Shitting In Public Sucks – Starring That Guy

I’ve Ranted about urinal etiquette before, so you have to have expected the sequel on #2. Part Two for Number Two, if you will. Yes, I’m ranting about how I dearly loathe shitting in public. Sadly, all of this screed is inspired by a well-maintained Army latrine and not the maggot-strewn abbatoir of shit you might picture, or find in your average gas station.

First of all, germs. You might think someone who’s gone without bathing for a week while living in the woods during a field exercise would be immune to thoughts about public germs. It actually only heightens the problem. I keep my own throne fairly spotless. Public facilities, of course, have no such controls or guarantees. Suffice it to say that in spite of the manic dieting, I’m a bit too big to hover.

Add to that the fact that I work with a lot of Army Civilians who are near retirement age. This makes for the only known structure in the U.S. where men must wait in line. I’ve been known, in moments of colonic distress, to pound the stall door and yell, “Put the phone away, I’m fucking crowning out here!” Just my luck, the guy hustles and I am comforted by the fact that I’m up at bat right after Sweaty Guy. The guy who is about 270 pounds and breaks a rain of sweat in winter.

Equally entertaining – and I know of no other word to describe it – are the anonymous sounds of other users that assault my ears while I back out my cargo drop.  Here is where routine functions intersect with That Guy and go horribly wrong.  A brief summary of recent highlights:

Mr. Consult a Doctor: barges into the latrine and unzips at a urinal. Moans, “Oh my God… <sucks air>… ouch… ow.” I leave without touching anything in the latrine.

Mr. Get Some Fiber: occupies the next stall, drops trou, and then groans – loudly – as he assists whatever anal stone he’s attempting to pass. Panting from his effort, he continues. This guy has clearly been to Lamaze and is adapting it to his congested situation. I sometimes suggest checking for blood after he howls like Chewbacca and wins his little battle.

Mr. Stop Eating Fiber: attains a seal next door and proceeds to unleash biological warfare on the hapless toilet. I wait for the eyewatering stench of scorched, sandblasted porcelain.  What I get is swamp gas that will ensure I won’t have to trim my nose hairs for a month.

Mr. Shoulda Used The Toilet: whips it out at a urinal, relaxes, and proceeds to issue a thirty-second ass blast.  From the violent sound of it, I picture his pants smoldering and shotgunned by hypersonic particles of poo.  Being the immature brainpan that I am, I have to stifle a belly laugh at such epic epicness.

Mr. Sound Of Music: Urinal or stall, this guy hums his own musical accompaniment.  I can’t help but think this would be pretty normal if it didn’t happen in a latrine.  If he wasn’t humming Strangers in the Night.

Men are admittedly disgusting creatures.  However, I seem to live in a small pocket of heightened disgustingness.

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65 Responses to “Shitting In Public Sucks – Starring That Guy”

  1. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Women aren’t any better. It becomes a waiting game because someone doesn’t want to be heard in the bathroom, so they hide in the stall until they think they are alone.

    Why the hell else are we in there?

  2. Yet it has taught us guys how to go without touching anything with their hands (ok minus the use of TP when necessary). Thanks for the laugh.

  3. Good shit, Rants.

    Taint Stains must be of epidemic proportions in those latrines.

  4. You are one seriously funny man. Angry, but funny. I’m crowning out here…. priceless.

  5. I’m sitting here laughing my ass off. I’ve encountered all of these latrine losers at one time or another.

  6. I usually read your blog over breakfast. Good thing I haven’t eaten yet.

  7. Ah, but have you ever pretended you were a Carvel machine?

  8. Have you ever gotten involved in a poop-off? You just sit down and some jerk suddenly takes the stall right next to yours. Who’s going to drop first?

    Do you know what a “turtle head” is? You can probably surmise if you think about it.

  9. Twindaddy Says:

    I can’t help but think this shit-related rant might have been inspired by the dirty bomb detonated last night in my household.

  10. Try being a woman! You’re waiting to go, hopping from foot to foot because it’s urgent & some germaphobe is lining the entire toilet in toilet paper so her super tushy won’t have to touch the porcelain. I don’t know what it is about women, but they are super messy in public washrooms (maybe because they have to clean toilets at home?)

  11. Such a lovely read to start my morning. There really are few things more gratifying than dropping a post-wake-up deuce in the comfort of your own home. But negatory on the public pooping – ugh!

    My personal favorite “that guy” (or gal as the case may be) is the one who left crap stains spread all over the inside of the toilet bowl. It’s bad enough that I had to hear your anal explosion, but now I get to see the evidence of your “crappy” Picasso aspirations.

  12. Ok . . . Bagus cerita nya

  13. First time here on your blog and I can’t stop laughing. Seems like you’ve had some pretty crappy experiences on the pot. Part 2 for number 2 is priceless.

  14. It never fails. Bathroom humor is the best humor.

  15. Hahahahahah…………..I actually used to think some of this things are indescribable…. Lolest!!

  16. […] In a classic case of “better him than me”, Brain Rants researched the types of people who poop. Benzeknees started taking an online class, and AFrankAngle put up a great piece On Compassion. […]

  17. This gave me my belly laugh. I said it before that women are not better. Each stall has a sign that says, “Please respect the facilities.” Apparently, that means not flushing their shit, leaving their waste soiled TP strips on the seat, leaving a literal bloody mess, and so much more.

  18. I’ve been known, in moments of colonic distress, to pound the stall door and yell, “Put the phone away, I’m fucking crowning out here!”

    ^ an ‘lol’ moment. Poop stories rule!

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