Road Trip
Question for you: Would you drive eight hours, over 550 miles, for a hamburger? For most people, the answer to this is pretty obvious. For Rants, it’s open to serious debate, and of course the end justifies the means. So yes, motherfucker, if that hamburger is an In-n-Out, then double-fuck yes.
I planned a weekend trip and googled the shit out of the various routes. Also, weather, which we’ll revisit later. *cue ominous cello* The goal: the glorious In-n-Out Double Double. I checked out the fluids in the Blazer, added some more and loaded up with some road snacks, which under my current dietary regime consisted of apples and air. Granted, I was doing this to shit all over my Bangladeshi approach to eating, but fuck it. The trip down went well, and the picture pretty much sums up the scenery during the trip.
Because we started early enough, so that guaranteed that the target was acquired and engaged at the key moment of the day called ‘dinner.’ Nine hours of driving, two tanks of gas, and three piss-stops later, THIS: ——————->
Then more awesome happened. Obviously, I’m not driving nine hours, eating and then turning the fuck around and redriving. Besides, the weather in the Dallas area was a mild 80° and fuck yeah, Texas Spring. In February.
I browsed the biggest fucking Barnes and Noble I’ve ever seen, because Texas, and had a relaxing night to digest the awesomeness that is two and one-half Double Doubles. Fuck the diet, because In-n-Out.
The next day, another early start – sort of – and breakfast. Having destroyed the diet already, I reasoned, why not totally manfuck it to death for a day? Method? Waffle House.
Naturally, being in springtime weather (I had to use the air conditioning) made me thirsty, so one of the best solutions for fixing that problem is an Orange Julius. I can’t remember the last one I had, but I know I couldn’t drive a car when I had it. This time, I drove a car while I had it.
The final mouthwatering tidbit for y’all is this, taken in Oklahoma where I stopped for more gas. Of course, I didn’t buy any but I just discovered the very first remodeling job I’m doing to the house I don’t own yet, sometime after I retire from the Army.
My decision to pass on the beer at that point turned out to be a wise choice, because not thirty minutes later, I ran smack into another Cañadian Vortex from Hell and I-35 turned into an Olympic sliding-sport arena. Later, it turned to snow which meant I could drive faster than 30mph. Win… sort of. I’ll spare the details, but between the white-knuckle driving and the heater going full blast, it reminded me of being in a tank, minus the lactose-intolerant loader who decided to chug milk at breakfast.
All-in-all, this turned out to be an awesome road trip. Simple plan, simple goal, simple fun. The last four hours of the drive home were less than awesome, but its all good. What made it memorable was the company.
March 2, 2014 at 11:18
I fully support a 900 mile trip for In N. Out…it’s the bomb. I have two within 9 miles of me, but hey, I live in the land of fruits and nuts. We have a place here called Harold’s house of omlettes…they make pancakes bigger than your computer. You’d probably be in heaven, because you can only imagine what a side of bacon would look like.
Have you seen Harold and Kumar go to White Castle? Your trip was probably less adventurous, but you are Kumar in a nutshell.
March 2, 2014 at 13:56
But I don’t get high.
March 2, 2014 at 11:42
Question for you: Would you drive eight hours, over 550 miles, for a hamburger?
Yes. One of the best dates I ever had was with a guy that drove me to the town I grew up in (5 hours away) so we could eat at a place I spoken fondly of. Of course it was closed but as a Canadian I have also crossed borders to go to a specific place (fear not I never left any winter behind).
However my questions is, without particular company, would you have driven the eight hours alone for a burger?
Some people are just worth the adventurous road trip
March 2, 2014 at 13:57
For In n Out, I’d go alone, yes, but the accompaniment on this one put it over the top.
March 2, 2014 at 12:36
Sounds so good. Heard of them, but never had their burgers. Glad y’all had fun and made it safely through the storm. That beer cave is awesomesauce.
March 2, 2014 at 13:57
True, and you are not authorized to die until you get an In n Out.
