Flash Fiction – 2nd Ed.

I’m getting some serious mobility back in my shoulder with the kind help of the sadists in the Physical Therapy chamber over at the hospital.  More on that one, with some stomach-wrenching pics, later.

The news that’s new here is my second schwack at Flash Fiction.  I’m really digging this, and photo prompts are awesome.  To play along, go to Rochelle’s Purple Blog and upload the rules.

Concept: a weekly picture is posted, and the writer is challenged to produce one-hundred (more or less) words of some sort of fiction with a full plotline (beginning, middle and end). Here we go…

Copyright -Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Copyright -Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

NEED

I shifted back and forth on the balls of my feet. I checked my watch. It read one minute later. Above me, the ancient elevator ground its way downward.

“Come on, you fucking bastard,” I cursed the machinery.

I knew this feeling, an old familiar acquaintance. I checked to ensure I was alone. Only the smell of urine kept me company. The homeless guy must have relocated.

My watch hadn’t moved visibly. I forced the hand down to beat a rhythm on my thigh.

“This is it. Just this once,” I said, “Just one more hit.”

– – – – –

Critical comments and razzies are welcome in comments!

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73 Responses to “Flash Fiction – 2nd Ed.”

  1. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    I’m enjoying reading this in between classes. Keep them coming you old codger.

  2. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Wow, another really good one. I am glad you are keeping up with this!

  3. Little details add up to a lot. If this is practice, the real thing will be tense and solid. Nice

  4. Really good… might suggest using the term “fucking bastard” and then “I cursed” is a bit redundant. But great set up, and kind of film noir creepy.

  5. No razzies. This is good. I don’t feel NEED, though. I’d be salivating, sweating and shaking as the elevator crawled down inch by inch with my last hit…this time. I hope you aren’t offended.

  6. Watch out, that bum marked his territory. You never know what he’ll do next. Great story!

  7. I feel the need for “speed” comes to mind.
    Nice one.

  8. Terrific dramatic suspense in this piece.

  9. ah yes! The old “one last time!”

  10. Dear Rants,

    You nailed sight and scent. Lots of tension.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  11. Poor guy – I don’t know whether to wish him luck in his quest or to hope the elevator never arrives. And I could smell the building from here! Well set up 🙂

  12. Wow. I did not see that coming. Awesome.

  13. Nice! I could imagine a hitman, damaged from his line of work, operating in a place like that. Well done!

  14. I knew this feeling, an old familiar acquaintance. I checked to ensure I was alone. Only the smell of urine kept me company. The homeless guy must have relocated. – To me it seems like the rest of the story is written in present tense & then we hit the word “knew” which is past tense. Maybe something like: “This feeling is an old familiar acquaintance.” or “I remember this feeling, an old familiar acquaintance.”
    Love the suspense though!

  15. I haven’t even inhaled, but you deftly conveyed both the need and the unsavory surroundings. 🙂 Great job!
    janet

  16. Well written with vivid description. I was thinking hit man also until I read some of the other comments. Then I understood.

  17. Great story and description. I felt I was really there with the smell of urine and the agonizing wait. It felt realistic too to think that mere moments are the difference between keeping the course or making a bad decision that has potential to turn everything upside down. It’s a fragile situation. I’m so happy you’re doing FF. Welcome!

  18. A sad tale of someone not able to kick it. Just one more time indeed. Poor guy.

  19. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Yeah, I went in a different direction when I read this, too. I imagined a “hit man” in a seedy place, where his “mark” was hiding out. (doing a job he no longer wants to do) You could feel his tension. Great job at sucking us in..it leaves you wanting more.

  20. Excellent!Loved the intense pace and his impatience is almost palpable!

  21. Good job – really different take on the prompt – Well written! Nan

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