Rantswers® 5.2

As promised, today brings the second in the series of Rantswers® for the glorious and awesome fifth iteration in that effort to keep you involved and entertained as readers.  In case there’s asses out of frames, please know your questions with Rantswers® are posted in the order received.  I fucking hate alphabetizing.

philosophermouseofthehedge:  It’s grey. It’s cold. So it’s winter.  Who left the door open to the north? Was it a plot to keep some countries away so they can’t land in the Arctic?  What about Santa Claus and his North Pole enclave? Will that become an international city like Rome – or will he and the elves fall under another’s rule setting up future insurrections and conflicts requiring UN/US forces to intervene?

Make no mistake here.  This is Santa Claus’ evil doing.  It is no coinkydinky that if you take ‘Santa’ and swap around the letters, you get ‘Satan.’  For a deeper explanation, go here.  As for an intervention, no US action here since there’s no oil, but the UN will likely send forces from Central Africa and South America – about a platoon – and they will be gobsmacked by the cold and huddle in Canadian igloos.  In the end, nothing will change.

benzeknees: Why do fools fall in love? Somebody else asked me this question & I didn’t have a good answer!

Quite possibly because birds sing so gay and/or your heart skips a crazy beat.  No matter what, it seems to be the human condition we’re all doomed to experience. Thank God.

ddupre315: If you were offered an infinite amount of money to purchase one item, what would it be and why?

You’re waiting for me to say, “bacon.”  Although the merit of that idea is inherently self-evident, I’m going to pick books.  I’m sure our government is about to roll out a federally-funded study that proves reading is bad for your health, but I’ve never read an independent study that establishes a causal link between too much reading and death.  So fuck Obamacare.

Audrey: Is there such a thing as a stupid question?

Very insightful.  I believe the Rantswer® is, “It depends.”  For example, all of the questions here are awesome.  However, I’ve found that when I ask questions, people tend to look confused, scared, and reach under the desk for the security button.  Their look implies that I have a male genital appendage sprouting from my forehead, so  I’m guessing I am the designated Stupid Question Asker.

whiteladyinthehood: What have you made/built that you are most proud of?

Well, the Rantswer® would be that I managed to mash my hand in clay and then paint it without fucking up when I was in kindergarten.  On a more serious side, while the desk I’m typing at is pretty spiffy, I’d have to say I’m most proud of my son.

1jaded1: When the fuck-munch in the eight thousand ton (exaggeration) pick up decides you are not driving fast enough on the ice packed road (you are doing the speed limit) and driver decides to pass you with a fishtail to boot, how do you handle the driver when you meet driver at a light that is several miles down the road? I chose to laugh and wave, which incensed driver enough to almost spin out upon take off. Would you have handled it differently? Thanks!! Of course serious and ranty.

Okay, I’ve struggled long and hard to subdue my road rage tendencies, because if you wrestle a pig, you get muddy and the pig is merely happy.  Also, you spit all over the inside of the windshield, which is hard to clean.  On the Rantswer® side, I’ve learned from my Afghan deployments that strong magnets and explosives can be very, very effective, notably against fuck-munches.

Thanks for staying tuned so far!  Tomorrow will bring 5.3 and the junk-kick conclusion.


32 Responses to “Rantswers® 5.2”

  1. Hhmm. Okay. I get your Rantswer, can’t do that.. In a former life, I would have extracted myself from my car and yellingly asked if the driver was happy bc we ended up at the same stoplight and we both ended up there alive. Now i just smile and wave and resist urge to give the finger. I’ll try your way, but it won’t be easy.

  2. I don’t read enough posts that contain the word “fuck-munch” or informative questions and responses such as that last one. I wanna blow something up. Some douche blew by me at 140 this morning (km/h, not miles, we swallow metric up here) on a nice icy road. I didn’t have magnets and explosives handy, but next time I’m going to be ready.

  3. By the way, they don’t track shit in Canada.

  4. I’m a big fan of the smile/wave when it comes to fuck munches, sometimes I drive slow on purpose. I just don’t have the additional factor of ice here in lovely Southern California. Did you know I wore shorts yesterday?

    • The smile/wave does actually piss the fuck munch off more, I agree. Also, I could theoretically wear shorts today as well, but the consequences are a bit more than I’m willing to bear.

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I knew.knew.knew you were going to say your son, so no surprise here with that answer.
    An impression of your hand from Kindergarten? aww…
    A spiffy desk! (not bad Ranty)

  6. So, let me get this straight, if we fall in love we are all fools? I guess we would have to be fools to give over our happiness to some other person so they could do with it what they will. Just feels so good – sometimes.

  7. Fuckmunch! Bwahahahaha

  8. Caution about confronting vehicles on dark snowy roads – it could be Santa and from what you say, he’s got a lot more firepower available?
    Speaking of stupid, wise to stockpile books a safeguard, the gov has already headed towards “protecting the health of the country” by making sure very few can actually read and interpret accurately what those squiggly lines on paper mean. They will book no stupid questioning while you wait your turn to see a doctor or more likely a “health team” member of questionable training – one they have chosen for you.

  9. ok but I said one item so what book would it be??

  10. I love that you said your favourite thing you have made is your son. Complete softie at heart. Awww

    Also – fuck-munch? great word. Thanks to Jaded for that one

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