March 2, 2014 at 16:03
Acknowledged.
March 2, 2014 at 17:13
😐
March 2, 2014 at 21:46
Aww, what a face. The Barnes and Noble sounds just as intriguing. Hope they don’t go out of business.
March 3, 2014 at 12:54
As long as I have money, B&N will be fine.
March 3, 2014 at 22:03
Your words and dollars to the company’s P&L. It is a weekly trip for me with dollars spent, and hopes that they stay in business.
March 4, 2014 at 06:02
Yep.
March 2, 2014 at 13:25
I like your style of writing and look forward to following your blog. Stay safe. (Oh, In-N-Out rocks,too.)
March 2, 2014 at 13:57
Thanks!
March 2, 2014 at 14:36
I have been known to make road trips like this, for this very reason. I once drove 650 miles for a Krispy Kreme donut. It was pure bliss and worth every mile. I would do the same for In & Out.
March 2, 2014 at 15:05
Not sure I’d do that for Krispy Kreme, but InO, fuckyeah.
March 2, 2014 at 15:58
Sounds like a fun trip. I hope your company didn’t hog all the BBQ.
March 2, 2014 at 17:13
No, she didn’t. 🙂
March 2, 2014 at 17:52
So I take it you’re not a follower of the “Breatharian” diet.
This is one whacked out way to eat. Or not.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/28/breatharian-barbie-valeria-lukyanova_n_4873706.html
March 2, 2014 at 20:07
Uhhm. No.
March 2, 2014 at 18:49
Texas: An In-N-Out burger on a warm, Texas Spring day.
New Jersey: A baloney sandwich with warm mayo and soggy lettuce on a wet, cold, snowy evening.
Let’s talk again in August. Scramble two.
March 2, 2014 at 20:08
I’ll reject your Jersey option for 2x Texas In-N-Outs.
March 2, 2014 at 19:10
I tried In n Out once, wasn’t so impressed. Just another fast food, greasy burger. I’d take Slaters 50/50 any day over In n Out.
March 2, 2014 at 20:10
Seriously? No way.
March 3, 2014 at 17:20
Very seriously … way
Hell, I like Red Robin burgers better than In n Out.
March 3, 2014 at 17:22
*ack*
March 2, 2014 at 20:10
I totally would, if I wasn’t allergic to hamburgers and bacon.
March 2, 2014 at 20:11
Knowing what I know about In-n-Out, I’d have to kill myself. Yes.
March 2, 2014 at 20:14
I know. It crosses my mind every time we go out to eat and someone orders steak and I get a damned chicken strip.
March 2, 2014 at 20:16
So sad. Maybe you start with bacon, and work through pork cuts towards beef. Try it. I’ve had success doing that for someone else.
March 2, 2014 at 20:24
Nah. The last time I ate turkey bacon at a restaurant, they had cooked it on the same grill as the regular bacon and I almost stopped breathing. Sooo, I will just stick with my salad. At least I’m not allergic to wine!!
March 3, 2014 at 12:55
I guess there’s that.
March 2, 2014 at 21:34
See, and I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t make that trip.
March 3, 2014 at 12:55
Exactly.
March 2, 2014 at 21:49
Off-topic, as usual, but, I had the kids at Google fly me over your old high school. Awesome stadium, but, if the wind caught one bad punt, it would be in the back of some guy’s pickup on I-10, heading for Florida.
Then I had them drive me past the place. I couldn’t see the Clock Auditorium, but there was a cop parked under the big tree (acacia?) by the bus stop at the stadium exit. I think I saw the palm tree you bent your car around, but your old house was too far away.
Was/were the mascots any particular breed of terriers? We owned Scotties for years, and miss them.
I’m trying to figure out how far I could drive to share an InO burger with you, though AFrankAngle is offering Cincinnati Chlli. Interested??! 😀
March 3, 2014 at 12:57
Just regular terriers, and the stadium we used for home games was the U of R, not the practice field. Granted, I-10 hums right along by it.
