The sixth cycle of Rantswers® got such another overwhelming response I’ll have to break this shit down into three separate posts again. I’m not complaining – Rantswers® 6.0 got the largest number of comments thus far. On with the service portion of the program:
H.E. ELLIS: What is the difference between a dork and a nerd? We spazzes of the world would like to know.
Miss Lillian, I mean, Ellis… though I thought you were a connoisseur of freaks, geeks and losers, clearly you have much to learn, padawan (Star Wars Nerd term). I’d commend you to an interwebz search, Warp Factor Four (Star Trek ref). Google that shit. I’d suggest: “difference between dork and nerd.” You’ll get a ton of graphics that will delineate – in pictures no less – exactly what I am.
Exile on Pain Street: Sid Caesar just died and I thought he was already dead. Shirley Temple died two days ago and I thought she was dead, too. Who else is still around that I don’t know about? What about Abe Vigoda?
No, lucky for both of us, good ol’ Abe is still ticking along (as of this typing). Good for you: you obviously love Abe Vigoda. Lucky for me: someone I care about seeks a relationship based on an understanding of Abe Vigoda. Also, anything Godfather related is automatically awesome.
ddupre315: Why do I feel like I’m never full after eating? Recently, I feel like I’m a bottomless pit and can eat all night. I have to stop myself ever time I eat cuz I could put down an entire menu if not checked.
On a serious note, eliminate carbs. Generally, don’t eat white things, and don’t eat things that come in packages, boxes, or that you peel the foil back and nuke. Then again, you live in Japan, so Asian food: eat now, hungry +1 hour. Hai. Sony. Also, you might want to buy one of those test kits. You know the kind: no blue line – okay, blue line…
Melanie: I had two snow days this week, and I just had two snow days only two weeks ago. Both times we’ve had less than two inches of white. You’re in the land of winter. What say you of the South and snow?
Actually I’m in the taint area between Winterland and Redneck-Warm-Land. This means we know what snow is, but react like Southern Californians to it, i.e., like spaztards who are rushing to get to church on Wednesday because obviously the Second Fucking Coming is fucking coming. Fuck me. Fuck snow. You know nothing, John Snow. On the South, I’m okay with it. Except humidity.
Karen: I bought myself a heart-shaped box of chocolates for Friday, the 14th of February because I was in the store stocking up for the next round of winter wonderland and because chocolate. Is it cheating if I eat one on Thursday the 13th? I’m not clear on the rules.
It’s only cheating if you plan to gift it. In that case, ruffle the remaining two chocolates around in the box so s/he doesn’t know you ate most of them. If it’s for you, this is very simple. Eat what you want, whip out the flail and hair shirt, and go to town later on relieving yourself of guilt. In other words, in modern terms: treadmill. Just do it.
anonomouse: What has happened to common sense amongst people? Why do I find myself surrounded by such morons who feel compelled to bombard me with nothing less than their complete display of fucktardery?? Why? Is it wrong for me to want to jump over my desk and throat-punch the next person to walk into our ground floor reception area and ask me if they are magically on the second floor of the building? This is something that happens daily. I’m currently taking out my frustrations on cake… because, let’s face it, CAKE!!
Yes, cake. And bacon… combat bacon. I sense a disturbance in your Force. I think you need to exorcise this demonic… pissyness… by engaging in the throat-punching you describe. I say this because common sense is in fact dead. Proof: Bieber. Case: closed. Relief: post the video you make of the throatpunch to the webz. Word.
Stay tuned! More Rantswers® to this cycle will follow!