Rantswers® 5.3

Here is the long awaited (by some of you more impatient fans) conclusion to Rantswers® 5.0.  Again, this round of Rantswers® got such a great response that I had to break the replies into three separate posts.  All for the good – three straight days of ranty entertainment!

H.E. ELLIS: What is the best thing about being a Ford fan and was it hard telling your parents you were gay?

Sorry Ms. Ellis, but at what point did you confuse my Chevy Blazer with a Ford excretion?  You probably think I work for the Air Force, too.  Or worse: the Navy.  All that considered, I’ll assume the second part of the question is null due to the fact that the first half was predicated on an incorrect supposition.  Even though I’m not, and can prove it.  Number provided privately.

eoindmadiganWhy is Mother Nature such a whore? Always coming along and fucking people’s shit up but when it comes time to clean up she’s nowhere to be seen? Won’t even send in a troupe of monkey-butlers!

Fucking monkey-butlers!  Hellz yeah!  Oh… well, Mother Nature is a whoring beeyotch, that much is true.  She puts out for Mr. Heat Meister as well as Mr. Cold (Claymation reference).  As for the cleanup of the jizz, sorry.  I know a witch who has some winged monkeys, if you want.  You likely won’t recall this reference, but you can’t fool Mother Nature.

KayjaiWho the fuck invented the term ‘polar vortex’? AND, why are we inundated with snow so blessed early in the winter that I have to be reminded on a fucking daily basis that I live on an island in the middle of the north Atlantic, preventing me from pretending I live in the more desirable tropical island? Hmmmm?? For fuck’s sake, enough already!  Answer at will…or something. Or Rantswer®…whatfuckever…yeah.

Sorry, but this is a result of Canada trying to co-opt the North Pole.  I’m not sure a singular geographic location like that can be owned by anyone, let alone a group as fucking polite and nice as all y’all.  As for your tropical island… shit, I’m sorry but I’m just not that good. As your mom probably asked you as a girl, “Did you make good choices here?” To your first question, the same person who dubbed those wildly talented entertainers, “Pole Dancers.”  He had a ‘pole’ obsession.

sothislife.comCould you explain what the f… the song American Pie means….. This is my first meeting with you.

I believe it’s an affirmation of the power of good music – good rock and roll – to ease one’s mind (and save your mortal soul) in the face of life’s obstacles: seeing the girl you love dancing with some other blogger in the gym, the death of a pop star, or even the overthrow of a kingdom.  Then again, maybe it’s just mindless drivel like “Stairway to Heaven,” written on some drug-fueled high in which the artiste couldn’t even spell “Columbus” while he experiences anal seepage in his junkie high.

 Thanks for participating and for reading!  Click here for all of the Rantswers® so far!  Stay tuned for more sometime later.

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58 Responses to “Rantswers® 5.3”

  1. We’re taking over, baby. Canada rules all things North Pole. Fuck Santa. We’re gonna evict him and his sorry troupe people. Just kidding. Santa is Canadian. We will treat him well.

    You’ve just reinvigorated my hatred of Stairway to Heaven. I think you for that.

  2. Rantswers are fucking awesome. Thanks for finally getting to mine. I’m not impatient. I just like things done yesterday…. Or sooner. Yeah.

  3. Ha! You can’t fool Mother Nature…SIS and i made fun of that commercial all the time…fuck margarine..Hope you have a good Friday.

  4. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    My week is complete now that all the Rantswers have been given. Thank you.

  5. You saved the best for last. That’s an old marketing trick. Clever.

  6. Twindaddy Says:

    You should get paid to do this.

  7. Co-opted? That’s a Donald trump term. I think you really would live on an island with him.

  8. Not nice to fool Mother Nature! I so remember these commercials! We Canadians did not mess with the polar vortex, it was you Americans trying to grab whatever you can, so you decided to co-opt our weather!

  9. To the first question – so glad you’re a Chevy man. Otherwise I’m just not sure if we could be friends… Conscience relieved!

  10. That’s right…how could I forget your love of CHEVY’S and more specifically, IMPALAS and your blinding NerdRage over wrapping yours around a palm tree while saving a science project.

    Still waiting on that number, by the way. 😉

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