March 3, 2014 at 05:42
Fuck yeah! What an awesome trip. That is my idea of a perfect weekend right there, other than the snarled ending – good company, an off-beat final destination, delicious greasy food, Spring weather…
March 3, 2014 at 12:57
And the best hamburger in the world.
March 3, 2014 at 06:58
Epic adventure with epic company…nothing better. I just hope you didn’t let her drive a tank. 😉
March 3, 2014 at 12:57
She did drive it, at least until it started skidding on the ice.
March 3, 2014 at 07:54
So you’re forgoing the man cave in favor of the beer cave? Bad ass.
March 3, 2014 at 12:58
I don’t need a man cave. Wherever I happen to be is my man cave.
March 3, 2014 at 17:41
Spoken like a true bad ass. Rock on, man.
March 3, 2014 at 17:52
Fuck yeah!
March 3, 2014 at 11:42
It’s like Kerouac’s ‘On The Road’ but *just* food. 😀
Me, the closest Whataburger is in Port Arthur, and my ritual whenever I travel I-10 into/out of Texas is to stop in and eat like I just found out I’m dying!
Waffle House. YES. Ever heard of Huddle House? The design of that diner is, fuck life.
March 3, 2014 at 12:59
Heard of that, yes. If you’re in either Dallas or Austin, try In n Out. You won’t regret it.
March 3, 2014 at 13:17
There’s an In and Out in Austin? Must be a recent development. Will do!
March 3, 2014 at 16:45
There are several now. Total win for Texas!
March 3, 2014 at 16:50
Yeah, checked in with my high school buddy and she told me there’s one by the IKEA and another at the Triangle in Austin. My city’s coming up in the world!
March 3, 2014 at 16:53
No kidding. If anyplace needed In n Out, it’s Texas.
March 3, 2014 at 16:55
Argh! Gotta do it. All this burger talk makes me want one for dinner! 🙂
March 3, 2014 at 17:21
Yep.
March 3, 2014 at 12:15
Further proof to never get between a man and his burger – miles be damned! And you really do need a beer cave… So does my hubby. 🙂
March 3, 2014 at 12:59
I do – I wasn’t joking about that reno work.
March 3, 2014 at 12:57
I’ve only been to In-and-Out once, when Mr. Weebs and I were in Vegas. We went all in and ordered our burgers Animal Style, because we were told that that’s what you should do. I still have naughty, delightful dreams about that burger. But to drive to Texas for an In-and-Out fix, that’s dedication, man. I salute you, in a completely non-military way (and not just with the middle finger either). But who did you go on this road trip with? You keep mentioning the excellent company, but who was it? Unless you’re being deliberately coy…
March 3, 2014 at 13:01
Deliberately coy? Me? So that hamburger was fucking awesome, wasn’t it?!? Next time, just eat it with the bun, standard style.
March 3, 2014 at 13:02
COY! So I’ll just say that I’m very happy for you and your hamburger and your road trip company.
March 3, 2014 at 13:03
Ha! Thanks, Weebs.
March 5, 2014 at 11:29
I sincerely hope that hamburger was worth it!
March 5, 2014 at 11:46
You’ve obviously never eaten an In n Out burger.
March 7, 2014 at 17:51
Holy cow, I thought we were nuts when we drove about 900 miles from Michigan to Wells, Maine, for a lobster lunch. Now I know we’re in good company! 🙂
March 7, 2014 at 18:57
I wouldn’t do that for lobster, but yeah, I’m crazy like that.
March 9, 2014 at 17:34
OK, what is this burger of which you speak? I have never had an In n Out Burger. They don’t have these things in Canada. When we lived in the bush, we used to drive 6 hours to do a bit of shopping & eat fast food. Until I moved to Alberta, I had never even tried an Iced Cap at Tim Hortons, I was so deprived!
March 9, 2014 at 21:34
You have no idea what you’re missing, Benze.