Winter Fucking Sucks

I received an interesting note from my uncle, who typically uses Reply All and then hits the Forward button on anything he finds either remotely patriotic or humorous.  The video clip below falls into the latter category:

This, my friends, is My Life for the past three weeks, to include the backward car sledding.  I have fallen and busted my ass more in the past month than I’ve done in the two decades leading up to our lovely winter weather.  Thank you, Cañada, and fuck you very much.  You have succeeded in defeating my cat-like reflexes and balance.  Dickwads.

In spite of the weight I’ve shed, two hundred pounds of meat smacking down on frozen concrete is a sight – and sound as ribs crack – to behold.  Unless it’s in front of my hot neighbor.  My ass will agree that it’s an activity to avoid, and both shoulders will now second – and third – the vote.  I had each one MRI’d on Friday to confirm or deny rotator cuff befucklehood.  More on that issue later.

Don’t misinterpret this – I’m not a panicky insipid Air Force douche who runs out for milk and eggs because it’s going to snow in Biblical proportions.  No, I carefully plan a route, target and appropriate clothes and then attack.  I run out (on foot if necessary) to get my beer and cigarettes.  This is about what I live on now anyway, but hey – shorter lines.  Total Win!

Go home, drunk.  You’re winter.

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49 Responses to “Winter Fucking Sucks”

  1. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Of course, everyone else has to panic if we think it might snow. Schools close on days where you can’t even tell it snowed by noon.

    We live less than a mile from two convenience stores, two grocery stores, a Target and two drug stores. If we starve to death, I will consider it a favor to the world because obviously we are too stupid to be here.

  2. On Tuesday morning I waited for my bus into the city at 5:30 a.m. I always go from the shower to the stop so my hair is still wet. It was so cold that by the time my bus arrived, my hair was frozen solid. I’m not speaking in vague metaphors or exaggerating. My head was encased in a block of ice. I felt like I was being punished for something but I couldn’t connect the crime.

  3. I guess you could say the bull was ice blocked.

    Stay safe, Rants.

  4. Reblogged this on hibbantriana and commented:
    Syukur Alhamdulillah di Indonesia ga ada salju :))

  5. Twindaddy Says:

    Awesome. I seriously wonder why all those idiots attempted to drive down a hill still covered in snow. That is always doomed to fail…

  6. That looks absolutely terrible. When I was younger, I broke my ankle sledding while living in Maryland. There’s a reason my house cost 2-3 times as much as yours and I pay an 8% sales tax!!! it’s to have a high of 69 degrees today, with highs expected in the 80s later this week. Yes, I can wear shorts in January. I can also go to the beach, and if I’m really crazy- swim in the water. Don’t worry, I won’t rub it in. Enjoy the white stuff. (Yes, I’m an asshole)

  7. I’m with you. Hoping it ends soon.
    Wet and warm in NYC today. But the cold will be back….

    69 days til spring.

  8. Now you know how I got whiplash from falling on ice! Hope your shoulders are OK – I fell & tore my rotator cuff a few years back – not fun!

  9. From the President of Canadia….You.Are.Welcome.

  10. I know exactly where you went wrong here; you lost weight. All that extra “padding” you lost could have cushioned your fall.

    I prescribe the New England diet: ice cream and beer to be taken orally six times per day as necessary. You’ll be back to a healthy winter fighting weight in no time!

    • Yeah, bones vibrated on those dumps, hence the MRI of the shoulders. No ice cream here, thanks. My fighting weight is still below where I am now by ten pounds.

  11. Sorry your winter hasn’t been great! Hope it gets better 🙂

  12. Be careful out there, Rants! I hope your MRI results show nothing unseemly. I know a few people in the Chair Force, they usually pick on the Navy.

  13. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    FUNNY video!!

  14. Hilarious post and video.
    81 degrees bright and sunny in Cali.

  15. I hope your shoulders, back and everything else heals quickly. That dude who jumped into the frozen pool is a Maximus lesson in Darwinism, if ever there was one. Background music was appropriate.

  16. Fuck winter indeed. This has been one of the coldest winters we have had in Chicago in many decades (since I’ve been alive for sure) and the snowiest one since I’ve been alive too. It’s usually one or the other- cold or lots of snow, but no. We get both. Which means the snow piles up, then ices over. OH, and then let’s add insane, insane wind to the equation – so that the new snow blows all over the place and creates constant white out conditions. FUCK WINTER.

  17. Write more, thats all I hhave to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point.

    You definitely know what youre tazlking about, why waste your intelligence
    on just posting videos to your blog when you could bbe giving us
    something enlightening to read?

  18. Grewt post. I am going through some of these issues as well..

  19. […] that getting out of the Midwest (a.k.a., Canada’s Cold Air Bowling Alley) would offer some relief in the winter.  After all, being near large bodies of water like the Atlantic fucking ocean are supposed to […]

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