The Mountain

This may be one of my longest-lasting projects so far, outside of learning English and of course my nearly-dead effort at my Rantionary.  That one is stuck on “J” but I digress as usual.

The Mountain I’m referring to here is Liberation Mountain.  I’ll spoiler this shit right now:

 

Hellz Yeah!

Freeeeeeedooom!

I know, it’s awesomesauce in aluminum form.  Before you pick up the phone and start dialing AA on my behalf or some other local ‘help’ organization, let me assuage your concerns with the assery and history behind this monument to freedom.

It all started on October 17th, 2013.  I’d spent half my morning in court receiving the final judgment on my divorce.  Of course, I went to the office and finished the day because The Man (Army) wants his pound of flesh.  I suppressed my enthusiasm all day and then went home.  The silent calm of the empty house now seemed complete.  I cracked open a beer and savored the cold, cheap light beer taste.

Several beers later, I stopped and carried my empties to the basement for crushing.  At that point, the concept hit me: if I build it, it will be built.  Or some shit like that, I don’t know.  I was buzzing.  On that night, I began stacking Liberation Mountain.  On a technical note, I prefer the 16-ounce tall can of Coors Light, which will explain some calculations below.

My initial attempt was a triangular-based structure in the basement.  It didn’t look very majestic or imposing because triangles suck in those categories.  With four levels stacked and a shitty Liberation Hillock complete, I knew I could do better.  I reworked it into a hexagonal base and kept going.  Five levels, six, seven and more.  Then disaster hit.

At some point during a day, the mountain half-collapsed and spread silver bullets all over the room of the basement.  I discovered the floor had a minor irregularity which prevented half the structure from leaning in on itself for support.  I blame trigonometry, because that fucker is and always has been a total cock block.  Undaunted, I turned to my collegiate degree and engineered the fuck outta the mountain.

After three nights of stooping, stacking, and careful placement of strategic masking tape bits, I had rebirthed Liberation Mountain, mainly at that point as Mesa de Liberación.  I vowed for ten levels, and kept working.  I had sore legs and a big, big pile of cans.

At ten stories, it still seemed… flaccid.  I added an eleventh and felt satisfied.  Months passed.  Liberation Mountain stood nearly as tall as me and dwarfed Mama Rants.  I snapped the included picture and realized now the hard work would begin: crushing the fuck out of all those cans.  In spite of my wreck of a shoulder, I managed to get them reduced on the 17th of April.  Two yard-waste trash bags now hold the ashes of Liberation Mountain as they await recycling.

You might wonder about the statistics of this creation.  Here you go:

Number of Cans: 1338 (as pictured)

Height: 68 – 3/4″ or 5′ – 8.75″ (174.625 cm)

Equivalent six packs: 223

Equivalent 18-packs: 74.3

Fluid Ounces (US) consumed: 21,408

Gallons (US) of beer: 167.25

Time required: 5 months = 187 days

Average consumption: 7.2 beer / day

Once I recycle all that aluminum, you know damn well what I’ll do with the money – buy more beer.

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36 Responses to “The Mountain”

  1. 1jaded1 Says:

    Shit. That’s impressive. Wish I knew ya 25 years ago on spring break. We did that in our hotel, only not as impressive.

  2. Let this be a monument to Drunks & Divorced Men for all eternity! I built something similar about 30 years ago. I called it Mount Adolph, as in Coors. Long live the Silver Bullet!

  3. You didn’t explain how you took it down…I’m sure you didn’t carefully take each one off. Did you punch it down, jump in it, round kick it, walk through it like you were parting the red sea?????? Explain…

  4. Twindaddy Says:

    They may take our lives, but they’ll never take….OUR BEEEEEEEEEEER!

  5. The Bullshit-Free Zone Says:

    What an impressive Beer-amid

  6. That is impressive…and a tad worrisome! But hey, it’s Coors light, it’s not like you’re drinking a lager. You must pee a lot.

  7. *Darth Vader voice* Most impressive.
    We did something similar in Nashville with PBR cans, which are wonderful for beeritecture, and another in Tampa with Rolling Rock bottles…highly volatile.

  8. Willy Nilly Says:

    Beerocity is the hallmark of warriors. It is a fitting tribute to the beerification of your warrior spirit.

  9. Mmmm… Beer Mountain.

    No, wait. That’s bear mountain. No wonder we’ve seen so many bears—I just thought they liked drinking alcohol as much as we did.

  10. 7.2 beers/day? Wow! Is that usual consumption for you? That’s a whole lot of beer!

  11. Brilliant use of time! Well done sir!

  12. I loved your article and found it very entertaining. Definitely gave it a ‘like.’ If you want to read another blog full of silliness, try Begoodorbgoodatit.com

  13. I see things like that and want to hear it crash to the ground but that is because I was always one for chaos theory however it is an impressive monument to freedom; well done on both the erection and the recycling of it!

  14. “What Civil Engineers do for fun.” The answer to the question nobody asked.

    Pissah.

    • You’re quite the pissah… obviously well-developed by being a true Red Sox fan. Kinda sucks we have to add “Red” before “Sox” to be clear. Then again, what have the White Sox ever done, right? Or the Dodgers for that matter… Or… well, never mind.

      Hey, wait… how did you know I’m a Civil Engineer?

  15. Where’s the bacon?

  16. You make me want to drink Coors Light.

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