ll still bring you Sweet Tea and smile.

  7. Wait, what? There’s a significant other now? Where have I been? Or did I misread that?

  8. Man, you’re in the jungle now!
    Good luck in your new position as Chief Pentagon Barrista.
    I hope no one asks you for a Navy coffee because nasty.

  9. Good luck in your house hunt Rants! Nice to know your family now includes “assorted significant others.” Too bad you’re moving farther away from me – wait a minute here – was that the point?

  10. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    Hmm….we could possibly be roomies? Ha.

  11. DC/Virginia traffic? You should try driving through Boston in a school bus. 😉

    I’ve heard Virginia is beautiful. I’m sure you will love it there.

  12. Yay. I’m glad your SO is coming with. Was wondering about that…did you have to subliminally suggest or was she willing (kidding)? Sounds like some Jr high aged kids too. Cool.

    Worse things than going out already having a job and more than likely a house big enough for a small country…the traffic is the suck though…does the metro go out to your area? From what I remember, it wasn’t god awful.

    Good luck!

  13. You have a SO! No wonder you’ve been (a tiny bit) less curmudgeonly lately.
    Moving sucks. I have to move soon. I’m in denial about it, but every so often reality hits and I have to take the edge off with Red Bull and Vicodin.

  14. Reagan is the best airport. My kid just bailed from that area. (Can’t tell you the number of times I ended up at the pentagon by taking the wrong turn – the guys were pretty nice about it – but the drivers jockeying for spots drove pretty fast and wild.)
    It’s growing like crazy up there – rents way up and housing is tight. Hope you find the perfect place. There’s lots to do and the metro was great

  15. I really enjoyed your blog. Very funny! Please check out my blog as well. Thanks much and keep at it!

  16. Awww…good luck with the moving and shit…and, take good care of all those people! Especially the small one…

  17. Can’t comment. Enjoy Virginia! 😉

  18. […] to Virginia concluded more or less a year ago.  For those of you who do live under rocks, try this post and then this one where I orally shat about the […]

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