Rantswers® 7.1

Okay you bunch of masochists, here you go.  I’ve cooked up a great Coors-powered set of Rantswers® to your viewer questions.  I have to say, y’all are getting better at delineating whether you want a Rantswer® or just an answer.  Here we go:

The Elite of Just Alright: A) If you were gay, who would you be married to? John? B) If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

A)  Fuck no, assuming that within the multiverse there was a fucking universe where I’m actually gay.

B)  Easy: Sam Elliott.

thelifeofjamie: If you had to go to jail, but got to choose the crime that would get you there- what crime would you commit? (Major crime… No fluffy tax evasion crap).

A huge heist, like Oceans 11, 12, and 13-through-fucking-hollywood-excess-noncreative-22.  Except I’d use my skills and hide the money in a safe offshore account for later.  That way, I get money later, and in the panzie white collar prison they put me in, I get to be on top in the shower.

theclocktowersunset: In the spirit of Aussa’s post for “LAP”…. In the zombie apocalypse, would you join-up with some fellow comrades and attempt to keep a local city from collapse through martial law? Or would you go off on your own into the woods recruiting survivors to create your own ideal post apocalyptic Utopia to ensure the survival of the human race by raw eugenics through the survival of the fittest and domesticated agriculture and husbandry. You know, all Jeremiah Johnson style?

I think the martial law thing works better because when fit hits the shan, you gotta have fucking rules, and the only way to do that is with a hierarchical structure to whatever society you have.  I don’t want to argue about taking care of the Earth and fucking kumbayah if I’m trying to not have my brain eaten.  Nobody got time for that shit.  BTW, Jeremiah Johnson – great flick.  Gold star for you.

El Guapo: Having survived the winter from hell, why must winter be a real thing, and not just a metaphor?

Well, science says that it’s because Earth has an axial tilt of 23.4 degrees.  Obviously you’re smart and you know that.  I’d suggest counseling, or in a suggested substitute, join the Polar Bear Society.  Might help you ‘adapt’ each season.  I don’t swim in Lake Michigan because… chemicals, but I make myself adapt to cold.  Every.  Fucking.  Year.  Because barbecue in board shorts, dude.

Charlene Woodley: If you were the Kabbalah rabbi leading the Paltrow/Martin break-up ceremony, what would you wear and what would your opening statement be?

I had no idea there could be a break-up ceremony.  If I had, I’d have spent good money three fucking times to make shit done for good.  That said, maybe it’s all just a fucking lie… hmm – maybe?  Alternate Rantswer® : why the fuck is some skinny, no-talent, white, ugly, overpaid bitch important?  Another Rantswer®:  I’d open with the statement, “You two people are deluded ACTORS… so stop ACTING… for EVERYONE.”  My wardrobe:  Board shorts, even in Chicago, in winter.

The Childlike Author: If you were an alien from Pluto and our solar system got caught up in an intergalactic war, would you hold Pluto’s new classification as a “dwarf planet” against the rest of the system and make a statement by remaining neutral? Or, as the “little man,” would you have a little man complex that would make you fight all the more fiercely in the hopes of Pluto becoming a real planet again?

Well, given that the Sun kind of powers our Solar System, I’d have to join forces with the shitty defense Earth put up, assuming I had mojo to bring.  I have to assume that the marauding aliens could destroy the Sun, which means that planet or no planet status, shit’s gonna fly out into cold-ass hammertime-up-the-ass space without it.  Pluto needs what little Solar love it can get.  Word.

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Thanks for your input and participation in Rantswers®!  Like all great blogging, audience participation makes or breaks the experience, and all y’all do that every day!  Remember the tardigrade!  Part 7.2 tomorrow!

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