Flash Fiction – 2nd Ed.
I’m getting some serious mobility back in my shoulder with the kind help of the sadists in the Physical Therapy chamber over at the hospital. More on that one, with some stomach-wrenching pics, later.
The news that’s new here is my second schwack at Flash Fiction. I’m really digging this, and photo prompts are awesome. To play along, go to Rochelle’s Purple Blog and upload the rules.
Concept: a weekly picture is posted, and the writer is challenged to produce one-hundred (more or less) words of some sort of fiction with a full plotline (beginning, middle and end). Here we go…
NEED
I shifted back and forth on the balls of my feet. I checked my watch. It read one minute later. Above me, the ancient elevator ground its way downward.
“Come on, you fucking bastard,” I cursed the machinery.
I knew this feeling, an old familiar acquaintance. I checked to ensure I was alone. Only the smell of urine kept me company. The homeless guy must have relocated.
My watch hadn’t moved visibly. I forced the hand down to beat a rhythm on my thigh.
“This is it. Just this once,” I said, “Just one more hit.”
– – – – –
Critical comments and razzies are welcome in comments!
March 19, 2014 at 15:56
I’m enjoying reading this in between classes. Keep them coming you old codger.
March 19, 2014 at 16:21
Okay, you young, non-adult person.
March 20, 2014 at 00:48
🙂
March 20, 2014 at 05:23
🙂
March 19, 2014 at 16:20
Wow, another really good one. I am glad you are keeping up with this!
March 19, 2014 at 16:22
This is great practice.
March 19, 2014 at 16:32
Little details add up to a lot. If this is practice, the real thing will be tense and solid. Nice
March 19, 2014 at 16:49
Thank you. I tried to convey the jumpy jonesing feeling… or what I imagine it to be.
March 19, 2014 at 19:54
Really good… might suggest using the term “fucking bastard” and then “I cursed” is a bit redundant. But great set up, and kind of film noir creepy.
March 19, 2014 at 20:54
Yeah, that needs work. Thanks!
March 19, 2014 at 20:55
Keep it up, man. The list of fiction writers on WordPress is not so long, we need some new voices hereabouts.
March 19, 2014 at 20:58
I’ll see what I can do!
March 19, 2014 at 21:00
Do it. Do it. Do it. Write a short story. Don’t make me beg.
March 19, 2014 at 21:27
Already have… a few.
March 20, 2014 at 18:48
Posted?
March 20, 2014 at 19:17
No, it’s complicated. Rights and such.
March 19, 2014 at 20:52
No razzies. This is good. I don’t feel NEED, though. I’d be salivating, sweating and shaking as the elevator crawled down inch by inch with my last hit…this time. I hope you aren’t offended.
March 19, 2014 at 20:54
Offended? You forget whose blog you’re commenting on?
March 19, 2014 at 20:58
No, I didn’t.
March 19, 2014 at 21:27
All right then.
March 19, 2014 at 22:49
Over and out.
March 19, 2014 at 20:59
Watch out, that bum marked his territory. You never know what he’ll do next. Great story!
March 19, 2014 at 21:27
Thanks man!
March 19, 2014 at 21:53
I feel the need for “speed” comes to mind.
Nice one.
March 20, 2014 at 05:25
Understandable. Thanks!
March 20, 2014 at 02:27
Terrific dramatic suspense in this piece.
March 20, 2014 at 05:27
Super feedback, and thank you.
March 20, 2014 at 03:15
ah yes! The old “one last time!”
March 20, 2014 at 05:25
I’ve known some addicts… thank you!
March 20, 2014 at 04:09
Dear Rants,
You nailed sight and scent. Lots of tension.
Shalom,
Rochelle
March 20, 2014 at 05:28
I’m liking the challenge of doing that in only 100 words.
March 20, 2014 at 04:27
Poor guy – I don’t know whether to wish him luck in his quest or to hope the elevator never arrives. And I could smell the building from here! Well set up 🙂
March 20, 2014 at 05:28
Awesome. I think I merely picked the scenario with built in tension.
