Nerdboy Dating 101

Today I’m reposting (not reblogging) a post I did for Long Awkward Pause, for which I also write.  You might want to drop by and enjoy bloggers even funnier than I am.  If you read this over at LAP, apologies, but your hate speech derision comments are still very much appreciated!

All the credit for the awesome GIFs goes to Chris DeVoss, the LAP head staff monkey, who has the biggest cube.

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Long ago when records were made of vinyl, socially-awkward men were banished to a lonely existence after being stamped with the ‘nerd’ label. In this dim time, the biggest challenge in dating came down to remembering to push your glasses up with the non-lotioned hand.

If you know who this is, you should blush.

Thanks in part to changing social forces and possibly an assist from the hipster movement, Nerdboys now have a chance of getting lucky in a way that involves another human being. For the purposes of this article, that includes showing your junk on a webcam. To another human being.

First of all, the modern Nerdboy needs to know what to avoid. Since nerdhood became cool, there are increasing instances of ruthless emasculators preying on unsuspecting Nerdboys. Their kind are identified by being popular, successful, and far beyond the league of the target nerd. Do not fall for the overt sexuality. Resist the power of the boobs. Before you know it, she’ll lure you to her meat locker and let you know she intends to sodomize you with a rubber chicken. After that, you might as well change your name to ‘Gimp’ and love your storage box.

Dafuq is this shit?

The more appropriate partner for the modern Nerdboy is someone who appreciates the subtleties of your nerdiness. Try relating that time you saved your AP Physics project in high school but totaled your car doing so. An enthusiastic response about an event in her band camp means you’re probably good to go.

Don’t brag about how many lines of code your can crank out in one hour. Instead, engage your intended partner in a gentle debate about which programming language is best. Tossing out statements like, “I usually code in HTML, but I’m really starting to appreciate getting into open-source Python projects.” That will make you appear open-minded and deep.

They modeled Kip on me...

I was the inspiration for Kip

Keep in mind your date might not pursue the same obscure things you do. You should attempt to show that you’re well-read by asking what she likes. Be prepared to discuss the various and sometimes-conflicting manifestations of String Theory and the implications of a multiverse. You can memorize Neil DeGrasse Tyson quotes, but make sure you understand what they mean!

At some point, if you’ve played your cards right, you’ll arrive at the point where actual physical contact happens. Ideally, you’ll let your partner be at ease in her place. Keep in mind, your underwear might undermine your claim to nerdhood, so make sure those tight, white hi-rise Jockeys are immaculate.

Nobody who lives in their mom’s basement – and therefore enjoys her expert approach to laundry – could possibly have skid marks. Better to confess to being a fully-functional adult than perpetrate a lie just to see her custom-modded gaming tower with its overclocked, water-cooled CPU and graphics accelerator.

I can do this too.

Don’t forget to practice safe sex, and keep in mind that the average male refractory period is 30 minutes, so shrug off that premature shot and keep trying. Good luck and happy hunting!

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34 Responses to “Nerdboy Dating 101”

  1. I’m in love.

  2. anjanapdeep Says:

    wow. nice 😀
    I really enjoyed reading this. 😀

  3. I have to ask, and know I should probably wait for another jaw dropping installment of ‘ask rants’ but …

    What the fuck is a hipster? and why does it have a movement? and what the hell does Pabst Blue Ribbon have to do with it?

    Please help a nice Canadian girl out; who knows she is never going to fit in with all these Hoosier but might save me from pointing out what complete douchebags some people are at parties because I have a sneaking suspicion these douchebags are hipsters.

    • I’m not sure myself, but their reason for being is to ironically oppose that which is popular. At this point, I see so many of them that I assume being hipster is cool, which means they all should opt to stop the fuckery. Also, PBR is nasty.

  4. If only there were tips for us nerd-girls now…

  5. I thought this was going to be a confession about your dating! What a disappointment – although it was funny!

  6. You’ve just described my nerdy teenhood, back before we’d saved enough string to have a theory about it. 😯

  7. You missed the most obvious method. Attend as many science-fiction conventions as you can. You’re BOUND to find a member of the opposite sex who will fall hopelessly in love with you and give you all their money – then get sick and land you in a no-horse town in rural Ohio. (Hey, it worked for my wife….. 😉 )
    By the by, don’t be upset if you don’t get any follow up comments in my usual swift manner. The EPA has approved having my Email (the one I use for blog responses) declared a Superfund toxic wasteland. I need to patch in a bigger hard drive to get all the Emails out there downloaded – I shit thee not! 😯

  8. I married a nerd and yes, I went to band camp.

  9. The guy in the movie is so cool 😉

  10. Nerdgirls have dating problems too! At least, I do. A complicated cocktail of shyness and a refusal to settle for less than I deserve works against every attempt at romance I’ve ever made. Sigh, I guess I’ll keep searching for the right nerdboy at every sci-fi con I attend.

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