Road Trip

Question for you:  Would you drive eight hours, over 550 miles, for a hamburger?  For most people, the answer to this is pretty obvious.  For Rants, it’s open to serious debate, and of course the end justifies the means.  So yes, motherfucker, if that hamburger is an In-n-Out,  then double-fuck yes.

Nine Hours of... This

Nine Hours of… This

I planned a weekend trip and googled the shit out of the various routes.  Also, weather, which we’ll revisit later. *cue ominous cello*  The goal: the glorious In-n-Out Double Double.  I checked out the fluids in the Blazer, added some more and loaded up with some road snacks, which under my current dietary regime consisted of apples and air.  Granted, I was doing this to shit all over my Bangladeshi approach to eating, but fuck it.  The trip down went well, and the picture pretty much sums up the scenery during the trip.

*praying* Shhh!

*praying* Shhh!

Because we started early enough, so that guaranteed that the target was acquired and engaged at the key moment of the day called ‘dinner.’   Nine hours of driving, two tanks of gas, and three piss-stops later, THIS: ——————->

Then more awesome happened.  Obviously, I’m not driving nine hours, eating and then turning the fuck around and redriving.  Besides, the weather in the Dallas area was a mild 80° and fuck yeah, Texas Spring.  In February.

I browsed the biggest fucking Barnes and Noble I’ve ever seen, because Texas, and had a relaxing night to digest the awesomeness that is two and one-half Double Doubles.  Fuck the diet, because In-n-Out.

Mine was bigger... BACON

Mine was bigger… BACON

The next day, another early start – sort of – and breakfast.  Having destroyed the diet already, I reasoned, why not totally manfuck it to death for a day?  Method?  Waffle House.

Summer in Your Mouth

Summer in Your Mouth

Naturally, being in springtime weather (I had to use the air conditioning) made me thirsty, so one of the best solutions for fixing that problem is an Orange Julius.  I can’t remember the last one I had, but I know I couldn’t drive a car when I had it.  This time, I drove a car while I had it.

Oklahoma

Example: Doing Shit Right

The final mouthwatering tidbit for y’all is this,  taken in Oklahoma where I stopped for more gas.  Of course, I didn’t buy any but I just discovered the very first remodeling job I’m doing to the house I don’t own yet, sometime after I retire from the Army.

My decision to pass on the beer at that point turned out to be a wise choice, because not thirty minutes later, I ran smack into another Cañadian Vortex from Hell and I-35 turned into an Olympic sliding-sport arena.  Later, it turned to snow which meant I could drive faster than 30mph.  Win… sort of.  I’ll spare the details, but between the white-knuckle driving and the heater going full blast, it reminded me of being in a tank, minus the lactose-intolerant loader who decided to chug milk at breakfast.

All-in-all, this turned out to be an awesome road trip.  Simple plan, simple goal, simple fun.  The last four hours of the drive home were less than awesome, but its all good.  What made it memorable was the company.

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64 Responses to “Road Trip”

  1. I fully support a 900 mile trip for In N. Out…it’s the bomb. I have two within 9 miles of me, but hey, I live in the land of fruits and nuts. We have a place here called Harold’s house of omlettes…they make pancakes bigger than your computer. You’d probably be in heaven, because you can only imagine what a side of bacon would look like.

    Have you seen Harold and Kumar go to White Castle? Your trip was probably less adventurous, but you are Kumar in a nutshell.

  2. Question for you: Would you drive eight hours, over 550 miles, for a hamburger?

    Yes. One of the best dates I ever had was with a guy that drove me to the town I grew up in (5 hours away) so we could eat at a place I spoken fondly of. Of course it was closed but as a Canadian I have also crossed borders to go to a specific place (fear not I never left any winter behind).

    However my questions is, without particular company, would you have driven the eight hours alone for a burger?

    Some people are just worth the adventurous road trip

  3. 1jaded1 Says:

    Sounds so good. Heard of them, but never had their burgers. Glad y’all had fun and made it safely through the storm. That beer cave is awesomesauce.

  4. I like your style of writing and look forward to following your blog. Stay safe. (Oh, In-N-Out rocks,too.)

  5. I have been known to make road trips like this, for this very reason. I once drove 650 miles for a Krispy Kreme donut. It was pure bliss and worth every mile. I would do the same for In & Out.

  6. Sounds like a fun trip. I hope your company didn’t hog all the BBQ.

  7. So I take it you’re not a follower of the “Breatharian” diet.
    This is one whacked out way to eat. Or not.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/28/breatharian-barbie-valeria-lukyanova_n_4873706.html

  8. Texas: An In-N-Out burger on a warm, Texas Spring day.

    New Jersey: A baloney sandwich with warm mayo and soggy lettuce on a wet, cold, snowy evening.

    Let’s talk again in August. Scramble two.

  9. I tried In n Out once, wasn’t so impressed. Just another fast food, greasy burger. I’d take Slaters 50/50 any day over In n Out.

  10. I totally would, if I wasn’t allergic to hamburgers and bacon.

  11. See, and I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t make that trip.

  12. Off-topic, as usual, but, I had the kids at Google fly me over your old high school. Awesome stadium, but, if the wind caught one bad punt, it would be in the back of some guy’s pickup on I-10, heading for Florida.
    Then I had them drive me past the place. I couldn’t see the Clock Auditorium, but there was a cop parked under the big tree (acacia?) by the bus stop at the stadium exit. I think I saw the palm tree you bent your car around, but your old house was too far away.
    Was/were the mascots any particular breed of terriers? We owned Scotties for years, and miss them.
    I’m trying to figure out how far I could drive to share an InO burger with you, though AFrankAngle is offering Cincinnati Chlli. Interested??! 😀

    • Just regular terriers, and the stadium we used for home games was the U of R, not the practice field. Granted, I-10 hums right along by it.

  13. Melanie Says:

    Fuck yeah! What an awesome trip. That is my idea of a perfect weekend right there, other than the snarled ending – good company, an off-beat final destination, delicious greasy food, Spring weather…

  14. Epic adventure with epic company…nothing better. I just hope you didn’t let her drive a tank. 😉

  15. Twindaddy Says:

    So you’re forgoing the man cave in favor of the beer cave? Bad ass.

  16. It’s like Kerouac’s ‘On The Road’ but *just* food. 😀
    Me, the closest Whataburger is in Port Arthur, and my ritual whenever I travel I-10 into/out of Texas is to stop in and eat like I just found out I’m dying!
    Waffle House. YES. Ever heard of Huddle House? The design of that diner is, fuck life.

  17. Further proof to never get between a man and his burger – miles be damned! And you really do need a beer cave… So does my hubby. 🙂

  18. I’ve only been to In-and-Out once, when Mr. Weebs and I were in Vegas. We went all in and ordered our burgers Animal Style, because we were told that that’s what you should do. I still have naughty, delightful dreams about that burger. But to drive to Texas for an In-and-Out fix, that’s dedication, man. I salute you, in a completely non-military way (and not just with the middle finger either). But who did you go on this road trip with? You keep mentioning the excellent company, but who was it? Unless you’re being deliberately coy…

  19. I sincerely hope that hamburger was worth it!

  20. Holy cow, I thought we were nuts when we drove about 900 miles from Michigan to Wells, Maine, for a lobster lunch. Now I know we’re in good company! 🙂

  21. OK, what is this burger of which you speak? I have never had an In n Out Burger. They don’t have these things in Canada. When we lived in the bush, we used to drive 6 hours to do a bit of shopping & eat fast food. Until I moved to Alberta, I had never even tried an Iced Cap at Tim Hortons, I was so deprived!

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