March 20, 2014 at 05:59
Wow. I did not see that coming. Awesome.
March 20, 2014 at 06:51
I’ve had a lot of writing help.
March 20, 2014 at 11:09
Nice! I could imagine a hitman, damaged from his line of work, operating in a place like that. Well done!
March 20, 2014 at 11:23
Now that’s a take on it I’d never considered. Thanks!
March 20, 2014 at 11:48
Well done!
March 20, 2014 at 14:03
Thanks TD! You’re doing one of these next week.
March 20, 2014 at 14:04
I can’t do 100 word fiction. Too constricting and short for me.
March 20, 2014 at 19:18
Try.
March 20, 2014 at 19:29
Well, yes, masta!
March 20, 2014 at 19:40
The Force is strong in you.
March 20, 2014 at 19:48
Only after I’ve eaten burritos.
March 20, 2014 at 19:52
Whatever works.
March 20, 2014 at 19:56
It’s not pretty.
March 20, 2014 at 20:40
Doesn’t matter.
March 20, 2014 at 20:41
You say that now…
March 20, 2014 at 23:39
You’ll be fine. Use The Force.
March 21, 2014 at 06:06
Mmmmmm……burritos.
March 21, 2014 at 06:29
Or that force.
March 20, 2014 at 14:18
I knew this feeling, an old familiar acquaintance. I checked to ensure I was alone. Only the smell of urine kept me company. The homeless guy must have relocated. – To me it seems like the rest of the story is written in present tense & then we hit the word “knew” which is past tense. Maybe something like: “This feeling is an old familiar acquaintance.” or “I remember this feeling, an old familiar acquaintance.”
Love the suspense though!
March 20, 2014 at 14:38
One of my faults is mixing tenses, you’re right.
March 20, 2014 at 14:50
One of my faults is catching things like this when I read them. I shoulda been an editor!
March 20, 2014 at 15:29
English major?
March 20, 2014 at 15:40
Actually, no – Psychology – but I have been writing since I was 12 & have had some really excellent critics & innate ability.
March 20, 2014 at 16:08
Aha.
March 20, 2014 at 15:20
I haven’t even inhaled, but you deftly conveyed both the need and the unsavory surroundings. 🙂 Great job!
janet
March 20, 2014 at 15:29
Sweet. Thanks, Janet.
March 21, 2014 at 14:14
Well written with vivid description. I was thinking hit man also until I read some of the other comments. Then I understood.
March 21, 2014 at 23:28
I like … after the fact … that my writing is sort of ambiguous that way.
March 21, 2014 at 19:12
Great story and description. I felt I was really there with the smell of urine and the agonizing wait. It felt realistic too to think that mere moments are the difference between keeping the course or making a bad decision that has potential to turn everything upside down. It’s a fragile situation. I’m so happy you’re doing FF. Welcome!
March 21, 2014 at 23:27
Thanks Amy! I think he already made a bad decision, and yes — the agonizing wait of all of 90 seconds.
March 22, 2014 at 15:48
A sad tale of someone not able to kick it. Just one more time indeed. Poor guy.
March 22, 2014 at 16:23
Indeed!
March 23, 2014 at 09:58
Yeah, I went in a different direction when I read this, too. I imagined a “hit man” in a seedy place, where his “mark” was hiding out. (doing a job he no longer wants to do) You could feel his tension. Great job at sucking us in..it leaves you wanting more.
March 23, 2014 at 18:03
Thank you, Lady!
You need to do this too. Hint.
March 24, 2014 at 16:40
Excellent!Loved the intense pace and his impatience is almost palpable!
March 24, 2014 at 16:47
Cool! Thanks for the feedback.
March 24, 2014 at 16:47
🙂
March 25, 2014 at 05:59
🙂
March 25, 2014 at 01:21
Good job – really different take on the prompt – Well written! Nan
March 25, 2014 at 05:59
Thank you!