Nerdboy Dating 101
Today I’m reposting (not reblogging) a post I did for Long Awkward Pause, for which I also write. You might want to drop by and enjoy bloggers even funnier than I am. If you read this over at LAP, apologies, but your
hate speech derision comments are still very much appreciated!
All the credit for the awesome GIFs goes to Chris DeVoss, the LAP head staff monkey, who has the biggest cube.
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Long ago when records were made of vinyl, socially-awkward men were banished to a lonely existence after being stamped with the ‘nerd’ label. In this dim time, the biggest challenge in dating came down to remembering to push your glasses up with the non-lotioned hand.
Thanks in part to changing social forces and possibly an assist from the hipster movement, Nerdboys now have a chance of getting lucky in a way that involves another human being. For the purposes of this article, that includes showing your junk on a webcam. To another human being.
First of all, the modern Nerdboy needs to know what to avoid. Since nerdhood became cool, there are increasing instances of ruthless emasculators preying on unsuspecting Nerdboys. Their kind are identified by being popular, successful, and far beyond the league of the target nerd. Do not fall for the overt sexuality. Resist the power of the boobs. Before you know it, she’ll lure you to her meat locker and let you know she intends to sodomize you with a rubber chicken. After that, you might as well change your name to ‘Gimp’ and love your storage box.
The more appropriate partner for the modern Nerdboy is someone who appreciates the subtleties of your nerdiness. Try relating that time you saved your AP Physics project in high school but totaled your car doing so. An enthusiastic response about an event in her band camp means you’re probably good to go.
Don’t brag about how many lines of code your can crank out in one hour. Instead, engage your intended partner in a gentle debate about which programming language is best. Tossing out statements like, “I usually code in HTML, but I’m really starting to appreciate getting into open-source Python projects.” That will make you appear open-minded and deep.
Keep in mind your date might not pursue the same obscure things you do. You should attempt to show that you’re well-read by asking what she likes. Be prepared to discuss the various and sometimes-conflicting manifestations of String Theory and the implications of a multiverse. You can memorize Neil DeGrasse Tyson quotes, but make sure you understand what they mean!
At some point, if you’ve played your cards right, you’ll arrive at the point where actual physical contact happens. Ideally, you’ll let your partner be at ease in her place. Keep in mind, your underwear might undermine your claim to nerdhood, so make sure those tight, white hi-rise Jockeys are immaculate.
Nobody who lives in their mom’s basement – and therefore enjoys her expert approach to laundry – could possibly have skid marks. Better to confess to being a fully-functional adult than perpetrate a lie just to see her custom-modded gaming tower with its overclocked, water-cooled CPU and graphics accelerator.
Don’t forget to practice safe sex, and keep in mind that the average male refractory period is 30 minutes, so shrug off that premature shot and keep trying. Good luck and happy hunting!